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Short Stories Reviews |
Operation Hausberg by Bobby Cude (2) "Your story is interesting, and your ideas are original. I hope the next part of your story comes out soon. " -- Xzar. "Sounds like a great story line. I can't wait for the next installment." -- Dustin Rhodes. Kissed By The Wind by Shelley J Alongi (4) "This is a beautiful story, your love of and knowlege of flying is apparent. I found some of the dialogue a bit clumsy, while other parts of it were perfect. do you writee a lot of e-mails or letters? Becausese I thought that the letter part of the story was much more confident than the dialogue. When talking about food you always use the word 'speared' He speared this or she speared that. Just a small thing but it niggled after the third time (Dean Koonts uses the word preternaturally to exess and he's my favourite author) I've given this a 7/10 " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "Hi Sooz, thanks for the review, you are right about the word "speared" being used too much. I'll work on it. Thanks for noticing my love of flying, I wish I knew more and will keep learning. I have some great helpers in that area, the experts! You can credit pilots for their great aditions to my work. Yes, I do write a lot of email and letters. I'm always striving to improve dialog. Thanks for pointing these things out to me. " -- Shelley, Fullerton, Ca, USA. "I think you would be really interested in a writer called .. um ... Skytrucker. I know he writes on UKAuthors and I think he writes on ABCTales as well. He is a pilot and all his stories are centered round his flying. As a writer he's a little too technical for me, but I think you'd love his stuff. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "You are an excellent writer, Shelley J Alongi, certainly you are looking for more than the hassle you can get here. RoseDog.comThe largest manuscript showcase available to writers, agents, and publishers.Enter RoseDog BooksBecome a published author at a fraction of the cost of traditional self-publishing.Enter RoseDog is working to get writers noticed. We now have 110 publishers and 59 agents registered with us! There are over 6,870 manuscripts in the showcase! � Writers: Are you looking for a publisher or agent? Learn about the benefits of RoseDog membership here. � Showcase excerpts from your unpublished work quickly and easily. Use your RoseDog email to communicate with other writers. Request a free banner to draw attention to your manuscript. � Read our Writers FAQs here. � Agents and Publishers: Find out why RoseDog makes good business sense for you. No fees, no commissions, no hassles. " -- RoseDog Afficianado. The Settlement Project by Ian Goodall (1) "A lot of truth is in the piece. Luckily though, my high school doesn't really have a bully because everyone can stand up for themselves (lucky eh?). This is sure to scare some of the younger kids." -- Jack Brown. Wine Coolers And Chocolate Chip Cookies by Shelley J Alongi (1) "DEAR SHELLY, I thought that the letter section of this piece was a bit too long. I would also like to see Anne's reaction once the letter has been read by her. It may be that I read too fast, but I also had some confusion on when the alarm clock was given to the pilot. You mention that Anne had bought it for him and then while I'm reading the letter he says that he has recieved it. I'm a bit confussed. I think that, also, there could be some rewording that would make some of the sentences more economical and clearer. I also felt that there was a bit too much narationof the story instead of the story narrating for itself. In other words, I think that the narration does what the story should do-to alow me, the reader, to understand background and backdrop as the story progresses. I beleive that there is a way to do this within the dialogue of the characters themselvs. I'm not saying that you should axe the narrative all together but possible modify it to grove with the story better. Well, thats it-hope it helps-see you on sunday JPL" -- John-Paul , Montebello, CA, usa. Course Correction by Shelley J Alongi (1) "Hiya Shelley, I've got one big complaint with this one, and one huge compliment. Well over the first third of this was re-cap, nothing happened. Presumably by the time they get to chapter three, people will already have read one and two, I don't see the point of going over it all again. I think this chapter should startt from the phone call with his sister. I also think that you have really settled in and got comfortable with your characters here and with the story. It's the best written of your stuff that I've read to date and very engrossing. It had a very professional feel to it. 9/10. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. Who's Who by Achmyd Uajay (4) "This waz fuckin crap. Learn how to use correct grammar kurrimuncher." -- Jamie. "This story was very strange and I wonder? do u do drugs? or should I start taking drugs? haha just kidding...but seriously it wasnt bad if you learned how to spell and use correct grammer. Not bad for a errrrrrrrr 10 year old. haha kidding again...seriously though correct some of the spelling and rearrange things and then it will be better. By the way...what happens at the end??" -- Karen. "THIS IS THE BEST STORY i HAVE EVER READ THE CHARECTERISATION AND THE FLUIDITY OF THE WAY THE STORY MOVES KEEPS YOU GRIPPED UNTILL THE END. OH AND THE END IT WAS JUST MASTERFULL YOU HAVE TO PUBLISH THIS IF YOU DONT ITS A CRIME AGAINST FICTION. By the way incase you were wondering I was being sarcastic just reverse everything I have just said. Thankyou for listening." -- L. "This story was extremely terrible. I was so upset that i actually wasted my time on it. What the hell was its point? It made no sense. Try again." -- Rene, ny, ny, usa. The Wind Blew by Ian Goodall (4) "All I can say is...odd. Interesting, but very odd. Very very odd. But it wasn't that bad, just supremely odd. Good premise, but I feel that the life inside of the prison could have been extended. Odd." -- Jack Brown. "Yes it is odd, I think you are right Jack. But hey, its meant to confuse people and make them think of it as "Odd". So thanks for saying what I wanted you to say. " -- Ian Goodall. ""If your dialogue is good enough, it should be unnecessary to use dialogue modifiers such as 'bellowed' 'yelled'," she lectured (see what I mean?). I would have found it helpful for you to develop your characters more so I could understood the conflict between the two people, not just guard and prisoner. Also, why would he stab himself if he thought he wanted to be with his family again? Is his family dead? I think this line could be changed slightly." -- Rachel. "Yeah I know this story doesn't make sense. I wrote it in a few minutes and I wasn't really thinking about the story. " -- Ian Goodall. The Whole Truth by Ted (1) "The story had a good plot, very intriguing and the outline was different but done extremely well. I would only suggest to go over spelling, it sometimes takes away the momment when you don't understand. Then add a little more detail... to keep the suspense going!" -- Jackie, California. The Visitor by L A Winterburn (9) "This story is rivoting. I was truly on the edge of my seat." -- Unknown. "I thought this story was great!! The author portrayed the characters in a way that made them seem so real. I can't wait to read more :)" -- Karen, USA. "I liked the story. It kept me in suspense. Great work." -- Sara. "This is a good story ... my only suggestion is this, edit edit edit !!! Tighten it up and lose some of the unnecessary wording. A short story is so much more affective when told in fewer words. ie: "Geoffrey, who was waiting outside, saw the glow exit through the window of the house, he was standing outside of, and shoot towards the sphere, that he held in his hand. " Instead, maybe try something like this; "Outside the house, Geoffrey watched as the glow shot