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Short Stories Reviews |
Ed's Gift by Jeffrey (George) Winter (1) "Is this about the purity of time? Interesting imagery the waves and the rain. A little awkward in places, "glance peered?" glance swept or wandered but not peered. That's like triping on something in the dark..oops. Liked the first scene with the pool balls and the bells, very descriptive. And the characterization of self righteousness, that was transparent. Promising. " -- Shelley, Fullerton, California, USA. To Understand The True Meaning Of Meaning by Musau (4) "This is the weirdest story I've ever read. First of all 'jinni' is spelled 'genie.' If your going to submit your stories to the public then make some kind of effort to spell the main character right.But then again you can't tell who the main character is because your story is all over the place.From eating soap to being a doormat.I would be embarassed to place a story like this on the website because it makes absolutely no sense what so ever.I'm going to review your poetry and if it is as worse as this story then I'm going to let you know." -- David. "Its quite funny and a lot of imagination. Some people are treated like dogs l do agree. I know that David says that "jinni is spelt as Genie" But when l noted at the end of your story that the Doctor's name is Dr. Jinni so maybe you meant to have spelled it as Jinni. Anyways it was different. " -- jim, Oxford, oxford. "David!!! You sure are reading a lot of my stuff. You are like a theif in the night, that is, a talentless soul who judges without intellectual capacity nor cultural exposure. It's a good thing all my stuff is copyrighted. Otherwise, I would have to watch talentless souls steal my stuff." -- MUSAU, Los Angeles, California, USA. "I read and write in over twelve languages. I speak four different languages fluently. I have lived all over America and many parts of Africa. I have taught at three major universities in America. A misspelled word, a punctuation mark out of place type unrehearsed over the internet do not void the ESSENCE of a creative work in writing. " -- MUSAU, Los Angeles, California, USA. Touchdowns, Dandelions, And The Hawk by Steven T (2) "Hiya Steven here as promised. I liked this and think you have a very readable style. Your description, charecterisasion, dialogue and timing are good. I thought the plot was a little weak and sometimes the humour felt forced as though you were trying a bit too hard. The only thing I can fault technically is that sometimes it was a bit confusing as to who was speaking.But other than those three little niggles it was all good. A strong first posting and I'll be happy to read anything else you post. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "Great story steve.i loved the humor in the story.just tone down the asides,ok?" -- greg pauly. You Are My Sunshine by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (5) "Great story. I didn't really know where it was going until the end. you tied up the loose ends nicely. Hopefully Doctor Young can help Joey soon " -- Steven. "If we lived in a "proper" socialist state Monica wouldn't have to lose her life in order to rescue that of her son would she? This story would probably make Bevan weep. If the NHS was any where near as good as it could be Dr Young would get a job over here. Perhaps he exists in a moral vacuum anyway, only fixing rich people with thousands of pounds to spare. A sad indictment of contemporary Britain, good." -- Fergus O'Ferguson. "Thanks both. This is a shite little story, but although it's not the best I've ever written, I quite like this one. I re-read it after a gap of about two years, and even though I knew what was coming the end made my eyes water. I suppose if it does that to the author then it's one that was worth writing. Normally I'm the first to say that something I've written is total drivel. I've got about half a dozen pieces that i'm really proud of, another dozen of so like this one that I'm okay with and the rest make me cringe. :-)Thank-you. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. "Willy-Nilly�s Review: Monica drew level with the ***bus*** stop just as the ***bus*** was pulling in. Shirley from the office was boarding the*** bus***. �Don�t walk in this weather Mo, come and get on the ***bus***... I think Sooz might try and get a little more variety into her writing. " -- Cam Davis. " Hhhmm good point, I hope Sooz has learnt to be a litle less repetitious, luckily the bus has left the station by the end of the first para or two. Thank you, and thanks to Cam. Please check out me and my books here. http://tinyurl.com/cckn http://tinyurl.com/cck9 http://tinyurl.com/cl81 " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. White Icing by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (2) "Muzzle Flash�s Review: White Icing ***Hmmm interesting this is the second title I�ve viewed with �ice� as its base-word.*** Sue (Sooz) Simpson His hand spun on the dowel of the final flight of stairs. Resting for just a moment, one foot already poised on the bottom tread, he drew a long shuddering breath. Six flights up and down those stairs several times a day and the damned things never seemed to get any easier. ***Good opening lines, which draw a reader in.*** Some days he took these last thirteen steps two at a time as a rebellious act of defiance against his straining heart. Today he felt the blood pumping in his left temple quite strongly enough to tell ***drop �to� then switch to �telling�*** him not to push his luck. He didn�t think he�d mind dying of a heart attack today. In fact it might be a pleasant release, but if he expired right there on the stairs the punk rocker opposite with the two Bull Mastiffs would probably trample him underfoot the next time he took the beasts out, and that would just be so unseemly. Smiling ruefully and panting heavily, he dragged his reluctant body up those last torturous steps, only the thought of a hot cup of coffee giving his calf muscles the added impetus they needed to make the rise. He stopped outside his front door and picked up the small package that had been left. Obviously �Killer� and �Satan�, or whatever the hell �punk-freak� ***If possible put these apostrophed words into italics*** called those dogs, hadn�t been past his door recently. He knew this because the package was completely devoid of glutinous ***It might actually read better to lose the adjective modifying dog.*** dog slobber. Turning the parcel over in his hands, he felt a moment of pain more intense than climbing eighty flights of stairs would have been. The oyster-coloured box with the silver bells and crap was addressed in Sarah�s neat hand. His spirits, already in the bass section of the orchestra, dropped another couple of octaves. ***Strong and well-thought metaphorical image here.*** He let himself into the flat, and smiled as Prissy rubbed herself in greeting around his legs. �Hello baby, have you behaved yourself today? Yes, yes, I�ll feed you now puss, just give me a second to get in. What do you fancy girl, cat food or wedding cake? I would highly recommend the former.� He flicked the switch to boil the kettle, fed the cat, spooned coffee and milk into a cup ***Use a comma here so you don�t jumble the sentence and confuse the reader about who is eating what.*** and milk and cat food into a segregated bowl. She shouldn�t have the milk, but what the hell, this was a celebration. He opened and read three buff-clad ***They were naked?*** pieces of mail, all demands for his hard earned cash, and turned his nose up in the direction of the cat littler tray which was doing a good impression of a Japanese turd garden. While all the time he averted his eyes from the delicate little package on the worktop. The kettle boiled and he poured the steaming water over the rich coffee granules, taking pleasure in the aroma that was released into the air. Okay, it was sullied pleasure owing to the fact that Prissy�s artwork was still percolating its own smell, ***Kitty needs some Fresh Step TM*** but hey, that was the score of his life. He stirred the coffee twenty one ***twenty-one*** times in a clockwise direction and tapped the teaspoon twice on the rim of his cup. Opening the crockery cupboard he bypassed the everyday stuff that he normally used, stretching instead to the furthest corner of the cupboard, from where he retrieved one of his best china side plates. Only the best would do. Picking up his coffee he plonked ***Are you certain you want to be using such a non-standard word in the exposition? It isn�t very professional.