www.storymania.com |
Short Stories - Reviews |
|||
|
Short Stories Reviews |
Missing - A Short Story by Steven Gilbreath (1) "I don't like the ending. It's no good at all. Sorry but that is just my opinion. " -- Husam. The Man Who Walked Unseen by Michael Harris (19) "Well written 'Invisible Man' style story. Shame about the ending. I felt it needed a reason for him being invisible, however trivial." -- Jack Brown. "Hey, thanks for the review! Sorry about the ending I guess. But I felt that his insanity was reason enough...Oh well." -- Michael. "Here's an idea: Bartleby continues living until he is so distraut that he commits suicide. Then the doctors and police guys find the body and the reader realises that he was only invisible because he was ignored. Sorry to put such an idea across but I think that this twist could really help it." -- Jack Brown. "I agree with Jack Brown about this being an 'invisible man' style story. But the invisible man wasn't into frozen food. I don't think anyway." -- Steven T. "I agree that the man's invisibility needs an explanation. His insanity might be a good enough reason, but you never mention it in the story. Have you read "Neverwhere" by Neil Gaiman? It might give you a few good ideas. Best wishes!" -- Ivana. "...But there was an explanation, he wasn't really invisible. He's been ostracized his entire life and because of that he suffers from insanity. And I didn't mention that he was insane in the story because I wanted the reader to get it. I guess I didn't convey it good enough. Thanks for the review, Ivana. And would this chance to be Ivana Milokevic? " -- Michael. "Milakovic." -- JA St. George. "The problem is that he doesn't look insane, just a bit lost, and we all feel lost and invisible sometimes. Well, at least most of us do. And yes, it's me. To St. George: thanks for the correction. :)" -- Ivana. "Good story you've got started here Michael. I'd love a chance to critique it on the BBS forum, because I can do an even better looking job of critiquing there than I did for the Caged Introvert. Hi, I was just checking in on you to see how well you've been doing. And being the curious fellow that I am I was also wondering if you had ever gotten a chance to monitor the Writing From a Faith Perspective forum, or if we might've scared you off before you had a chance to see what that forum offered. Anyways which you the best in writing, and all else Michael." -- JA St. George. "Oops, that should be "wish you the best..." Remember if there's anything I can do for you, or you need something made clear, or you just want to "lurk" on the site, and take it all in, then don't hesitate to ask. I'm here, and I'm ready, willing, and able to help. If you respond and I fail to see it within a few days, then feel free to contact me directly at [email protected]. I believe in your writing Michael, and I do want to see it flourish. " -- JA St. George. "Hey, thanks for the review, JA! And it's nice to hear that you believe in my writing. I think I'll post this story on the bbs forum to see what they think of it. In terms of me visiting the faith based forum, I actually haven't got around to it. But after I post this story, I'll check it out. Thanks again." -- Michael Harris, Detroit. "I'd suggest placing this story in the Writing From a Faith Perspective Forum rather than the Fiction Forum, because that way it would be more specifically tailored to the audience you wish to reach, as well as receive reviews from. Of course you are not restricted from posting in any forum where the story could fit, I just wouldn't want you to be disappointed by those who might be disinterested and who may skip over your work. I can at least guarantee you you one critique of this piece if you place it in the Faith Forum. Once again, you can skip there directly via http://www.writersbbs.com/bbs3/forum.cgi?forum=religious_h I'll even introduce you to the other members if you'd like." -- JA St. George. "Hi there Michael, just came from the BBS. I saw you already had posted in the Fiction Critique Forum, so I wish you the best of luck. I also saw you had posted in the Religion/Philosophy Forum, and although by all means you can post wherever you want, I had been referring to the Writing From a Faith Perspective Forum which is much lower on the Main Menu screen. It's okay, no harm has been done, I just felt WFAF Perspective Forum might be more to your liking, and I understand how some of the forums may seem a little redundant. You "can" post work in the Writing From a Faith Perspective, but just be sure not to post work in the Religion/Philosophy Forum, because I haven't gotten any permission for that. Just follow the link above to make sure you get into the right forum for posting work. Best of fortune. " -- JA