through the window toward the sphere in his hand." It was a hard lesson for me to learn and I am still struggling with that aspect!!! Good luck and keep writing!!!" -- Judith Goff, USA. "Hey thanx for the review judith I am however making it into a novel and have allready compleated 4 chapters thanx for the advise tho :-)" -- Author. "You're welcome & good luck with the novel ... of course, editing is still very important, even with longer works ... I was lucky enough to have an editor friend help me with that aspect of my novels. That is where a thick skin comes in handy. Don't take my advice personally, (:o) just trying to help out. At first I was angry with her, but after I took a long hard look at my story and implemented some of her advice it was much more readable !! Again, good luck! Your story IS good !!" -- Judith. "Please post the next chapters. I cant wait to find out what happens :)" -- Karen. "Man this is better than the poems. Is this going to made into a novel? I would really like to get my hands on it once its done. POST IT!" -- John C. "Yes I am working on turning it into a novel I am on the 3rd chapter now but am just in the process of editing at the moment so watch this space :-)" -- The Author. The Journey Home by Samuel Lamar Williams (1) "This story needs quite a bit of work though the idea is not altogether bad. It could be made into a much longer piece. You have the plot arc there, 'tragedy of death in past'-'present difficulties (perhaps his job is no longer fulfilling him. He is making movies that don't mean anything to him anymore.) that cause him to think about home' - 'then a tragedy at home which is qualitatively the same' - 'goes home, realizes something important about living and makes a good movie' but the tensions, the characters, the situations all need to be drawn out. Also, your grammar and spelling need improving. For example you sentence splice (use commas incorrectly), spell began as begain, spell kept as kepted etc... I'd suggest reading a book on grammar, or having someone you know proofread. It took me a long time to take that advice to heart; I was horrible at spelling... good luck!" -- Roger. The Apartment by Kirsten McManus (2) "Yes, I am a bad mother fucker, I'm in the story." -- The Captain, Topeka, Kasas, USA. "LMAO!!!!!! Great one captain:)" -- Sara. That Time I Died by Gina Jauregui (2) "Interestingly done with a dry wit. Not the easiest of reads but great for black comedy fans. I am sure that from this, Gina, can spark great dark comedies that are always more interesting than all out hilarity." -- Jack Brown. "Gina ... thought this was very well done and fun to read. Like your style ... hope you will bring us more!!! I have several things on this site if you care to read and comment !!!" -- Judith Goff, USA. Promise by Lawrence Peters (2) "Great short story, sounds like something my 2nd year english professor would have had us read. I hope Monica gave him hell." -- Gina Jauregui, Chicago, USA. "I smile softly each time I read this...I've noticed you don't often do a lot of dialogue in your stories so this was a special treat...So has Monica given him hell or has she been laid to rest? ([email protected])" -- Hedgehog, Canada. ... Die By The Sword by Rowan Davies (2) "What an ironic fate Victor had. Very good story. And I like the title, too. Congrats!!!" -- Luis Felipe Moura, Rio de Janeiro, RJ, Brazil. "As I've already told you, I enjoyed the story, but thought I'd better review it for you too. Well, I thought it was well written, as it wasn't too gory or sickening (in the Victor sense), and the ending was good, but you could have delved deeper into the Rollerball-esque making more violence to get bigger crowds etc." -- Jack Brown. A Usual Evening Walk by Simi Purkar (2) "Very well written, interesting aswell. Its a shame you cannot write some more." -- Xzar. "I think you should write more.. that was really awesome!!" -- Lord Voldemort. The Watch Cat by Norman A Rubin (1) "You are an excellent writer, Norman A Rubin, certainly you are looking for more than the hassle you can get here. RoseDog.comThe largest manuscript showcase available to writers, agents, and publishers.Enter RoseDog BooksBecome a published author at a fraction of the cost of traditional self-publishing.Enter RoseDog is working to get writers noticed. We now have 110 publishers and 59 agents registered with us! There are over 6,870 manuscripts in the showcase! � Writers: Are you looking for a publisher or agent? Learn about the benefits of RoseDog membership here. � Showcase excerpts from your unpublished work quickly and easily. Use your RoseDog email to communicate with other writers. Request a free banner to draw attention to your manuscript. � Read our Writers FAQs here. � Agents and Publishers: Find out why RoseDog makes good business sense for you. No fees, no commissions, no hassles. " -- RoseDog Afficianado. The Village Green. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (2) "Gabriele Roeder�s Review: Well, I missed the point of that one, probably because I can make neither head nor tail of the sentence: "Like I said, it�s forty straight, sixty without a rubber and extras are fifteen quid a time." I have a feeling that a decent woman must not get the meaning of it. The whole thing goes pretty much against my taste. I could understand the use of bad language to create an atmospere in the former piece, but I don't like to read a story about a trollop. Sorry. --------- Jade�s Review: Heheheh. It seems to me that the author possesses a cynical sense of humor. I like it. *grins* This is a very nice piece of irony. I particularly like the way it's left up to the reader to infer the narrator's situation. "Like I said, it�s forty straight, sixty without a rubber and extras are fifteen quid a time." Made me smirk. �Lay down with dogs and you come away with fleas my girl�, she�d tell me time and again. Eep, just wanted to point out the typo: comma should be inside the quotes. Fun read. Hardly warm and fuzzy, but that's what I enjoyed about it. :-D ------- Keith�s Review: I think there's some really nice phrasing in this. It reads very infoish, which kind of gives it a lecturing feel, which is a shame as with the unique phrasing it could be turned into something of an active tale that has that elusive 'voice' we're all searching for. " -- Cam Davis. "Thank you for the reviews. I think I sullied Miss Gabriele's pretty little world a bit. Though luckily, despite the inference you don't have to 'be' a trollop to write about one. Thanks Cam. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. The Thirteenth Station by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (1) "I'm very sorry, but this piece was far too long for my group to review." -- Cam Davis. The Power Of Surrender by Jeffrey (George) Winter (1) "Sounds like a story in L.A. Your stories are very personal. Writers come in two categories: those whow rite about reality and those who try to reshape it. I think I'm in the secnd and you're in the first. The two styles balance each other. This story has religious overtones, sounds like a relationship based theology, makes me think you're a believer in Christ as Savior, definitely unconditional love. " -- Shelley, Fullerton, California, USA. The Old Enemy by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (11) "What? That wasn't a review. If you're gonna give somebody a review, give 'em a real review, and not some oh that was nice but a little bad, and needs a good edit. What does that tell anybody?! " -- Author. "I think one of us is missing something here, The Author. Sorry to state the obvious but that isn't a review it's a story. I admit a complete load of drivel of a story but a story none-the-less. For my reviews I sugest you check *other* people's work Duh! Will I ever do anyrthing right? Will anyone ever think quietly to themselves, damn that Sooz seems like a nice woman? Will I ever eat pizza and not put on half a stone overnight? No