*** the box on top of the plate and moved through to sit at the breakfast table looking out onto the communal garden some storeys ***stories*** below. He ran his fingertip lightly over the handwriting on the box. Her handwriting. He felt sad that he couldn�t feel her through the ink. ***Good imagery.*** Had she already slipped so far from him? Prissy lunged onto his knee, shaking the table and causing a small amount of coffee to spill in a Rorshach ***Rorschach*** blot onto the white linen tablecloth. The cat was unrepentant, and pushed her nose boldly into his face. Her whiskers were slick with the remnants of cat food still clinging to them, and she breathed a gust of fish-soured breath into his mouth. He laughed and pushed her gently down. Undeterred, she again jumped onto his knee, only this time she stretched out her hind leg and rested it just below his nose as she began to lick her backside, purring happily. �Be assertive man,� he said aloud as he pushed the cat more forcefully from his knee. �Or are you going to allow yourself to be a convenient perch for an arse-licking cat?� Of course all this was just delaying the inevitable. It couldn�t be put off any longer. He unwrapped the thin sliver of cake, hardly more than a mouthful, thank God. The astringent smell of matured brandy wafted from the rich fruitcake. �Does anybody actually like this stuff?� he thought as he bit through the sickly too-sweet icing, past the thick layer of bitter marzipan which he hated with a vengeance and into the dark cloying moistness of the cake itself. �Blood and Sand; this stuff is horrible,� he thought as he chewed mechanically through the first of three bites. It was disgusting. The second mouthful was even worse than the first; it seemed all the pieces of mixed peel had congregated together to �get him�. He chewed for what seemed like an eternity on the vile symbol of someone else�s happiness, before relishing the blessed release of having covered the lump in enough saliva to enable swallowing. He put the last morsel of cake into his mouth, and sucked the first three fingers on his left hand. �Congratulations�, he said aloud, spraying cake onto the surprised cat. ***Extremely unpleasant images in those last few lines.*** He chewed slowly, savouring ***savoring*** the taste of the disgusting cake, in much the same way that he had luxuriated in his self-pity for the last six months. He ate almost reverently as he took this last sacrament of unrequited love. He swallowed, took a long slug of too-hot coffee and swallowed again. It seemed appropriate that as he finally swallowed his love for Sarah it should burn his throat. Then he sat for a further five minutes at the table watching the flowers bloom, the trees sway and the weeds strangle as he finished his coffee. �I am re-born Prissy,� he said as the cat cocked her head curiously though offering no argument to this statement. �Things are going to be very different around here.� He stood and walked into the living room. Prissy, sensing her human�s strange mood, followed him stealthily. He picked up a crystal penguin from the mantelpiece, took it into the kitchen and stuck it into the tallest turd in the litter box. �I never did like that bloody thing,� he said in explanation. The cat looked at the intruding penguin, which in turn looked as though it were about to ski down the piste, and then she stuck her tail in the air and stalked of ***off***. Hers ***Her�s*** was not to wonder why. Throwing open the French doors that led out onto the balcony the warm summer evening rushed in a pleasant welcome to envelope him and draw him out. So there he stood leaning on his balcony, in his flat. For the first time in months it actually felt quite good to be alive. He was a new man. A girl clopped past on the pavement below. High heels, skirt way up her pleasantly brown thighs, long hair swinging in time with her hips. He did something he�d never done in his life before � he let out a long low wolf whistle. �Hey Gorgeous, fancy a drink?� She turned slowly, pivoting on those shoulder pinning legs. �In your dreams yuppie boy.� She flicked the bone elaborately at him. �Your loss Baby, your loss.� She was grinning, her wide red lips spread to reveal teeth that were clean and white. �The Red Lion, ten minutes,� she yelled up at him. Melon Breezer please, lots of ice.� �I�ll be there.� He flew into the bathroom long enough to brush his teeth and fling some after-shave around his face. He was almost out of the door when as an afterthought he ran back into the bathroom and cupped another handful of aftershave round the region of his genitals, he took time to wink at himself in the bathroom mirror. Then he was gliding down the stairs, jacket swinging nonchalantly from one shoulder, as he took the stairs three, four, five at a time. Life was good. Bloody good. " -- Cam Davis. "Thank you for taking the time and trouble to review this for me. Thanks Cam Sooz http://members.lycos.co.uk/suesimpson/" -- Sooz, Cumbria, England, Cumbria. Under The Whether by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (2) "Cameron Davis� Review: Many of the writers in this group have made some great suggestions for improvements on many of Sue Simpson�s pieces, so I�ve not felt compelled to add anything. However, I this piece I strongly feel it would do better if it were shopped to publishers as a fantasy rather than a true-life. It would be a simple matter of eliminating the few elements that relate it to modern day life, such as the van, and then you�d have an excellent fantasy. --------- Archmage Darksphere�s Review: Once again, the author leaves me in a very comfortable mood thingy. Firstly, the sentences flow , linking one event to the next Secondly, the last line is nice, as it gives a good impression, like the start of a new day, new life. ------ Aunt Rhiannon�s Review: I like this story. Very good, and sweet. The descriptions of the tree are very nice, and the story flows nicely. I think the "Let me explain" in the second paragraph should be taken out. It's the only part where the narrator speaks directly to the reader. So far nothing had ever held him in any place for long, but maybe something, somewhere, sometime would hold him steady without restraint. Some reason enough to put a peg in the wall for his keys to hang on. The foreshadowing is a little heavy here, especially for such a short story. I also couldn't decide if the painter was looking forward to settling down someday, or dreading it. Look, an acorn, and it�s only the fifteenth of August. It�s said that the Whether drops its first acorn of the year when new lovers meet. Again, this is too much in one place. Perhaps you could mention story about the acorn near the top when explaining the Whether, and then end the story with "Look, an acorn..." All in all, an excellent story! ------- Kwara�s Review: I agree with Darksphere & Aunt R, I get a wonderful feeling just reading this. Aunt's suggestion on foreshadowing the acorn part earlier in the story is a good idea. Perhaps if you had an acorn drop when Elizabeth and Jimmy meet? Or else at the beginning, when you're explaining the tree? Elizabeth wore a flattering loose cotton skirt in vivid purple and an ivory coloured top. ... The girl in the tight blue jeans stopped short with a startled �Oh� when she almost collided with the man. Is she wearing a skirt or jeans? I got a very vivid picture in your first description but was thrown off by this second sentence. �Oh, I�m Beth by the way. I'm assuming that Beth has been talking the whole time, so why are there quotation marks here and no where else? Again, excellent story. Vibrant descriptions, wonderful wording. Great job on this! " -- Cam Davis. "Thanks everybody, your reviews are greatly appreciated. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. The Video Store Girl Part 1 by David MacDonald (1) "I really liked this story, it was an intresting subject and it had a good flow to it." -- Jack. The Joker by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (2) "Ellie�s Review: Hi there, Try as I may and I really am trying, I just can't critique this piece. I don't think it fits into the "humor" category...not quite sure of what category...probably straight fiction would be more suitable for this writer's purposes. Sorry - I want to but... Lady Krazy�s Review: Cameron I think this piece was probably targeted more toward a British audience rather than an American one and that�s why we�re just not getting the humor in it. But please when you give her these reviews tell her to watch carefully those spelling and grammatical errors. Invest in a little time to proofread the piece once, twice, three times to infinity, because I couldn�t help catch little things like �ver-batum� which should be changed to �verbatim� or �geek� being capitalized for some odd reason, which made me look at the word and think Greek. I thought only the Germans capitalized all there nouns, not the English too. " -- Cam Davis. "Aaahh but even back then I did have my their and there sorted out. Thanks for the reviews, thanks Cam. http://members.lycos.co.uk/suesimpson/ " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. Sunglasses by Fergus O'Ferguson (2) "It's an often told story and a scene that has been described many times, but I've never read it done as well as that. I'd cut the begining slightly other than that brilliant. Without a doubt one of the best pieces I've read on here. 10/10 and a hot pick. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "you're too kind!! The best stories are the old ones ha ha ha" -- Fergus O'Ferguson. Scars On Scarlet by Andrea Diane Brown (3) "good luck scarlet. while not a cheerful story, I was glad to read about your ordeal with cutting and how you escaped the dark hole. keep it up!" -- sunny, DC, USA. "I am Andrea Diane Brown and I am the author of the first three stories, but I did not write "Scars on Scarlet"....what happened?????" -- Andrea. "Hola Espero que podamos contactarnos muchos saludos" -- Julio Cesar Gutierrez A., Peru, Lima, Lima. Once by Lawrence Peters (5) "I think this is a wonderful poem. It's great to be in love like that. Your character in the poem is lucky to get to have the one they love." -- Jess, Austin, Texas, United States. "I gotta say Lawry that you certainly have a gift. You never dissappoint me with your feeling and depth. Great job!" -- pix. "I've read everything that I have ever seen you submit hear and it's still amazing. Much of your writing has moved me to tears and I find it still has the power to do that I hope you never give it up you have a rare and beautiful gift and you use it well." -- Hedgehog. "I was messing on my computer today; started thinking about old friends and my mind invariably wandered to you and brought me here. I cannot even say what feelings reading this again invokes..." -- Emily, Canada. "This...never fails to remind me. Everytime I read it it brings tears to my eyes. Beautiful." -- Emily Hunter. Machines - A Short Short Tale by David B Doc Byron (1) "What else have you ripped off you little fuck? " -- Nickolaus Pacione, Joliet, IL. Life In Puerto Rico by Kelly McMonagle (1) "good story. short and sweet. i wish i was in puerto rico!" -- sunny, DC, USA. Handicapped - A Short Short Tale by David B Doc Byron (2) ""Whatever you take, I can make more." Not always, buddy. Nice job, Dirty Harry!!!" -- Jenn. "bwnicov qdeis vozrlmy icsykb wecgb shouqybd cxjqyvn" -- huacexkw wlch, xopyhwa, CA, USA. Ghost Town - Part Three by David B Doc Byron (1) "Read this the other day but had no time to append crit.' Its easy to see that your writing has improved; the story flows a lot easier, I the reader felt several elements of suspense. In all - a good read. " -- Ulysses Hero, England. Contemplation by Musau (2) "Hey M! You definately have potential but honestly man,the stuff you're putting out on this site is really horrible." -- David. "David, why have you taken such a deragotory attitude. Who put you up to this. From the looks of your comments you seem to be a very culturally deprived individual. I want to really scorn you, but the more I consider it, I find you to be a very pitiful and pathetic individual, so I feel sorry for you. But on the brighter side for me...I do have some people reading and reacting to my stuff." -- MUSAU, Los Angeles, California, USA. Chipping Away The Truth by Jonathan McCullough (1) "It's really good Jonathan. Keep it up!!" -- karen. Bio Incubus by Michael S Upchurch (2) "Wow Michael! Your style of writing is wonderful, discriptive and very real. I'm impressed!" -- Karen. "#1 Bio Incubus, an interesting choice of title. #2 Spelling and grammatical errors: I�d suggest sticking a hyphen between �bio� and �terrorist� so that it doesn�t look like such a foreign word. Its such a new word that it doesn�t even register with a spell-checker as existing. I�d also consider revising your adjective use at the opening with �up ahead.� And if you really must use the word �fuckin� then I�d suggest you suffix with a �g� or at least an apostrophe to indicate a missing suffix. #3 Opinion: Well done, the piece was actually written by someone who at the very least has the minimum requirement of schooling in Literature. #4 Suggestions: For further help visit www.WritersBBS.com." -- JA St.George. A Beautiful Thing by Ben Jonjak (2) "whoa... talk about a twist... i like it! " -- victoria. "After I've read this the only thing I can say is: Huh?" -- Steven. The Red Moon - A ''Short Short'' Tale. by David B Doc Byron (3) "Now, here's a fine example of a story that should never have been written." -- Anonymous. "wow....really bad. This story is not original at all it has been told soooo many times." -- Anonymous. "Wow, a second Anonymous. Howdy friend." -- Anonymous. No Good Bye by Rick Mantilla (1) "I am having a hard time writing this, My eyes are full of tears. A beautifully written story, about a tragedy most annimal lovers can relate to." -- mary garibay, norhtville, mi, USA. Nasal Therapy by Michael S Upchurch (1) "Often I will not review a work unless asked because I have yet to meet the writer who does not bleed at the slightest unfavorable comment. It is especially true with very young writers 15-18 year old range who up to that point have only been told who great his/her work is by his/her parents. I've seen this piece before, and resisted commenting on it, but now with a green light you will see why I did not. Review: A piece that tries very hard to be funny, but falls dramatically short, save for its unique use of cotton swabs. There were no noticable grammatical or spelling errors. The plot was set up properly, opening, center, conclusion. However the story seems to be fabricated after the author has spent the night watching "Dr. Giggles" or "The Dentist." The piece lacks the value of suspense, even that of horror, seeming only to favor mere shock. There was one continuity error and one logic error. The continuity error existed where the man, Tack, barged into the examining room errors and then apparently did it all over again for no apparent reason. This is an act sometimes done in longer stories in order to give two different points of view of the same scene, but in this story it seems completely unnecessary, like the author has somehow forgotten what he has just written. The logic error is the writer's belief that an otolaryngologist can kill a person in precisely that manner. While it is true that driving a spike into someone's ear canal can puncture the brain and possibly kill, the reader cannot suspend his belief to believe that the doctor can be working on "both" of the victim's ears at the same time." -- JA St.George. Interlude by Judith Goff (14) "Now we ride motorcycles too? Hmmmmm. I never knew that. I'm closer to immortality than I thought." -- R. Benett Okerstrom. "Yes, motorcycles ... you should really read my other novel, the one set in Ybor ... perhaps I can find a way other than posting here. Suggestions??" -- Judith. "E-mail to [email protected]" -- R. Bennett. "Your story for me was like poetry in motion, Just amazed by the way you use your words!!! I love your last two sentences so beautifully fluid, visually stimulating and emotional complete. Leaving no doubt about the inevitable end. Great writing and a delightful read. " -- Robert (Monte) Montesino, Florida, USA. "Thank you Robert ! Such praise ... am I worthy?" -- Judith, FL. "I think you are :-)" -- R. Bennett. "You do? What a nice surprise, R. Bennett (;o)...." -- Judith, FL. "You