St. George. "Well done... Brilliant. I don�t know what all these other reviews are talking about. And I�m thoroughly please that you spent all that time reading/reviewing my stories. "It was blind to him, as blind as he was to everybody else." --Very nice, clever line. I did pick up the insanity and noticed the dynamic character changing as well. Very well done." -- ryan severud. "Hey, thanks a mil Ryan! Your comments were greatly appreciated. Take care." -- Michael, Detroit. "Fantastic, subtle piece. I loved the way you integrated the history of the man's condition in an interesting and quirky way. Excellent. By the way thanks for your help with editing my work." -- La Longue Carabine. "Hey, thanks for the review, buddy. It was most appreciated." -- Michael , Detroit. "Hi !!! Today has bought mangosteen and has understood that knowingly in Asia, the mangosteen fruit is known as the " Queen of Fruits. " It is really tasty fruit which possesses set useful qualities. Mangosteen Fruit and Juice - scientific research and info about the anti-inflamatory anti-oxidant power of Xanthone-rich mangosteen fruit. I recommend all! Who wishes to buy or learn more address in mangosteen shop!" -- AlexMenT, Boston, 60, USA. "Mr. Harris, Are you aware that at least three of your stories have been plagiarized by David Boyer/David Byron? You are one of many victims of this man. I'd appreciate it if you'd drop me a note. My email address is b.thoughtful at gmail.com" -- B. Salvation by Krige Van Rensburg (4) "Hey, Krige! I'm glad to finally meet another South African writer. Listen, first I need to know if you know of any South African writers' groups on the Internet? I live in London, and I'd really, really love some of my own people to read my stories. So, if you know of any sites, could I have the address? Anyway, about the story. First off, let me start by saying that this is not my kind of story, so I don't think my opinion will be much good to you--just remember that whatever I think, is only my opinion. For every reader that loves Stephen King, there is another who dislikes him. Okay, here goes... I like horror stories, and all of them start with something to draw you in, say a murder or something like that. Yours, being a totally different kind of story, didn't draw me in from the start (again, that is just my taste, and it means nothing to you). I thought the writing was well done. How long have you been writing for? One thing, though: each time you had a 'he said' or 'she said' you attached some action to it, as in 'he said and moved to the corner, or she said and combed her hair'. To me, I felt it was a little repetitive. Also, how did he know from the start that the burn mark on her back was from an iron? It seemed a little to unrealistic, especially the way the mother told him not to be a hero--again, I'm not trying to insult you. I'm just telling you what I thought of it. I did, however, feel sorry for the little girl, and that made me read further, so well done for that. Overall, I thought it was good. Listen, I'm more than willing to read anything else you have, and I'd love you to read what I've written, simply because I want more South African people to read my work. Don't bother reading what I've posted here--this is all stuff I wrote when I started writing two years ago, and it's stuff I'm never going to have published, so I posted to see if other people pick up on what I've noticed is wrong with it. Anyway, e-mail me at work if you want me to read anymore of your stuff. In exchange for your opinion on my stuff, I promise to give you an honest review, but if your other stuff is the same genre as this, maybe I'll be of more use as a proof reader, not a critic.I won't be at work until the 14th of January, so don't send the e-mail until then. Hope this helps. My address is [email protected]" -- Robert Bell. "Well here i am again reading your story. Soty to hear about your staffie. Now that is something i did not know about you. It must have traumatized you to such an extent it made your penis shrivel :). All jokes aside. Im sure ive read this piece before but it, i believe, was better the second time round. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I found a few mistakes though. For one, bronchitus is a lung infection. The other thing was that at the end Samantha was lying there when something was stuck in her back. She then proceeded to sit up without any emotion, and reach down for the lolly pop. That didnt quite make sense to me. But thats just me. When the doc. phoned the child abuse line there was joyous background music when he was on hold. I dont know if this was a mistake or if it was intentional. If it was intentional, it was a brilliant oxymoron. I enjoyed that. I reckon i would have enjoyed the story more if it were more focused on a character. I know it was focused on the doc. but i dont think it was enough into his emotions. It also would have been great to maybe focus on Samantha but i suppose that wasnt your aim. Otherwise the story was brilliant and it is always a pleasure to read your work. Carry on the good work La Vey. This crit was brought to you by our very own sponsor RYAN NEL" -- Boer Dundee, Gauteng, South Africa. "Thank you once again for being my friend Ryan. You mentioned her sitting up without emotion? How would you have liked her to sit up? With remorse? With joy? In fact, please if you could tell me how one could sit up with an emotion, I would be more than pleased. Furthermore, the joyous music in the background was indeed intended, to show the severity of the situation. The whole story couldn't delve too deeply into one character, seeing as it was intended to evolve around everyone. (The mother, Samantha, the boy with aids and his father, and of course the doctor.) So if you missed that, it had to be because of your cockroach intelligence, or your short attention span. But I do appreciate your review, although I took slight offense on the comment about my staffie that made my penis shrivel. You cannot talk to her in such a way. Plus, what would my readers think of me now when they see there has been mention of my penis... Thank you once again, BOER, Crowley, Ryan Nel, your crit was, as usual, very much appreciated." -- The Author, Gauteng, South Africa. "hello my sweet angel, that is truely a beautiful story! love you lots. your words have a way of melting my heart!" -- Jean. What A Night by Stephanie Ostrov (2) "Clever and interesting story you have there. Cool. Wath your punctuation a bit, but over all it was brill." -- Laura Axinte. "This was a great story. I was very impressed. Creative, entertaining and realistic. Way to go!" -- Dr. Miles, Park, MN, USA. Veiled Enigmas by Reagan Rothe (14) "Awesome story man!!! Great storytelling and kept me coming back for me!!!" -- Justin, San Diego, California, U.S.. "That was a great story!! I really enjoyed you new style! what a thrill!!!" -- Alexis , Dallas, Texas, United States of America. "An exciting mystery with good character development! You can tell who your influences are but you have a style all your own. Keep 'em comin', I'll definitely read more!" -- Robin, Louisville, Kentucky, USA. "I believe that this story was very well written and left you wondering .. I however wish thre was more to the story .." -- Lisa. "Incredible story-telling followed up with suspense and mystery that characterized the story! Fascinating and flawless!" -- Felix, Charlotte, N.C., USA. "Thanks for all the reviews... Justin, Alexis, Robin, Lisa, and Felix - I've added a peice of poetry you will definitely enjoy if you loved Veiled Enigmas!!!" -- Reagan, Houston, Texas, USA. "Perfect finish to a great story!!! I was in love with both women the whole story and rooting for them to come out victorious, guess you didn't see it my way. Nah, great work either way" -- Harris, Talladega. "Definately an interesting desplay of writing. Some interesting phrases ("initiated with the waste removal process"), and a few spelling errors, but overall it was a decent read. I cant help but think that this might make a good short movie or something of that sort..." -- Miles Tugman. "Not bad. Not bad at all. Nice work." -- R. Bennett Okerstrom. "Great story. Freakish, but great. I found myself reading faster in suspense to get to the end! And isn't that the whole point of writing? A job well done and a fine piece of work. You are going to be a general someday Gump! " -- Amanda, San Antonio, TX , USA. "A more relaxed, less satanic, more family, version of "Dark Days"... still had the twists and turns and great storyline, but not off-the-wall evil!!! Great story..." -- J.J., NY, NY. "The was certainly a twist or two! I had to really pay attention to all the characters to keep them straight- may I suggest a bit more character development? Otherwise, like Amanda, I just had read it to get to the end!" -- Tessa. "PERFECT!!! 