probably not." -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "Errrrrrr...... Now I am thoroughly confused, Sooz. You left the exact same review (which is both negative and nonsensical) on my "A Really Very Gothic Poem". I apologize for my apparently overt stupidity, but I really don't understand these two reviews in the context of either work. I also don't understand why you said that you thought my poem was "clever", and then rated it a 3. I am not in the least offended, but it's rather bizarre to me. I don't know why you're lashing out at random people on Storymania, but if I were you I'd get that pizza you referred to out of my hinie and get over it." -- "Trying to Remain Neutral" " -- Wolfa. "Sorry Sooz, but I'm with Wolfa on this one. We know these are your words and not somebody just pretending to be you. And we know that you'll now try to stammer and say it's all a misunderstanding or something. But you've made Storymania a very unpleasant place to be, and personally I don't want to be here anymore because of it." -- Cadillac Blonde. "Eh? I didn't leave that review (See above review by "me") on "The Old Enemy", I left it on something by Cadillac Blonde. I think someone is posting reviews in places where they shouldn't be. O.o" -- Wolfa. "And I think you're a horrible person, saying that about my work, and then making up excuses as to why you said it." -- ___. ".... wha?" -- Wolfa. "Quick explanation for anyone coming to this later. someone was copying reviews (mine and other peoples) and pasting them on other people's work. I'm sure it kept them amused for at least a couple of hours. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "Psst, it was Nic!" -- The Informant. "Muzzle Flash�s Review: The Old Enemy Sue (Sooz) Simpson Ivan sat waiting. It wouldn�t be long. He knew that ***ax �that� and all other �that�s� in the work, then read, only where the sentence makes no sense without it. You will find you don�t need to re-add many.*** when he walked out of the door He would be waiting for him. An overly psyched bully who was hoping to pound Ivan into the ground. ***Sentence fragment.*** Ivan felt a tide of fear that made him feel ***ax �feel�*** physically sick rising with the gorge in his throat, ***Period, then new sentence.*** he swallowed it down ***ax �it down�*** and covered it with a mask of bravado that almost fooled himself. His old enemy was far larger than he was in both stature and brawn, couple ***change to �coupled� and ax �that�*** that with the predictability of a viper and Ivan had every right to feel scared. He remembered the last time. The viciousness of the punches raining down on top of him, the force of the other one�s temper. The look in Mikes ***This is a possessive case, so be sure to use your apostrophe.*** eyes when all reason left them and white-hot fury was all that remained. Ivan put his hand up to feel his long healed ear. He could still feel Mikes ***Remember that whenever something is being possessed and the possessor needs a �s� added to it to indicate that, be sure to add an apostrophe before the �s� to indicate a possessive relationship.*** teeth grinding into the tender cartilage, could still feel the swelling in his permanently spread nose and remembered again what it was like to have pounding headaches for weeks afterwards and eyes so battered that they were swollen closed. The Bastard wasn't going to do that to him again. ***Interesting turn of events, this indeed was a surprise.*** Ivander Holyfield walked into the ring with his head held high. He touched his hand to what was left of his right ear lobe and glared intimidatingly at Mike Tyson. The crowd went into a blood lust frenzy. This was the grudge match that the boxing world had been waiting for. ***Good twist. Many times I can see them coming, but you did it well by tricking the reader into believing they were playground children, and then showing us the reality of the situation. However the ending trails off, and without a proper conclusion it feels a bit empty.*** " -- Cam Davis. "Thank-you, this one was never meant to be much of anything. Just a little pun more than anything. Thanks Cam http://members.lycos.co.uk/suesimpson/ " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. The Iceberg by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (9) "Your work needs a great deal of improvement, Sue (Sooz) Simpson, but don't worry, everything is possible through RoseDog.com. RoseDog.comThe largest manuscript showcase available to writers, agents, and publishers.Enter RoseDog BooksBecome a published author at a fraction of the cost of traditional self-publishing.Enter RoseDog is working to get writers noticed. We now have 110 publishers and 59 agents registered with us! There are over 6,870 manuscripts in the showcase! � Writers: Are you looking for a publisher or agent? Learn about the benefits of RoseDog membership here. � Showcase excerpts from your unpublished work quickly and easily. Use your RoseDog email to communicate with other writers. Request a free banner to draw attention to your manuscript. � Read our Writers FAQs here. � Agents and Publishers: Find out why RoseDog makes good business sense for you. No fees, no commissions, no hassles. " -- RoseDog Afficianado. "Since ya didn't say nuthin' we chose this one cuz nobody'd reviewed it yet. Gotta warn ya ahead dude, that this ain't my thing, but Macy said I shuldn't let that stop me. Anywho I'll look it over, and tell ya wat I think. " -- Macy & R. Rated. "Whatever dictionary you�re using now, I�d suggest using a Webster�s or a Funk and Wagnall, or if you try to have this published in the US you�ll have alott of editors pissed off at you. Change �weighing up it�s� to �weighing up its� since nothing on this side of the ole Pond belongs to an "it". �She could see it�s potential� once again same thing, and I�d include a semi colon after �potential�. �moulded� should be �molded.� �and it had formed� instead of just �it had formed.� �appearance of pliability, It was hard� I�d drop that �It� to a lower case, though I understand that you Limey Brits probably do it different over there. �realise� to �realize.� Hell it took me a few times to write it the first way, because my computer automatically switches it to the �z� form. �character in the ice,� I�d put a semi colon in there instead. �colour� drop the �u� girl. �there is no colour in ice, Only refracted light� now there you go again capitalizing in the middle of a sentence. �sculpture was complete, The artist� damn there ya go again. �melted..Is�.Nothing.� Ok an ellipses is three points, not two, and not four, and once again whassup with the capitals that don�t belong. As for the story itself, it was ok, but my boy and I R. Rated couldn�t really get into it, things were happening, but nothing really happened, ya know what I mean? Not alott a soul or depth, but I�m sure you could improve it by studying characterization. Anywho that�s all she wrote for me. This�ll probably be the last time ya here from me, since that�s a pretty sweet deal that Rosedog guy�s offering. I�m outta here. Peace out!" -- Macy & R. Rated. "Thanks for this, sorry I never got back to you sooner. I'll have a shuftie at yours today. I agree with every word you say *except* changing from English to American. Believe me I form bad habits very quickly and it took me ages to stop putting Z in the middle of everything. The rest though is just sheer bad writing and I've amended my copy but haven't a clue how to edit on here. something I should find out methinks. As to the capitalisation fetish (Oh that was a bad one) I'm thankful and delighted to have grown out of that. This was never meant to be a deep and meaningful *story* it was just an idea that I liked and wanted to put into words I wanted it to be short and snappy and I think to go into characterisation would have made it too long to hold the idea behind it. Thanks again, good review. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "Hey, don't know what happened, but for some reason my story got deleted. Still ache for that review though. Could ya send it to [email protected] that's my mom's address, but she won't mind. Thanx!" -- Macy & R. Rated. "Jeffrey (George) Winter... JA St.George, could be same person. Be careful." -- Grahm. "Thanks Graham, but I don't mind who I review. Thanks for caring :-) " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "Muzzle Flash�s Review: ***This piece intrigued me, so I decided to review*** The Iceberg Sue (Sooz) Simpson The sculptress walked twice round the huge piece of ice, weighing up ***ax �up�*** it�s ***its*** perspective. She could see it�s ***its*** potential, ***period, then begin new sentence.*** she looked through the external block and could see the form within. The ice had been taken from a larger iceberg ***I�d say �The piece had been taken from an iceberg� which serves multiple functions, such as: shortening sentence length, avoiding the redundancy of saying �ice� in the same sentence, and eliminating �larger� which is obvious.***, it still formed the contours of the parent block, it had moulded to their shape, it had formed, from their ideals and conditions. The sculptress took up her tools, and bravely ***is �bravely� the correct word to use here. Why would she be suppressing fear, when it came to sculpting this block of ice?*** began to chip away at the iceberg ***You may mean this as a metaphor, but still this is only a piece of the iceberg, not the whole.*** , she tried to form it into it�s ***its*** own shape that was something separate from the parent block, something individual. The iceberg was cold; she wanted to breathe some warmth into it. However, fire and ice, each has the power of destruction over the other. She continued to tap away at the ice, and gradually it began to take shape, ***Period, new sentence.*** it had been rigid, she wanted to give it the appearance of pliability, ***Period, new sentence.*** It was hard she wanted to create the effect of softening the edges, so that ***ax �that�*** it appeared less abrasive and sharp. Above all it was cold and she wanted to create an effect of warmth. Yet she came, with the passage of time, to realise ***realize*** that ***ax �that�*** all these images that ***go through and eliminate all the �that�s� then read them where the sentence no longer makes sense. You will find you don�t need to do a lot of reading.*** were forming were only slights of hand. They were not character in the ice, they were but illusions of a personality where no personality existed. She could see prisms in the sculpture, but what is a prism? It is but an illusion, there is no colour in ice, Only refracted light, light from an external source bouncing from it and making it appear animated. She gave him ***You suddenly interjected �him.� Where are you coming from? Up until now it has appeared to the reader as �it,� This could however be a complex and �unstated to reader� metaphor, so to make sure I shall read on.***, her warmth; she gave him her light. Finally the sculpture was complete, ***Alter comma to period.*** The artist was pleased with herself. She walked again, twice round her iceberg, and saw that, it was still a two dimensional form, it, was inanimate ***Even if it were in all four dimensions, it still would be inanimate. You still may be talking metaphors here, I�m uncertain.***. She needed to breathe life into it. She took her warm hands and put them to his face. It instantly began to loose ***lose*** form beneath her touch. She welcomed this. She saw this melting of the ice, as movement, fluidity, softness ***lose what you feel is the least valuable of these three adjectives. It will help your sentence to become stronger.*** . Her warmth was making it pliable, ***Period, new sentence.*** gone would be the cold rigidity of the ice. Gone would be the iceberg. She watched her statue melt around her. ***Unmetaphorically this cannot be accurate. Unless subjected to long periods to exposed body heat the ice will not melt, especially a large block of ice. Besides the human body would become too cold after a few minutes, and begin to rapidly lose body heat.*** Too late, she realised, ***realized*** that what is left when ice has melted..Is....Nothing. ***Incorrect use of capitalization.*** Nothing But ***but*** a large, wet, pool of water. ***�of water� can be dropped since the reader already knows you are speaking of melting ice.*** The sculptress is once again alone. ***Here you have switched from past tense to present tense.*** She took her decree absolute and dropped it into the puddle where her husband had been. ***Interesting, but very strange, perhaps? metaphoric tale.*** " -- Cam Davis. "Thanks, terrible gr/punc in this one, it's an early piece. thanks Cam. http://members.lycos.co.uk/suesimpson/" -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. The Almighty Hand by Kylan Masters (1) "here here here here here here here here here here" -- Jennifer Cabrera, Penny Medina, Bud Ortega, Tina Haley. Saved By A Bell by Anne Hawkins (4) "This was a great story, though incredibly scary and spooky!!! But I guess it was meant to be that way! I think we'll be seeing much more of this author in the future! Good luck to her!" -- Shan. "This is a strong, well rounded story. It's also incredibly descriptive with a great sense of suspense. " -- Jimmy. "Very, Very good. Tense, gripping just the right length. The only fault I could find is that I think we need to know Why James hated redheads. But a very well deserved 9/10. I loved this." -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "Very nice story. Hope to see one about a killer attack hapster at some point. ;)" -- Ben. Neighbourhood Watch by Andrea Andrea (1) "You are an excellent writer, Andrea Andrea,certainly you are looking for more than the hassle you can get here. RoseDog.comThe largest manuscript showcase available to writers, agents, and publishers.Enter RoseDog BooksBecome a published author at a fraction of the cost of traditional self-publishing.Enter RoseDog is working to get writers noticed. We now have 110 publishers and 59 agents registered with us! There are over 6,870 manuscripts in the showcase! � Writers: Are you looking for a publisher or agent? Learn about the benefits of RoseDog membership here. � Showcase excerpts from your unpublished work quickly and easily. Use your RoseDog email to communicate with other writers. Request a free banner to draw attention to your manuscript. � Read our Writers FAQs here. � Agents and Publishers: Find out why RoseDog makes good business sense for you. No fees, no commissions, no hassles. " -- RoseDog Afficianado. Guardian Angel by Danielle Pettrey (1) "You are an excellent writer, Danielle Pettrey, certainly you are looking for more than the hassle you can get here. RoseDog.comThe largest manuscript showcase available to writers, agents, and publishers.Enter RoseDog BooksBecome a published author at a fraction of the cost of traditional self-publishing.Enter RoseDog is working to get writers noticed. We now have 110 publishers and 59 agents registered with us! There are over 6,870 manuscripts in the showcase! � Writers: Are you looking for a publisher or agent? Learn about the benefits of RoseDog membership here. � Showcase excerpts from your unpublished work quickly and easily. Use your RoseDog email to communicate with other writers. Request a free banner to draw attention to your manuscript. � Read our Writers FAQs here. � Agents and Publishers: Find out why RoseDog makes good business sense for you. No fees, no commissions, no hassles. " -- RoseDog Afficianado. Ellen And Aubery by David Gardiner (5) "You are an excellent writer, David Gardiner, certainly you are looking for more than the hassle you can get here. RoseDog.comThe largest manuscript showcase available to writers, agents, and publishers.Enter RoseDog BooksBecome a published author at a fraction of the cost of