do? What a nice surprise, R. Bennett ..." -- Judith. "Whoa! I'm worthy of TWO replies?" -- R. Bennett. "Yes .... you are ....." -- Judith. "Somehow the system printed two ... but yes, you are worth it !!!" -- Judith. "I knew it!! Something way too hynpotizing about motorcycles and the men who drive them. I better be a little more careful about the men that I ride with. Good stuff Judith!" -- JM. "Make that hypnotizing. Sorry." -- JM. "Yes, JM, beware !!!! Thanks for the great review!" -- Judith. A Funny Memory by Jacqueline Anel Sheppard (1) "Nothing wrong in being short and simple. Light and refreshing I would call it and just what the Doctor ordered on a rainy wednesday morning." -- Ulysses Hero, England. Soliloquy by Judith Goff (8) "Well written, hauting, but I'm not sure of the ending. Is the 'moral of your story': careful what you search for? It would be interesting (for me anyway) if you conclusion was something more observed. But as it was, I found it an enjoyable read. " -- Iam. "Iam, thank you for your comments on Soliloquy ... as for the ending, her desperation put her in harms way, and she found "love" of quite a different nature from that which she sought. Again, thank you for the review and I am glad you enjoyed this piece." -- Judi, Tampa, FL, USA. "Enjoyed. Well thought out. As I see it: as she's searching for love so is another, and of a different sought. Downside: perhaps a touch too long. " -- Ulysses Hero, England. "Thank you, Ulysses, for reviewing Soliloquy. Happy you enjoyed it. As for the length, at only 173 words, what would you see cut? Just curious !!!!!" -- Juid, Tampa, FL, USA. "Sounds like a bad walk through Ybor City. She should have went to the Castle of Ybor City to meet someone." -- R. Bennett Okerstrom. "R. Bennett, a surprise !!! Sounds like you've been to Tampa! I have a completed novel set in Ybor(vampires!) but not sure I want to post any of it here. This one I may want to try to paper-publish, although I would love your opinion!!! Dilemma!!!!" -- Judith, USA. "I have a condo in New Port Richey. You could say that I've been to Tampa. E-mail your story to me. I'd love to read it! [email protected]" -- R. Bennett. "Blow me away yet again,pools of sanctuary against the void.we love you baby." -- Stuart Eric Longridge. Zipperhead by David B Doc Byron (5) "Similiar thematic to feverblues... You overuse words sometimes like chirping (which is repeated twice in the same sentence) and ass which can get annoying at times. The police man's language sounded unbelievable sometimes as if you were just trying to be shocking, like when he describes the state of the parrot. From what I've read of yours, you like shock subjects and suprirse (sort of) endings. I would be curious to read you trying your hand at a variation therein. Perhaps characters with strongly drawn backgrounds that explain their evil or strange tendencies. Or taking common characteristics of people and then perverting them so we all feel that we could become these people. " -- Iam. "Cool story!" -- Tomcat. "This one scared me, Doc. This is great reading before Halloween, though! Nice job!" -- Jenn. "Doc, you are a sick dude! This is fantastic! I took your advise and read this as one of your favorite shorts. I'm glad I did. It's very good." -- e. rocco caldwell. "i like reading your stories, they don't always make sense, but somehow theyre pleasing overall." -- sunny, dc, usa. Watching And Waiting by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (6) "Cool story! But what is Umpteenth? How many is that, my english is ok, but I cant figure it out. Is it ten?" -- Tomcat, Rio de J., Argentina. "Look Tomcat there's no point in asking Sooz anything. She's a total b!tch and will never respond to you." -- Anonymous. "I'm sorry Tomcat better late than never. I don't use the site very often. Umpteen is more than a few .. no deffinate number just lots. Glad you liked the story. Is there anything you'd like reviewing in return? And thank-you to my obvious fan for the kick up the bum re my manners. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "Some interesting characters you've run into in your reviews Ms. Simpson. I kind of noticed that as well in the Room For One More reviews. Don't mind the jerks, that's another reason why I love my email group over the writing sites. As I said, you should check into that. Anyways. Christy G�s Review: A few comments. Hopefully they help rather than discourage. This writer must be from a different country or something. You mentioned something about a square of material, but around here a square is a section in the center of a town. You said about a specific type of dog, but I have no idea what kind of dog that looks like, and I think it would have been better if you had just described the dog instead. Most people know what a collie or a poodle is, but not the above-mentioned dog. It would have been better if you�d said it was a short-haired or long-haired dog. She was supposed to meet someone but she needed to get out of her car, the only reason I can think of for this was the meeting area must not be close to where she parked. And why would she sit on the ground if the day was so miserable out? There was something in there about fishermen that I also didn�t understand. When I saw the word windscreen it made me think widescreen tv. What is a head tarn? Perhaps the person she was to meet had something to do with her mother�s? sister�s? I forget which, death, I don�t know. Was it really necessary to give a play list of everything that was on the radio? When she�s at her little picnic of one, would a real person really have this kind of stuff to prepare a meal outside? �It was cold. The air was still, and leaves on the trees were silent and motionless. No wind disturbed them. It was a cold, calm night.� Here you say the same thing over again. I know it�s intended for emphasis, but in modern literature repeating yourself over again such as �It was cold� and then �It was cold,� should be avoided." -- Cam Davis. "Some good points thank you. Thanks Cam. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "I like your stories,Mrs Sue.I am a chinese boy,I had translated your stories"You are my sunshine"and"One man race"into chinese,and they have been published on two chinese magazines,I like them very much,very touching.If you allow me,could you send your other stories to me?I would like to introduce them to chinese people,thanks.my email is sunkaiyuan33 yahoo dot com cn" -- [email protected]. Tusk by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (10) "Ms. Simpsom A powerful and poignant story here! Your ending gave me chills effectively making your point! The contrast bettween a childs gift and the ecological price paid leaves your readers with a thought provoking and moving story that is well very well written. I am looking forward to reading and learning more from you! Good Job!!!" -- Monte, USA. "Wonderfully well written. I thought that the end was too obvious from the beginning but I don't know how you could have hidden it more. Have you tried your hand at the publishing market? " -- iam. "Look Iam, Sooz is a total b!tch and will never respond to your question. Sorry but that's just the kind of person she is." -- Anonymous. "Sorry Iam, I don't think I ever intended this to come as much of a surprise, but I agree it would be better if the reveal could have been hidden.Yep I've tried the market and failed lots, I think I'll just stick to buying my veg at the market in future. Thanks for the review is there anything I can do for oyu in return. I don't come onto the site very often but if you rply I'll pick it up eventually. Sooz :-)" -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "Thanks Monte. This is something I feel quite strongly about. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "Completely off topic again, but I just think it's cool that this is called Tusk, and I'm currently in one big honking tusk in the J'Nanin Age of Myst III EX/LE." -- Mystical Chicken. "So that's why you're called Mystical Chicken, Mystical Chicken. It's "Myst"ical Chicken. Ok I get it." -- Lora. "Chicken has been my nickname since I can remember, and people affectionately refer to me as it. In the '90s when the first Myst came out I kind of got addicted to it, and hence the name Mystical Chicken was born." -- Mystical Chicken. "Mystical Chicken??? Anywho! Muzzle Flash�s Review: Tusk Sue (Sooz) Simpson The brown paper package was hand delivered to Miss Lucy Sanders, aged 8, of Fourteen ***You can use digits for certain numbers like dates, times, and addresses*** Littlewood Park, early on that ***Go through and ax every occurrence of �that�. The read back through and put the word �that� back in only where the sense fails to make sense without it. You may find that you can no longer locate the places where you originally placed �thats� because they are so unnecessary in many cases.