10 out of 10 Rothe!" -- JJ, The Miss. "OKAY, OKAY, I finally found something I understood, enjoyed, and could follow thoroughly... Altough, I must say to my displeasure, that I'm more interested in DARK DAYS than this piece (don't get me wrong, it was very surprising and good) just for some odd reason I'm locked into DARK DAYS!" -- EJ Hennings, The Province. The Spark by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (2) "What a wickedly terrific sense of humor - loved this, of course I'm a bit depraved myself but a donkey, yikes. Good job." -- Just A Guy. "It's good that we finally know who's been attacking you all this time, finally able to put one name to all the multiple names. I realize that we still can't get rid of these useless posts, but it's good to know what ignorant person is behind them. I think it is terrible how the necessary break-up between Brooklyn and that Nic, forced all the other good writers on the board to be dragged into such sickness. I hope we've seen the end of it, but I cannot hold my breath. I'm sorry for all the things that you've been put through by a tormented male ex-lover who just can't get over it." -- Friend of Brooklyn Ashe. The Rosary by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (5) "Sooz ... how could anyone be offended? I found this immensely touching and meaningful ... excellent work" -- Judith. "No offense taken here Sooz! Rock solid prose that leave your readers with a glimpse of reality and the infinite! Favorite line "Your spirit clings defiantly to the ties that bind."" -- Monte. "Much more heartfelt than many "happy" stories I've read. I love the image of a full rosary being a spent life. Keep it up, your writing has a lot of soul to it. :)" -- Amee, UK. "Thank-you Amee, greatly appreciated. I'll look for your stuff on the site and return the favour. Thank-you." -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. "Was not offended-in fact, that's why I read it- I find that what some call offensive is really just a different angle on life, but is usually very interesting.Reading your story I felt an appreciation for life as it is to each individual. " -- Charity Smith, charlotte, N.C., USA. The Parallels by Jason Richard Mercer (1) "This is really good... I don't really know what I'm supposed to say, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. -lavendermusic" -- Jennifer. The Beloved Child by Julissa Gayle Raven (5) "this story is great! i wish that i could write this good. I would highly recomend this for people of any age. Keep up the good work!" -- Dalton, benbrook, Texas, United States. "Well written and the dialogue was extremely fluid with Gabriella and Sierra playing off each other well. Need I mention the disintegrating bones??? :) I'd really like to know what happened next..." -- Rowan Davies. " Favourite lines �Tell me your age, young one.� �Eleven, and too wise for my own good,� she answered bitterly. (EAM) This is a good piece of writing. It's impossible when reading not to take into acount your age and I'm trying to ignore that and review your work as I would any other writer on the site. Your style is crude in parts and needs to develop. The dialogue is good (one of the hardest things to write is convincing dialogue) your description is great for the most part, but needs reigning in a bit from time to time. I've read a lot of work on this site, this is definitely in the top fifty percent and I would say possibly the top seventy-five percent. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. "I'm sorry I've just re-read this and realised how pompous it sounds, like I'm some bloody literary expert. This is of course just my opinion, I've only been writing a few years myself and don't know it all by a long chalk. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. "i find this story very disturbing, yet very well written *applauds julie*" -- staci warren. The Beloved Child (Chapter 2) by Julissa Gayle Raven (1) "not as clean as the previous story but still well above my own skill level of writing *applauds julie*" -- staci warren. Terrarium Life by Wolfa (6) "hey! welcome back. i guess that other site just wasn't for you. " -- sal, grantwood, utah. "In my opinion the other site is far better than Storymania, but I decided to post these two out here of boredom-_-" -- Wolfa. "Hi there, I'm new here. What site are you talking about. If there's a better site I'd love to have the secret map to it. Meow kitty >^"^<" -- Cam. "Yeesh, this is not a frikkin message board, people!!>< Wanna talk email me at "[email protected]" or instant message me (AIM) at screen name "puppies r soft". The website is www.writerbbs.com, you might love it, you might hate it... all depends." -- Wolfa. "Oops, that's www.writerSbbs.com Sorry-.O" -- Wolfa. "Ehmm..m. Sehr gut Seite! Ich sage innig..!:) bmw" -- BMW, ..., ..., .... Solitaire by David B Doc Byron (6) "this really pissed me off - silence is evil, cowardly. i've no doubt god has a special place for molesters and hopefully enablers. hope this isn't a true story." -- Just A Guy. "Doc...this is really sad and I hate to see a mother so lost in her own fantasy that she is blind to the truth. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! " -- Michelle. "that's a really fucking good story. tight." -- jay. "I am one of the victims aswell but the only big difference is I did tell but nobody did anything about it and it was my uncle in this case for many years. Now i am 30 years old still can not forget what had happened to me and how my parents hushed hushed it all..." -- nadia, sharjah, united arab emirates. "needless to say....awesome...real sad." -- sunny, washington, dc, usa. "hey hey i m stil wondering...................is that real story" -- kazi, karachi, pak. Rush Hour by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (2) "Nothing particularly exciting...a fairly pedestrian observation of everyday life but nothing more." -- S J Fletcher. "Thanks for the review S, I agree entirely, this one wouldn't have thrilled me much either. Than-you." -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. Play With Me Please. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (3) "I thought my short stories were pretty good until I read a few of yours. As usual.Tops." -- arnold, sydney, nsw, australia. "What a nice thing to say, thank-you. I'll hunt out some of your work and return the favour next time I'm doing some reading. Thanks Arnold" -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. "Hummana bummana... those were the first words that came to my lips after reading this. Don't know what they mean, but figured I'd share." -- Interesting Alice. Octavia's Obsession by Michael Harris (4) "This was a little too wordy for me, but it was a good story. Keep writing" -- Steven T. "Thanks for the review, Steven. It was much appreciated. I was starting to think that no one cared. " -- Michael, Detroit. "You're giving a very nice message here, but this story looks more like a sermon. Please don't take this as offense, but consider trying not to preach, just tell the story. Tell me more of her emotions and her dreams; tell me about all the silly things she did as she tried to get rid of her acnes; tell me more about Octavia's cousin, what kind of person she was. Hope this is of some help. Best wishes and keep writing." -- Ivana. "Hey, thanks Ivana! I'll take the advice of not preaching and just telling the story into consideration for my next piece." -- Michael. Lookingthrough The Window by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (6) "This was a well thought out piece, showing how little we know of the plight, or true heart of others we observe and judge harshly. Well done" -- Judith Goff. "Thanks mate, glad you like it. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. "I don't normally comment, because I'm still reeling from the backlash that I received from another writer upon commenting on their work, but I wanted to tell you that I found this piece inspirational. I also wanted to add that I'm aware of all the harrassment you've received during your time here, and for a piece of enlightenment as to who is behind it you would do yourself a service, I think, by looking at the message board under Rob A. Bank's "Concensus Reached." Perhaps together we can put an end to this and make this the site it should be." -- Christina P.. "How dare you read my story "Lookingthrough the Window" you ignorant pompous bag of lard. I didn't write it for you." -- Anonymous. "Christina, I doubt very much that particular response was Ms. Simpson responding to you." -- Quotesmith. "Thank you for the encouraging review and I would love to see the site improve. It seems to have made a gradual start on that lately despite the people or person trying to bring it down. No that wasn't me, and if I wanted to bandy insults around (which I don't) I'd like to think I could come up with something a bit better than that. I appreciate every genuine review I get even the negative ones if they are done in good spirit so thank-you. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. Hearts by David B Doc Byron (4) "If only it were so easy to safeguard one's heart from the ravages of others, Doc ... very thought provoking ..." -- Judith . "i think an unused heart might be the saddest thing of all - broken and battered, such a small price for the reward." -- Just A Guy. "This is really powerful! Really makes me think...great job Doc!" -- Michelle. "Since I started reading your darkest works first, I have backtracked and read several others.. This one impressed me the most.. Fresh, crisp yet twisted... I loved it! " -- D G Williford. Glory Days by Kelley Sullivan (1) " This is pretty good. It's a little hard to follow and the game action needed to be more descriptive, but it's still a good first story. " -- Steven T. Cold Wonder by Julissa Gayle Raven (7) "I'm just over the moon with the use of the word 'strumpet'. Most enjoyable. Oh, constructive you say? Well, I got some quite vivid, seedy images from the piece and it seemed rather angry which is always nice. Lots of pent up aggression. It certainly is a ramble, but then rambles