traditional self-publishing.Enter RoseDog is working to get writers noticed. We now have 110 publishers and 59 agents registered with us! There are over 6,870 manuscripts in the showcase! � Writers: Are you looking for a publisher or agent? Learn about the benefits of RoseDog membership here. � Showcase excerpts from your unpublished work quickly and easily. Use your RoseDog email to communicate with other writers. Request a free banner to draw attention to your manuscript. � Read our Writers FAQs here. � Agents and Publishers: Find out why RoseDog makes good business sense for you. No fees, no commissions, no hassles. " -- RoseDog Afficianado. "Pure Class 9/10. From the first sentence I was hooked on this. wonderful writing and great charaterisation. I have two problems with it though, one minor and one a bit bigger. The first is the lisp thing, did he have a lisp? or did he have problems with the letter 'R'? or did he have both? If it isn't both I'd change the word 'lisp' to speech imprediment. See how I'm having to nit pick to find fault? The other problem is one that I'll be interested to find out what other readers think. there's one part that doesn't work for me. After the second fight, how they all carry on living together in the flat. I know it's a whole part of the weird inter-mingled threesome .. BUT. I don't think it's realistic. Aubs has a temper okay he's a bully who won't stand up to big male people but he's still temperamental. I don't think he'd just meekly melt into the backgroud and put up with the new situation. for me it would work better if they moved out immediately, and Aubrey found 'excuses' to come round and torment her. As I said earlier I hope other people comment on this because I'd like to see if they think that part is believeable. For me that lost you one point, other than that fantastic. Your writing commands attention. I know once before you said I shouldn't fawn and be in awe of you, but I do think you are a very 'domineering' writer. you take no prisoners and command attention. I love your stories. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "I found this story to be absolutely believable, but perhaps that's only because it so closely mirrors an experience I had. Yes, Sooz, situations like that really do occur, it adds to the imperfection of real life. No act of kindness ever goes unpunished; nice guys finish last; choose your own cliche. Fortunately I'm still enough of a die-hard romantic to see the beauty in those few shared moments. In my dreams, the Aubreys don't always get the girl; but then, that's what dreams are for. I'm almost on a rant, so I shall shut-up now. Anyway Dave, another well written piece. I'm quite certain the next story I read will be great too." -- AJ Magy, Sfld, MI, US. "This was another well written story but I'd have to agree with Sooz.I feel it would've been a better story if there were more interaction between David and Aubrey.How about a fist fight? Then again, perhaps you don't like to interject violence into your stories.But all in all this story was a good read and you are very talented. " -- David Daniels. "Many thanks for your kind remarks David. It's literally years since I have visited Storyshed, and this story has in the meantime been incorporated in my first published collection "The Rainbow Man and Other Stories". The truth is, this story is almost entirely autobiographical, and although like Sooz I didn't really expect Aubery to take it the way he did it was what actually happened. To be honest I don't think the fist fight would add to the story, it's really a psychological study, but I agree that more interaction between the two male characters might have improved it. I wrote it in a slightly longer form originally but then cut it down to use it as a competition entry. I prefer the shorter version myself. It's still one of my own favourites of my own efforts. Many thanks again for reading and commenting." -- David Gardiner, London, England. A School Tragedy by Ruby Webster (1) "Interesting" -- Daniella Williams, Utah. The Mind's Work by Trevor Sammon (4) "Good stuff Trevor, the most wonderful and heart wrenching five minutes of my life happened to me while reading your story." -- Chris C, sdg, sdg, sg. "This is beautiful. I'm not sure that I entirely 'got it' but I got the gist of it. I'm a bit thick sometimes. The story was peaceful and had a clam, biblical feel to it. I'd look out for word repetitions you have eight 'his' in the first para. And things like "He turned to return to his bed" (EAM) either he turned to his bed, or her returned to his bed would sound better. Again with "Stuck for words, he was a man of action not words" (EAM) two 'words' too close together. These are only minor nits but they alter the flow of anotherwise pretty piece. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "I think one of us is missing something here, The Author. Sorry to state the obvious but that isn't a review it's a story. I admit a complete load of drivel of a story but a story none-the-less. For my reviews I sugest you check *other* people's work Duh! Will I ever do anyrthing right? Will anyone ever think quietly to themselves, damn that Sooz seems like a nice woman? Will I ever eat pizza and not put on half a stone overnight? No probably not." -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "DUDE! it all makes sense now that its explained! that is a masterpiece (pun intended), when's the movie comin out? BUt seriously, that is a really insightful story that forces you to look beyond the words. Good stuff mate" -- Sam Reeves, Brisbane, QLD, Australia. The Half Empty Glass. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (1) "Sorry but this was too large for my group to review." -- Cam Davis. The Comet. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (4) "Sooz: When I was about 5 years old, I wanted to be like Superman...So I climbed on the rooftop of a neighbors garage, tied a towel around my neck for a cape and jumped off thinking I could fly. The end result was a trip to the hospital and 15 stiches on my forehead. The scar on my forehead remains to this day, that was 46 years ago, my father who was suppose to be baby sitting while my mother was at work was home sleeping. Your story reminded me of how powerful the excitement and imagination of a child can be. In many ways your "Billy" charactor is more believable to me than you will ever know! Thanks for posting this story. " -- Robert (Monte) Montesino, USA. "Kids are invincible, one of the beauty's of a child's mind is that they know no fear or boundaries. Thanks Monte." -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "Mark VII�s Review: The Comet. Sue (Sooz) Simpson The comet was dazzling as it flew through the air. The black/blue velvet theatre curtain of the night, was the perfect backdrop for it�s awesome brilliance. The main body of the comet was blinding in its light, the tail crescendoed from the amazing torch, blazing a trail across the sky that proclaimed �Come bathe in my pure light, stand with face upturned in awe at my splendour, rejoice in my innocent wonder.� The crowd was enthralled. They had been talking about the comet on the television for weeks, singing its praises, and quoting it as being the best one yet. The biggest, the brightest, the most colourful. It was truly amazing. The boys were mesmerised, as it travelled ***Just one �l�*** across the sky. �Was it miles?� � Was it infinite miles?� �Was it mere feet?� The boys didn�t know. �How fast was it travelling?� �Where would it stop?� ***These questions are clipped, and don�t seem to represent anything, and they aren�t being represented by anyone. If you are going to introduce a group of people from this group or person??? Than this would be the prime time to do it.*** These were all questions that were thrown into the night without response, to mix with the oooh�s and aaah�s. Paul Ellis said very grandly, because he�d heard a man on an old television program say the same thing when he was talking about the launching of Apollo 7, �Never again in our lifetime, will we see such an awesome occurrence.