*** Thursday morning. Eight thousand miles away, a lone scream rent the scrublands and the animals fell silent. Lucy�s ***I noticed you failed to use an apostrophe for possessive case in a few of your other pieces. Here you have done so, that is good.*** eyes shone with excitement. She held onto the package reverently, savouring ***savoring*** the moment when the wondrous mystery that this gift was became a precious joy of discovery. This was her birthday present from Daddy, who was working for three months in the company�s office in Cape Town. Lucy was sad that her dad would miss her party, but she knew that he would have sent her something even more lovely than Tour Guide Barbie. ***Perhaps a TM symbol is warranted here. Check with Mattel.*** ***Interesting juxtaposition between girl and jungle scene. I wonder what this will culminate into?*** This one was mad. Damned mad. His ears flapped furiously and his trunk was raised and held before him. He thundered through the thickets and in to the waiting firing squad of the poachers in the clearing. The second scream of fury and indignation caused the adrenaline to rise along with the hairs on the back of the poacher�s necks. An angry bull elephant is a large target but he�s also an unpredictable force that may take several shots before he goes down. They were in this for money, not for any reason of sport, but every man there felt his balls tighten ***It feels wrong to use this specific image in this story.*** and his heart race as the beast blundered on towards him.***You have once again switched tenses.*** Carefully Lucy tore off the brown paper packaging. Her hands wanted to rip at the paper savagely to get to the surprise within, but her mind urged her to extend this moment of pure pleasure to make it last as long as possible. She squealed in delight as she saw the brightly coloured ***colored*** birthday paper beneath the dull brown topcoat which she had discarded. The gift tag read simply �To my Lucy, Happy Birthday Sweetheart All my love Dad XXX ***I�d reconsider, perhaps XOX or even OXO to indicate hugs and kisses. Using a triple X could easily confuse people into believing it is pornography.***� Under its thick layer of paper the gift was rectangular and about twelve inches long by eight wide by six deep, and it was hard. ***From the measurements described it could be shoes, which in many cases are hard.*** Not something to wear then. Her mind raced ahead to what the gift might be. The first shot hit the elephant square in the chest. The velocity and high calibre ***caliber***of the bullet carried it through the thick protective skin. Once through the tough hide it smoothed through the tender flesh and muscle like a hot iron through solder. It found its home and nestled comfortably in the amorphous mass of the elephant�s right lung. It stopped him dead. ***If it stopped him dead he wouldn�t be doing much bellowing since he would be dead.*** He bellowed in agony and anger, but he didn�t go down. Instead he lowered his huge head and shook it mournfully. His body wracked and convulsed as he coughed and the pressure forced a rivulet of bright, veinous ***venous*** blood through the ruin of his chest. The spasm passed and still he stood, confused but steady. The men smelt ***To �smelt� is the act of liquidating metal. You mean �smelled�*** the stench of their own fear mingled with the rancid stale sweat. They knew the bull was at his most dangerous. More shots tore into the elephant but the men in their panic fired wild and high. The air whistled with the tuneless whiz of liberated bullets, and the few that hit their mark did little more than bank the fire of fury in the beast. His head swayed as he followed the sound of the bullets that went wide; he was ready to charge but seemed confused as to where the barrage of agony was coming from. �Flatten� shouted one of the poachers, and the men lay prone on the floor, ***They are either in the jungle or on the savannah, so there�s not much chance of a �floor� being there. You may have meant ground or surface.*** making their bodies as flat and as still as possible. The elephant scanned the scrub that had partially hidden the men who were attacking him. His eyes peered at the three-foot level that they had been crouched to ***Reword this sentence*** . His attackers had vanished, and yet he could smell them. Confused and addled ***These two words mean virtually the same thing, so ax one.*** with pain, he lurched forward anyway. The men resisted the urge to get up and run, forcing their bodies to remain still no matter what their impulses ordered them to do. They were seasoned ivory hunters and they knew that an elephant runs six miles faster than the fastest human; not dramatically faster but odds that were not in their favour ***favor***. The elephant passed within eight feet of the closest man. He was fading rapidly now, his mind furring and shadows eclipsing his retinas until he finally fell, shaking the plains and sending birds screeching from their roost. As the light of life left his eyes the poachers were already advancing on him with their knives drawn. The precious tusks were gored from the animals face *** I have the sneaking suspicion the gift for Lucy is an ivory sculpture.*** and his feet were sawn free; his eyes, tail and huge ear flaps were all ripped from the warm carcass and then the first vultures moved away, leaving easy access for the second guard. ***It�s a nice touch referring to the poachers, metaphorically as vultures.*** Three hours later and a young bull calf stood dejectedly by his mother�s lifeless body. She had no valuable ivory to give, only her feet for waste paper baskets and her ears, eyes and tail for gory souvenirs. The brave young bull had rushed the men, barging into them and snorting furiously in his high pitched ***high-pitched*** trumpet, but the men had laughed and jeered at him. They pushed him back out of the way as they used their steel blades to rape his mother�s body and take her wares before following the herd to mark their next victim. Lucy�s eyes widened in delight. Her mother smiled as she saw the joy spreading over her daughter�s happy face. The little girl ran her finger lightly over the pretty jewellery ***jewelry*** box. The waxed mahogany was warm to the touch as though it still lived, contrasting with the cool finish of the gleaming mother of pearl inlay. The mother of pearl itself contrasted in turn with the rougher texture of the creamy flat ivory. She opened the box and gasped at the beauty of the soft padding that was the exact colour ***color*** of bright veinous ***venous*** blood, but Lucy saw only luscious red velvet that would soon show off her trinkets and treasures to their best advantage. The child was in rapture. Eight thousand miles away, a lone scream rent the scrublands and the animals fell silent. ***Well told story.*** " -- Cam Davis. "Thanks, I cringe at some of those typo's now. Sooz " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. Tiny Pink Pills by Sunny (1) " Do us all a favor,you need to take the whole bottle at once ! You are like a slug that is under the grinding sole of my shoe. You really need to find something else to do, because you can't write !" -- wendle, cleveland, Ohio. The Weapon Of Hope by Jeffrey (George) Winter (4) "Your writing always makes me think, sometimes about what you've written trying to make sure that I understand it, and sometimes thinking about things in my own life that your words have brought to the front of my mind. My cousin had four children all brought up equally, all given the same chances and oppertunities. Three of them have done well one of them, My cousin David turned to drugs. David was murdered last Christmas when someone he owned money to cut his drugs with warferin. To everyone else Dave was scum, a useless no-good junkie, to us he was 'our Dave' and we loved him. The man who murdered him got four years. If he had murdered someone who wasn't an addict would he have got a longer sentence? One more junkie off the streets, maybe he should have been rewarded. Your piece made me think about this. I don't think Dave cared much about sparrows,though I know he would never have hurt one. But he knew the value of a coin. Thank-you." -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "Sooz, I appreciate your response(s). I've learned that as many as will read such writing and think, there are just as many who will dismiss it. Which is fine. But which makes those who read and think, and even re-think, all the more valued even if they disagree. Life, I guess, is best understood with feedback. As for sparrows and coins and such things, my deepest regrets over your cousin David's death. That you know he would never hurt one (sparrow) indicates that somwhere inside he knew the value of the most important thing: mercy. Both received and shared. That is what matters. That knowledge too puts everything in perpective, coins, sparrows and all else. My thoughts and prayers remain with you, David and his immediate family. Regards. " -- Jeff. "Hi Jeff, Like this one, too, you must have some experience with grief counselling, as do I, to be able to express those thoughts so fluidly and not superficialy. Grief does indeed overwhelm the strongest and the bravest, but hope also matches grief's intensity." -- Shelley, Fullerton, California, USA. "Very well written and thought provoking! Love your style." -- Carmen Gamble, Canada. The Sacred Cup by Francis James Chudley (7) "Hello again, Francis. First off, this isn't some paltry "This is the best (or worst) story ever!" review, where someone says a few words and his done with it. This is an actual critique, so if you only want to hear glowing things about your work, then read no further than this, and just know that someone actually took the time to read it. Second, if you do read this review, which you in fact begged for, then no that I don't know you, so this should not be taken as some personal insult, should you for whatever reason regard it to be; this review reflects solely upon the capacity of the writer and the written work. Third, no complaining about this review. I�m doing it as a free service so I don�t want to hear any whining, such as �I�m the best writer ever! How dare you point out my flaws and make suggestions for improvement! I only wanted you to look so you could tell me how great I am! I don�t require any actual help! Who are �YOU� to be telling �ME� what to do?� I�m not saying you will do that, but I am saying I�ve heard it before from those newly acquainted with writing literature, whether it be a twelve-year-old boy in Nevada, or an eighty-year-old grandmother who has just picked up the pen for the first time, and yes I�ve also heard it from a few ole hacks. So just keep your eyes and ears open, and maybe you�ll learn something. Remember, I�m trying to �help� you, so I have the right to be as patronizing as I want to be, and be thankful, because this may be the only review you may ever receive; this being Storymania and all. A step-by-step analysis of your piece as a whole reveals that your title �The Sacred Cup� is an original one and a good title in general. It fits this piece, and reveals just enough. However there may be unintended reference to the Cup of the Eucharist/Holy Grail by some readers who are unaware of the story contained within. That�s the pro and con of this title, but I see no reason to change it. As I said, it is a unique title, which is what you need to separate your story from a host of others, after all you don�t want to have �yet another� �Ghost Ship� or �Fear.� 2. Your name, Francis James Chudley, is good for writing checks and communicating with friends, but for a writer it just doesn�t have the right ring to it. Strictly for when you are writing, I might suggest transposing the �Francis� and �James� in your name, in order to give yourself and your work a stronger English presence. To me, James Francis Chudley, sounds like one of the greatest English writers of all time, whereas, Francis James Chudley, sounds like an eight-year-old boy, with blond curls, rosy cheeks, and a sailor suit. Something to consider, if you intend to pursue literature as an adult. 3. Storymania does you the favor of listing your title at the heading of your story, so there is no need to duplicate it, because we already know it is the �Sacred Cup.� 4. �Lippin� isn�t a name that I personally would have chosen, but hey, it�s your story and that�s up to you. 5. 30m, 20, 10,5, 4, 3, 2���. This is a common mistake among amateur writers. You intended all these periods to be a sort of �trailing off� if you will, but instead you got a literary mess. Even if you were to have used three periods a.k.a. an ellipses it still wouldn�t be correct. An ellipses indicates missing word(s) �� give me liberty or give me death.� What you want is a simple dash ��� to indicate a pause or a break in sentence �the point where the audience holds their collective breath.� 6. What follows is this: Cock-a-doodle-do; Cock-a-doodle-do. Granted, this must go on this next line after the dash ��� but there is no reason to center it, or double space it off from the rest of the text. If you�d like it all by its lonesome on one line that�s one thing, but you don�t have to treat a rooster crowing as royalty, it really isn�t all that important despite the �surprise� you intend with it. Also, I have a personal distaste with writing out noises, i.e.: The cup suddenly hit the floor and went, �Bang, crash, ringa ding dong� or The cow suddenly said, �Moo.� The cow mooed will do just fine. My point is, rather than cockadoodledooing your audience, just �surprise� them with �the rooster crowed� or �his mother called� or hell, �the alarm went off.� 7. Spelling and grammar: Change �cosy� to �cozy,� and don�t give me any �That�s how WE British do it. I don�t care, it�s not right. �Appetising� to �appetizing.� �Realised� to �realized.� Since we�re on common British misspellings, I should also point out that I didn�t see any use of the word �colour,� but that�s the only one I�ll accept because it has a slight differentiation with its sister �color.� �Armour� is an acceptable variation on �armor,� however �honour� instead of �honor� doesn�t even look right, and is one letter l-o-n-g-e-r. �Lippin sighed with relief, it was only a bad dream.� This is a mistake made by even professionals, instead of �relief, it� it needs to be �relief; it.� The reason for the switch between comma to semi-colon is because �Lippin sighed with relief� is a complete thought, worthy of a period no less, and since �it was only a bad dream� is tacked on, hence the semi-colon. � it's only Raithrin wearing his invisibility boots�. Two problems, one is unnecessary space between opening quotation mark and first word, and two is that it should be capitalized since it begins a new sentence. ��Quillin wake up,� said Lippin anxiously as he shaked Quillin.�� No such word as �shaked;� not even in jolly ole England, so don�t give me that excuse. Change the word to �shook.� �Pyjamas� to �pajamas� or �pjs.� ��What do you want then.� Said Raithrin.� ????Question mark, for a question. ��Now get some rest� said Raithrin tiredly.� A comma is neglected between the end of the quote and the beginning of the exposition. �It was a magnificent spear, it had belonged to Lippin�s dad and his dad before that.� Same problem as with the �Lippin sighed with relief�� sentence, where there is a comma instead of a semi-colon. �� How much further is it� moaned Quillin. �Can�t be far now� Lippin gasped.� Yet another question without a question mark, followed directly by another quote without any punctuation marks. If the first sentence is intended to be a rhetorical question, instead of a question, then it needs a comma, if you don�t want to use a question mark, and the second quote absolutely needs a comma. �� Alright then, just don�t take long.� agreed Quillin grumpily.� Some might argue that �Alright� and �grumpily� aren�t real words, but my beef with this sentence is that you placed in it a period where you need a comma. If you�re going to end the sentence with the quote, then you need to begin a new sentence with �agreed� and phrase it differently. It would be much easier to change the period to a comma. . �� Quick Quillin distract it� cried Lippin.