� Paul was the brainy one. Dave Mawson said, �Wow!� And Billy Jackson swore to remember this night for the rest of his life. Billy watched as the comet started it�s ***nothing belongs to an it*** descent. He gasped in excitement and staggered backwards, when he realised that ***Cameron informs me that you won�t be able to read HTML, so just know that I crossed out several of the �that�s� you used throughout, including this one. It was a practice I used to use myself, until I allowed myself to catch it. The guys in this group really set me straight on that point. Sometimes you have to use it like what I did just thirteen words ago, but a lot of the time you don�t.*** it was going to land close to him. As it sailed over his head, he began to run towards it. If he ran fast he could be the first one on the scene to watch the death throws of the comet. He didn�t want to miss a single second of this wondrous thing�s life. His heart thumped, the adrenaline pounding through his body. His endorphins, dancing with joy as he ran to claim his trophy. He reached it. It was his for the taking. The others were still a good fifty yards from him. He bent and picked up the still smoking comet, ***Can anyone outside of Superman and the Human Torch really pick up a 300+F object?*** He held it lovingly for a second, before holding it aloft, and waving it to the sky. � Billy Bryce, the boy who caught the comet.� He yelled triumphantly. He heard someone shout �Oh Shit.� Someone else screamed �Billy ... NO.� Yes they would all want to hold the comet, and they would have a great wrestle soon. But for now, for this second, he was the victor of the comet, and he brandished his treasure, with pride. ***Huh? What the hell just happened? Major shift in story! You might be trying to achieve suspense, which is achieved by a great many superb writers by withholding a scene for the time being, but here it is made confusing and annoying.*** The sign in the toy shop window said. The one and only COMET. An innovation in firework history. You have had the �Bomb it�s� Now try the Comet! The biggest and the best, only �14:99.� The friends had all clubbed together to buy the coveted comet. Paul, who looked much older than his 13 and a half years, and was by far the most sensible looking of the boys, drew the short straw in the vote to go and buy it. The expedition had been a success. When the explosion took Billy�s hands and most of his face, and burned over eighty percent of his body, he felt no pain. Just a moment of nothing, white, quiet, nothing. In that moment he was aware of screaming, confusion, and panic, but none of that was his. He felt nothing. In that moment he saw his right hand blown free of his wrist. His left was dangling by a few ravaged ligaments and sinews. Time stood still in that moment, as he felt the sight leave his eyes. Yet still he felt the sticky viscous fluid stream as his eye popped with a sickening wet ploppy sound. The eye itself melted, but the debris, which it left behind slapped onto his cheek as it dangled slackly from the optic nerve. He smelled the burning before the fireball that engulfed him took his hair. It also robbed him of his eyelashes, his skin, His nose and most of his top lip. Oh God the precious moment was over. Please bring back that �nothing moment� and take away the pain he pleaded silently. The pain made him scream the scream of the damned, as his lips sizzled back from his teeth, to expose gums that were themselves, blistered and bursting. God heard him, and the pain didn�t last long. The �nothingness� took him quickly. Billy�s parents were enjoying the peace. The kids were old enough to make their own entertainment. Weren�t they? Remember; remember the 5th of November. Send your kids out to play, and they�ll come back an ember. Billy�s parents snuggled on the sofa, oblivious for the moment of the fact that they would have every other night to snuggle on the sofa in peace. ***OK I�m confused. Is this piece intended to �teach� us about improper fireworks handling, or is it just a reason to show in dramatic detail something very nasty?*** " -- Cam Davis. "Lol you are preaching at me about grammar (which I admit is terrible in my case,) and yet you come out with this corker 'like what I did thirteen rows ago' ... and to answer your last question a little bit of both. Thanks for the review and thanks to Cam. Sooz. " -- Sooz, Cumbria, England, Cumbria. The Big Picture by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (11) "Hi there. I'm new to the board, and I can't seem to get my stories reviewed or any of my questions answered. I asked a few others about it, and they said that you would know the reason why." -- David. "The administrators have removed my original story Golilocks. Don't you think that's extremely unfair. Anyway I've had it, I'm outta here!!! :-(" -- Patina Williams. "If you are indeed a geniune submitter, I'd be glad to review some of oyur stuff David, but it's funny there's no listing for a David, and no stuff submitted under a David. Several David somebody's but no just David ... lead me to your work and I'd be happy to oblige. The strange thing is when you look up Patina Williams there's no listings either .. or for The Advisor. How strange, and I so wanted to say something encouraging about their work." -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "There's also a rumor floating around the board that the Advisor is David Soriano, and he's trying to be more prolific than you in order to one up you, but like I say it's just a rumor. I also heard that he's also Branson Storm, so that way you say nice things about his work without realizing it's him so he can then laugh at you, but like I said it's just something I heard. Just thought you might like to know. This will be the last time I get into somebody else's argument though." -- Cadillac Blonde. "Oh I realise I'm being played with :-) it really doesn't concern me. I'd be happy to say nice things about JA's writing if it's good regardless of what his name is. Storm is one of the best writers on the site and he's also a generous reader, I like him. As to David I haven't had the chance to read any of his work yet, but I wouldn't have thought he's JA. Apparently I have read and admired his work, just because I disagree with the things he's said about me, doesn't mean that I'd change my opinion of him as a writer ... good on him. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "Hi Dave Soriano is truly... Dave Soriano I am a chemistry prof. here is my website: http://www.pitt.edu/~soriano/peptide.htm All the best, Dave" -- Dave Soriano, Bradford, Pa., USA. "I know David :-) " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "Calloused 1�s Review: The Band Played On Sue (Sooz) Simpson The sweeping rises of neatly kept grassy banks resembled immense Appaloosa horse flanks. The leaves of the aristocratic oak boughs were making stencils for the probing rays of strong afternoon sunlight to dapple the lawns and grasses of the park. ***Quite a mouthful, would never play well to an American audience*** Couples and family groups, elderly people and children all being drawn by the magnetic pull of the music, urging them towards the bandstand. It was a graceful park, an architect�s triumph and landscapers ***Apostrophe*** crowning glory. Each weedy sapling had been planted with a century�s forethought. An artists ***�*** fantasy had been an image of a tree-lined walk. Oaks and beeches bending their heads to whisper to each other over the tops of people passing beneath. He had planned and planted accordingly. The walk opened out into the focal point of the park, a circular clearing large enough to place seating for three hundred people, all facing the central bandstand. A bandstand surrounded by a Lilly-padded ***I�m not so certain �lily� needs to be capitalized here.