� Unnecessary space, and no comma. �Mesmerised� to �mesmerized.� �Well well well� to �Well, well, well.� ��We have to escape, otherwise we�re going to lose our heads Lippins said fearfully.� Why did his name mysteriously change? ��Do you have any last requests� the executioner asked.� Question mark. �5,4,3,2,1��..� Same mistake as you made with the opening, with these trailing periods. �Lippin grabbed Quillins hand�� Add an apostrophe for poor Quillin�s hand. �He led them to this door which�� Change to �door, which� or �door that.� ��There�s three of us though� Lippin laughed.� Comma. �Gobldegoop.� Perhaps you meant �gobbledygook,� but it�s your fish and you can name it whatever you darn well please. ��C�mon Lippin, I went through the very same changes forty years ago and nothing bad happened to Me.� said an old voice from the corner.� A small word of advice with the capitalization of the word �Me� in the sentence, would be that if you want to stress it, use an underscore, or better yet italics. �Travelled� One �l� not two. �Dwarves� to �Dwarfs�.� �They would have to rescue the princess now or it might be to late.� Simple change of �to� to �to.� �Lippin grabbed Hinchpin and shouted �follow me�.� A few mistakes here: No comma to transition from exposition to quote, end-quote period placed after the end-quotation mark instead of before, and when a character is shouting it is ok to use an exclamation mark, because I�ve never heard �anyone� shout who wasn�t excited about something. �� His eyes are his weakness� the sword whispered.� Unnecessary space, and absent comma. �Hinchpins wail� The wail belongs to Hinchpin, whether he wants it or not, so use an apostrophe. �Ralencias chains� The chains belong to Ralencia, whether he wants them or not, so use an apostrophe. �There was blood all over the floor and the was a large gash in Hinchpin stomach� Change to �and there was� as well as �Hinchpin�s stomach.� �Hinchpin was rolling around on the floor screaming in pain..� Dual periods? �Wolfgar side-stepped� It�s been a few centuries since it was necessary to place a hyphen in �sidestepped,� anymore than you need to call a �typewriter� a �type-writer.� 8. Suggestions: Bone up on your spelling and grammar, especially the latter, since there is no excuse for things like forgotten commas. It is acceptable in a rough draft, but if you are presenting to an educated audience prepare to have your head taken off by a lot worse than me. Read American works, as well as English ones, and throw in a diet of French, Indian, Albanian, whatever. Basically don�t stick to a strict diet of Tolkien, who I consider to have written for children not adults. Ursula K. LeGuin would for instance be a much better example of a grand mistress writer of adult fantasy fiction. However if you find yourself leaning toward wanting to write for the munchkin-set then you will need formal education in children/young adult�s literature where you may be forced to use a bit more discipline when it comes to the violence and gore of a story. 9. My opinions regarding the work as a whole: It�s nothing I haven�t seen before. No new ground is covered, and many of the themes running throughout have been played to death such as the farm-boy hero, the princess rescue, the singing sword, etc. These themes are quite traditional and flogged to death from the �Black Cauldron� to �Star Wars.� The author still seems unfamiliar with prose, and has not yet come into his own, so to speak, still preferring to emulate other author�s or unable yet to forge his own path. Also, the author is relegated to mostly telling a story, rather than showing it, but it is evident that the author�s ability for storytelling is there since the story is not a recycled one, with merely new names, and does have a cohesive quality throughout. With script-doctoring and/or university experience, I could see this author achieving recognition. " -- JA St.George. "Yhanks for the review JA St.George I willm make the improvements you said. Iv'e already changed my name." -- James Francis Chudley. "I agree comploetly with what first reveiwer said, accept for part about being seeeen before. Its nothing Ive seen before, but then I haven't read much. Revew my work Now, ok?" -- Tomcat . "read your sacred cup. good stuff. Ill be sending along another installment of the Wildwood next week doc" -- david doc byron, vincennes, us, ind. "Yammeh is teh 0wnage :-)" -- Dark-Strider, DOWN SOUF :-), ENGLAND. "very good :�) you obviously hav a flair for writing of this nature and this shines through in this delightful piece!! www.elzzup.me.uk y'all! " -- Yam, NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE, TYNE AND WEAR, UK. "Ehmm..m. Sehr gut Seite! Ich sage innig..!:) bmw" -- BMW, ..., ..., .... Strawman by David B Doc Byron (5) "Double cool story!" -- Tomcat, Rio de J., Argentina. "A brilliant story with some brilliant descriptions, I could totally see the scarecrow and felt what he was going through. I do have a couple of gripes tho after all it is constructive critisism LOL. Just that a few bits were to corny like: But, then again, he was already dead. At least on the outside. But then again, isnt that always the way it goes? A heart of gold on the inside, but nobody ever sees that. I didnt think it needed that cus its sort of going away from the speed a fluency of the story. Also if you took oput the swearing it could almost be a childrens story like a fable it reminds me of the grousome childrens tales that Rohld dhal used to right, excellent buddy keep up the good work. " -- L A Winterburn. "I loved it! Thought it was brilliant as well. I do agree with LAW that without the cursing it would make a lovely children's story. Consider that?" -- Karen. "Very nice,vivid story.It kinda reminds me of a bedtime story." -- danielle. "excellent! Doc, you are simply the best! " -- e. rocco caldwell. Slug Jam For Grown-Ups by Rowan Davies (3) "That was scary (and you did your research I can see) it makes you wonder if all good girls are really good girls inside. I fear for my family *evil smile*. J/K :). Did I mention that it was positively frightening? So was Graham really 15, or just acting like it?" -- Julissa Gayle Raven. "I'm glad you liked it. I tend to go through swings of morbidity (check the author description, I'm in one now! ;) and this was definitely one of them. Check out some of my other work if you liked this, esp. 'Celebrating Life', my latest concoction, although as the title declares, I was in a rather good mood when I wrote it. Oh well, roll on 'Celebrating Death'." -- Rowan Davies (Author). "Oh, and Graham was really 15. Some guys eh?" -- Rowan Davies (Author). Redemption Part 0ne by David B Doc Byron (1) "Hey Doc ... Do you really think people consider your work amatuerish??? Can't for the life of me figure that one out !!! Me thinks it's a little of the green-eyed monster rearing its ugly head !!!!!" -- Judith Goff. Our Friend Steven by John J Yezman (2) "Great story! A good piece... and the wording let me breathe easier. Very well put together! Made me feel I was there." -- Jackie, Califronia. "This Story is great, once I started to read it I could not stop. This piece has so much emotion and realism it has to be based on a real life incident. This story would make a great movie, Jerry Ganza" -- Jerry Ganza, Chicago, IL. Milk by Robert Hansford (3) "I am filled with terror." -- Wolfa. "This is an interesting look at a wierd family, but it seemed a bit open-ended. do you intend to continue with it? To me it read like the middle of something, it didn't seem to have a begining or end, but I found the middle interesting, and I almost laughed at the thought of the narrator's father's tests. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. "I agree that it feels incomplete. Also, I wonder if you could have some more original 'weirdness'. People getting anal probes from aliens and semi-religious Elvis followers are almost normal weirdness. I really liked the last paragraph about the older brothers - very believable. " -- Iam. Meat by David B Doc Byron (2) "Such a sad story but keeps us guessing clear till the end... just haunting!" -- Travis. "I dont know what to say. That was so sad and horrible. Shit like that happens though. I know this family who about a year ago lost their little 3 year old girl because a delivery man backed over her in the drive way after leaving a package. Always look...always look." -- Michelle. Losing Control by Alicia Jones (2) "WOW! Lisa that was great! I didn't know you had such a good talent but hopefully you'll continue to share it with the world! " -- Carlette Jeffries, Richmond, VA. "I really enjoyed this story, the wording was very vivid, some parts of the story was very emotional. Very good Licia. Tricia" -- Patricia Taylor, Richmond, VA. Hannibal, Revisited by David B Doc Byron (4) "Mate that is freeky but shit funny LOL" -- Lee`. "Absolute shite." -- Mick Harvey, England. "O.................................K" -- Karen. "very interesting,leaves me wanting more." -- shannon, claremore, ok, usa. Grandma's Garden by Ken Whan (1) "not perfect...but a pleasure to read....both for the content and the pictures it brought to mind." -- sunny, DC, USA. Go To Sleep by Michael S Upchurch (3) ""great story"" -- john smith. "great story" -- pochahontas. "You're lucky, not many people have early American figures review his/her work. Anyhow, this is a very poetic piece, especially the opening, which really captures the story. It's poetic without being pompous, which is an error with most poets of the modern age. A few corrections: "long term" should be hyphenated. You "lay" something down, you "lie" yourself down. Hemorages should be hemorrhages." -- JA St.George. Freakazoid by David B Doc Byron (1) "I think this is written pretty well, and hits at the motive behind his father's hate for his son's profession, but it could be drawn out more. Plain evilness or undefined anger are less interesting than craftily drawn insecurities and pecularities. It would only take a couple lines of explanation to make it more powerful. Also, no need to capitalize DEAD." -- Iam. Frankenstien by David B Doc Byron (2) "Very good! I really enjoyed this one. Nice twist at the end. There are some major problems with the writing though. You're having alot of trouble with past and present tense. You go back and forth so much I'm not going to try pointing out where. What's up with some quotation marks for your dialogue? - Each time he opened his mouth in the form of a rictus(what's rictus, i couldn't find it in the dictionary?) of a cannabalistic smile, he gave me the creeps anyway. - sentence doesn't make sense. Other the problem with past and present tense, which you can easily fix, this is a very strong piece, much better than the last one i read." -- Michael Upchurch, atlanta, ga, usa. "I agree with the previous reviewer. You not only have tense problems, you have other grammar and diction problems as well. Slang in dialogue should not necessarily allow you to ignore good grammar elsewhere. You ideas and story line are ok. But for christ's sake! Like quite a few other writers on this site, have you no sense of respect for story titles? How can you possibly take a legendary title, one of the great classic masterpieces of all time, and just drop it into the title of one of your little amateurish stories. If you think enough of your stories to post them, at least take the time to develop original titles for them. Although your writing does show promise, this hokey title business is evidence of your immaturity. " -- Richard. Feverblues by David B Doc Byron (1) "Very good writing, characters believable, but the situation was a bit puzzling. I was fine with them driven to eating human meat, but only in the absence of animals and anything that would kill them would presumedly do the same to people. It would work better on a spaceship or some isolated place, or with some explanation like they just left a shelter to find a world devoid of life." -- Iam. Devo-1959 by David B Doc Byron (1) "Cute. I take it that Devo created Robo... otherwise it doesn't make sense, because by the way that pops is talking, he invented robots. Some other minor grammar problems: you change from past to present tense in the first paragraph. I like the story written in present tense as you have done with most of it. 'neon light like eyes' can just be neon eyes. 'He calls his creator pops' - this is obvious. 'Pops heart seems to be beating' - first of all it should read 'pop's heart'. Also, and this is a stylistic thing, especially with a short, snappy story like this, there is no reason to use words like 'seem'. They feel and do things not seem to be feeling or doing things. 'non-chalantly' is one word without the hyphen. ',hes' sweating bullets' should be a separate sentence, as well as the problem with 'he's'. There were other minor things that could be tweaked as well. I've read other stories of yours, and generally they are more polished. I think this one could be proofread again. Still, it was fun reading." -- Iam. Champagne Secrets by Sassy Writer (1) "This is proof that words create a better image then images, this is a very sensual poem that seems to take the heightof everyone who reads it. Fabulous peice and beautifully written." -- Chloe. Bloody Retribution by Rowan Davies (4) "Slightly reminiscent or my doomed 'When the Blood runs Cold' (Jack sheds a few tears) but I'm not the kind of guy to hold grudges. I know nothing of anatomy but I'll guess the knife thing (now talking like the old advisor) was a load of crap and couldn't be done with force, or some other crap. Probably can for all I know." -- Jack Brown. "Really good, I liked it lots, very expressive, and I could tell that he was enjoying, it and I saw all the gore. (pretty long knife) but I wanted to know is there a continuation? It seems like it." -- Julissa Gayle Raven, USA. "Hey, thanks for reviewing some -actually, rather a lot- of my stuff. I did start on a continuation but it became kinda tacky so I left it at that. My latest unfinished story should deliver though, in all its *ahem* razor swallowing glory. heh heh" -- Rowan Davies. "Emotional and hard hitting, immediately engaging.Maybe a sequel, 'The tourtured 'what have I done?' scenario? " -- J L Watts, Bath/Swindon. Ant's Fortune by Michael S Upchurch (1) "Not a truly spectacular short story, best to just show it around to friends and not waste postage sending it to publishers. Anyhow, �this is really nice.� Needs to be changed to a capital. �All of the ants, dumbas-�� There�s a problem here. An ellipse indicates that words are missing, whereas a dash indicates that the speaker has either trailed off, or has been cut off. You cannot use both, but if you were attempting to use a dash, you used a hyphen instead." -- JA St.George. Another Dead Weekend by David B Doc Byron (4) "Very interesting, but I can't say i like it very much. It didn't hold my interest and seemed pointless. I guess the point is you're going to sit on your house now and shoot at this town full of criminals. -clotheline wire by its(not it's) collar - -cheap, diarrhea inducing beer- is just a terrible description. -like a possum eating a shit sandwhich- once again, simile or descriptions involving fecal matter make me won't to stop reading. I don't think possums eat shit either and if they do, i doubt if they're smiling. " -- Michael Upchurch. "I'm not sure where you're going with this one. People are bad? They deserve to be shot at? I think you should develop your main character more, and use a subtler way of bringing him to the climax of wanting to shoot people - more ominious, less obvious. Why would a bartender shot his own bar up? I've lived in bad neighborhoods and they don't generally do this. Is this story set in a special time or place? " -- Iam. "Pointless... totally pointless." -- Crit. "hey doc, i liked this story. sure there's a lot of profanity and negative emotion, but not everything can be cuddly and nice. the main thing was it flowed well and you didn't try to make a novel out of it. nice read, keep it up! free_love98 yahoo com" -- sunny, dc, dc, usa. Abra Cadaver by David B Doc Byron (2) "Boy, you are a sick puppy!! I mean that in a nice way. :) Good story. I hope you're the guy from the library. M.A." -- Mary Ann, the librarian......, vincennes, in.. "2nd that, another disturbing story, but beautifully crafted....u definitely caught my attention....and Mary Ann, the librarian 8-> sure seems to like you" -- sunny, washington, dc, usa. Go to page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 |
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