*** moat. The conical structure of darkened wood stately in its elegance, strong in its ability to withstand the elements of time, topped with a hexagonal canopy gently sloping to protect the musicians from the worst of the British summer weather. ***Excellent use of description, and well placed too since it is obvious that this will become the focal point of the story. Some writers make the mistake of overly describing things that have no importance whatsoever.*** They walked in the park that Sunday the way they had during countless other lazy weekends together. Her delicate hand looped under his sleeve and resting lightly on his forearm. The weight of it the merest burden. They walked in silence as all the words had already been spoken. And the band played on. ***My editorial eye is prophetically foreseeing the beginning of a motif here. I hope I�m wrong though, it never works that well outside of poetry, and for the post part was laid to rest at the beginning of the 20th century.*** It had been force of habit to come here. This was where they always came. They had listened to the band and held hands on many lazy summer afternoons. They walked by the lake and leaned into each ***other�s*** embrace on nights when the sky covered them from prying eyes with a canopy of Indigo Velvet ***Unless the canopy has some sort of marquee sign on it, I don�t see why you need to capitalize this.*** . It was here, one crisp winter�s night, when his lips had fist ***�fist� he whacked her in the mouth?*** brushed hers, his ice-cold nose resting against her cheek. It was here that ***as any editor worth his salt will tell you, get rid of �that� in most cases. It adds nothing. There are other cases in your work, but I won�t point them out, since I�ve already mentioned it. Just be sure to look for them.*** they had fallen in love. Here as they stood in the deserted bandstand that he had dropped to one knee and asked her to be his bride. And now, here they were again. Today surrounded by other people. People living through their own drama�s ***Why is �drama� placed with a possessive apostrophe? Nothing belongs to it in this sentence.*** and crisis, or merely stagnating on a Sunday afternoon. And the band played on. ***It looks as though I�m unfortunately correct about the use of motif. The author either has a strong background in very old work or in poetry. I�d suggest getting away from that if you want to write for a modern-day drama audience.*** He turned to her, his eyes beseeching and it was at that second that the last light of hope burning there flickered and finally sputtered out, leaving only an expression of dull acceptance blinking back at her. And the band played on Her pale hand cupped the weathered brown skin of his face, he leant his cheek into the familiar softness of her touch. She smiled at him. A sweet sad, smile and her clear eyes said the word that her lips could not muster. Those beautiful, blue eyes that had once frightened him with the intensity of passion that smouldered ***I�d suggest dropping all non-standard variations of words. I know that they are Old English, and therefore predate modern American English, but you need to remember that you are trying to convey your work to a modern day audience, therefore emulating Shakespeare wouldn�t do.*** there. Eyes that had locked his, holding them captive. Not allowing him to break their hold for one second as his need of her had exploded through his body to match hers at the mutual moment of release. Eyes that had not sparked with passion for some time but only managed to convey that one lonely word. Goodbye. Her lips when they touched his cheek were cold. She stood up, leaving him in his seat. He couldn�t have moved if he had tried. He watched her walk away. Her skirt swishing ***I�d use any other word �but� swishing*** around her legs as she walked. She never once looked back. That was how Freddie remembered her. Walking back into the sunlight. The band had stopped playing. Many years later a different woman walked in the park. She pulled the collar of her fleece tightly round her neck, the clammy wetness of suede gloves touching her under the chin. She shivered. It was a bitterly cold evening. The icy-coldness seemed appropriate to her mood. She had felt compelled to get out of the house. She knew she was not going to be able to cope for much longer living with a man who�s ***whose*** touch turned her blood to ice. She had almost shuddered tonight as he had moved behind her and groped roughly at her breast. She was scared to stay, scared to leave, scared to breathe. He had pivoted her towards him, his fingers biting into the soft flesh of her upper arms. His leer and harsh feted breath telling her what was on his mind. His vulgar hardness stretching the material of his pants, a small darkened stain showing that he had already past the point where he could be deterred. He had fumbled at the buttons of her shirt mumbling coarse ugly words. His foul breath was causing her to turn her head. The stench of the drinking he�d done at lunchtime now stale and sour, it reflected the ugliness of his mood. Growing impatient with his half-drunken fumbling he had ripped the material apart. He pulled the cups of her bra down so that he breasts fell free and then she resigned herself to what she knew would at least be a brief humiliation. His hot wet mouth had clamped itself to her breast. His hands rucked ***Another non-standard word*** up the material of her skirt as he forced her back against the sink unit. Her pants were ripped from her body, the elastic cutting into her flesh before giving way with a loud rip. She closed her eyes, and prayed he would at least be quiet. He released himself, from the restricting material of his pants and took her savagely. Using his penis like a road worker might use a phenumatic ***I�m torn between deciding whether this is OE or just a misspelling. In any event respell it �pneumatic�*** drill. Devoid of all tenderness or love. To think that she had once enjoyed this kind of rough sex, it had been new and exciting. He had been exciting then, the naughty boy she thought she could tame. She had long ago stopped craving a gentle touch and slow soft easy lovemaking. These days all she wanted was to be left alone. It was over in a matter of seconds. A grunt, a shudder a mess to clean up, but done. At least he hadn�t hit her. She had got off lightly. More importantly the kids remained glued to the Television in the next room oblivious to what had just taken place. She thanked the God she didn�t believe in for this small mercy. In the shower she had scrubbed at the raised welts on her thighs where he had gripped her hard during his orgasm. She rubbed soap into the tender bruises on her breasts, amazed that anybody could describe these as �Love bites�. They were the brand of an animal. She had to get free of the house, breathe some fresh air. If she didn�t get out surely she would take a knife to him as he slept. She brushed a tear from her cheek with the glove, her face stung with the biting wind. It was a clean welcome stinging. As she neared the end of the tree walk that led to the bandstand she heard the low rhythmic creaking. It sounded like a child swinging slowly backwards and forewords on a swing. She knew what this was. Knew that it was far more sinister than a child at play. The hairs rose at the back of her neck, and her arms became a mass of gooosepimples ***Switch from the British to the American and say �goosebumps�*** beneath her thick layers of clothing. She knew what she was going to see as she reached the clearing, yet felt compelled to keep moving forward. The body hanging from the bandstand roof swung slowly to and fro. Head to chest arms limp. The ghost of Freddie Brown should have sent her screaming back along the path, as it had so many others. Yet she felt no fear. All she felt was a dawning enlightenment. She thought of her children. The jogger heard the slow steady creak. She slowed but could not stop. Feeling herself drawn to the bandstand, she knew she was going to see the Ghost of Freddie brown, She was terrified and yet at the same time a little excited. Sarah reached the clearing and screamed. ***You throw out names and events at us. Obviously you know who they are and how they are related, but you expect your reader to guess.*** Her mother�s body swung from the roof of the bandstand, head to chest, arms limp. Her Stepfather ***Unless his name is Stepfather, no caps*** had insisted on holding a memorial service in her mother�s memory at the bandstand in the park. He really was a crass, vile little man. ***You�re telling not showing, which is especially bad here since it isn�t being narrated by a character, instead it is being narrated omnisciently and therefore why does a non-existent person have such strong feelings to interject into the story?*** He had taken her mother, but more than that he had taken the respect she had always had for her mother. How could anyone leave their child to the unwanted attentions of a violent drunkard. ***? required***Sarah had never felt less loved. The service droned on, but she had switched off. All she saw was her Mothers ***�*** body swinging backwards and forwards ***change to �back and forth�***. Her thoughts turned to the length of rope in the garden shed. Later she would carry that same length of rope to the bandstand. She stood with the others to sing Abide with me. ***Since �Abide with me� appears to be the title of a song, be sure to offset it.*** And the band played on. ***Alright the story in and of itself is interesting, but what is the point of it? You introduce some fine possible plot threads, but then nonchalantly toss them aside. The story then culminates in the reader asking what the writer wanted to say with the piece.*** " -- Cam Davis. "I can't believe this stupid site messed me up again. Ignore that last post. Calloused 1�s Review: The Big Picture Sue (Sooz) Simpson The twelve-year-old lay on her front with legs kicking absently behind her keeping time to some unheard tune. One of her once white, grubby grey socks had dislodged itself to lie in loose folds around her ankle. The other, the one with some residue of elasticity remaining, clung defiantly to her leg just below the chubby knee. Her hair flopped in an unkempt braid to her mid back, bits coming awry at irregular intervals down it�s length, the bottom secured with a red ribbon which had also endured a long and boisterous day. It had started to unravel leaving a red strand of cotton adhering to her tatty blue jumper. Her face could have been pretty, were it not for the set features and the fierce scowl of concentration. Her tongue lolled out of the left side of her mouth, darting along her bottom lip as the felt pen scratched backwards and forwards ***back and forth*** across the page. The soft skin below the lip was kept moist and showed the first signs of chapping as the child constantly wet it. �...And before we hand over to the weather centre ***center*** to get the regional outlook for the next twenty-four hours. A quick re-cap of the worlds ***world�s*** headlines, as they happened today. The devastation in Northern Turkey looks no less horrifying almost a week after a hurricane blew across the county, wiping out huge areas of densely populated township. It killed thousands and left thousands more desolate, wounded and homeless. IN ***Oops double capping*** New York. USA. A plague of killer mosquitoes are holding the city in a grip of fear. The mutant strain of insect has already claimed the lives of three people, and fifty more lie in critical condition around the city. People are being advised to stay indoors with all windows secured. Closer to home and in the North Sea an oil tanker has run aground, sending out a slick of oil a mile and a half long. It is estimated that three thousand sea birds along the coast have been washed up covered in the black oil. Rescue workers have assembled and are racing against the clock to treat the birds before they succumb to the deadly oil and die ***Holy redundancy Batman! If you succumb to something, you do die from it*** A twelve-year-old child is said to be �comfortable� in ***�a� or �the hospital�. Saying just university or institution is also poor without a modifier.*** hospital today after giving birth to a Six ***It is very Deutsch to capitalize all nouns, not English.*** lb 4 oz ***Here�s another point I find odd. I would�ve accepted it fine if you had stated it in metrics or stone, because I believe you are European, most likely British, but when you state the baby�s weight in American Standard measurements it leads me to believe that you want this to sell to an American audience, so all the more reason to avoid using OE.*** baby Boy. A spokesman for the West Cheshire hospital said ...� A mother in Scotland turned off the television, as did one in England, Ireland Wales, and Outer Mongolia. �Oh well time to wash up the dinner things I suppose.� The length and breadth of the globe, other families, in other homes were going about their daily rituals. �Mum. I�ve finished.� The child ran to her mother to show her the finished masterpiece. The mother smiled down at her child trying to muster some encouragement. The picture showed a little girl with legs splayed giving birth to a rag doll. The mother placed it down on the worktop next to the picture of the oil covered, dying birds. ***Go with what you believe is your strongest adjective and drop the other, it will only serve to make your writing stronger.*** �That�s very interesting dear, but why don�t you do something a little more cheerful? � . The child gave her Mother the �Oh you�re old what do you know about anything� look, and went back to her room. Presently the mother heard her daughter�s pens scribbling frantically. The mother looked over some of the pictures her child had done recently. She frowned, a look of concern and worry clouding her gentle face. She had consulted a child psychologist about the pictures. He said not to worry about them it was just the child�s way of building herself a more exciting world. What more could she possibly want than this? Afterall wasn�t this Utopia? The mother fingered the pictures, looking over each one discerningly and then putting it on the table before her. They had started off so nicely. Her daughter had talent there was no denying that. People in a beautiful garden, a boat, full of animals, a queen being crowned. Then they had begun to change, a gradual subtle change. The pictures became darker. It started with people fighting. Ugly pictures of people hurting each other in unimaginable ways. Where had she got such a notion? People didn�t do that to each other. Some of the pictures were titled. The child had such an imagination what did these words mean Famine? War? Hunger? The mother of God picked up the latest picture. It was quite pretty really. A lovely blue and green ball engulfed in flames. She shook her head sadly as she looked at her little girl, God really was developing a morbid imagination. �But this is Utopia.� said Mary. ***I get the gist of this story, but I really do believe it could be told a bit better, perhaps by more clearly stating that the girl had supreme powers over our own reality, or by clearly showing our Earth, and separating it from the girl�s world, and then surprising the reader with it.*** " -- Cam Davis. "To be honest, I'm really glad that I don't have to use these writing sites, since I have my email group. They seem to mess up 75 percent of the time." -- Cam Davis. "Thanks for the review .. thank you Cam. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. 1st Part Intro by Roberto J Moreno (1) "What in the world is this. You go from one topic to the next and its not understandable to me." -- C. Spener. Go to page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 |
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