are never really constructive or progressive. Good for what it is though. A ramble I mean. Now where was I? Oh yes..." -- Rowan Davies. "Sorry, erm, I just looked at the piece again. Is the 'Wonder' in the title intentional or is it a typo? Not that it really matters. I was just quite interested, that's all. Could add a whole new dimension to the piece though..." -- Rowan Davies. "Thanks a bunch for the review...just to let you know your the first to really review my work. What dimension are you talking about though? " -- Julissa Gayle Raven, 13yrsofage, The Author. "Well, in my opinion, 'Cold Wonder' would be the way in which the man viewed everything in the passage, with that kind of icy view, and although he seems to despise most things in sight, the title may put forward the idea that deep down below this the man may have a genuine interest and joy in seeing these types of thing, be it a sick or insane kind of wonder. The act of him picking up and stroking the dog is a prime example of this because you don't do that to something you despise. 'Cold Wander', of course, would just mean a rather chilly walk :). Ah well, what's in a name anyway?" -- Rowan Davies. "It is NOT a typo, and it is "Cold Wonder". So thank you, for your insight. I was aware of the fact that I did make him like it a bit although he was a little off in his ramble...yes...i can't really express myself with words the way I want to, but maybe when I can I will try again." -- Julissa Gayle Raven. "Good title, great description, I like this. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. "I loved it. The feeling i got is of a lost person, who's not found the savior. Was that your intention?" -- staci warren. You Have Been Pre Selected... by August Bondi (2) "This story is short and sweet. However, there is no real definition for the characters, just that the woman is all the man wanted and the man is some guy who's reminiscing through a dream. I would suggest more description as to why she's all that and why he started dreaming about her. Perhaps he's lonely. There seems to be a little bit of redundancy in this short. You can emphasize your point without repeating the same words over. These are a few suggestions. Good job on your first attempt I urge you to keep it up. " -- Jessica Zidik , GA, USA. "good story. i liked reading it. only there is no real ending, youre dreaming till the end right, you don't actually hook back up again and interrupted by the phone in the end. re-read the story and clean up some of the sentences and add to the ending. good work." -- sunny, DC, good ol' USA. Wheatley's Last Wish Chapter Two by Drakeman Robert Kincaide (6) "What can I say? Hmmmm be constructive. Yes, best thing for you to do is do the world a favor and don't give up the daytime job!" -- Melissa, portland, OREGON, US. "I found the adjectives quite rich in detail, and a very interesting story plot developing here. With regard to "Melissa's" deroggatory comment, she would NEVER make it as a literary critic (inexperienced beginner)." -- Valerie, Mackinaw City, Michigan, USA. "Would you please add another chapter? I want to know how this story will end! It's not bad and I agree with val, but i think melissa has a hard-on for you, sir, so watch out." -- Lawrence Putnam, Phoenix, Az, United States. "hey I gots experience so dont make funa me and jeep your day jobs!" -- Melissa, portland, OREGON, US. "Your writing style is very much like your son's, who correct me if I'm wrong has work posted on here too? MBJ" -- Mary Beth, Holland, OH. "Great Story" -- Carol Healy, Australia. Uncle Marty by David B Doc Byron (2) "You are a SICK man, Doc .... but this made me laugh so what does that make me ????" -- Judith. "Nice. I like twisted stuff like this, got any more? " -- Julissa Gayle Raven. The Long Ride Home by David B Doc Byron (2) "Not so far off -in fact, in exactly the same vein as- Edward Crayley's 'The Alien', the top-title-hitter here I believe, although in my opinion this is far better written and if that is the best story on this site, then this is the mother of all fiction ever written in the world... ever. Which it isn't, but I liked it :)" -- Rowan Davies. "An alien from another world -- End Quote. Now simply by the virtue of it being an alien isn't it already from another world. Unnecessary redundancy. " -- Rhonda Ryder, Porn star extraordinaire. The Accident On Lane 17 by Steven T (2) "The story itself was decent, but if there is one piece of advice I could give you it's this: get to the point. You have a lot of distractions leading the reader away from the idea you're trying to get across. Instead of finishing a story and posting it, walk away, leave it for a few weeks, then get out your trusty red pen and go to work." -- S. Kane, Ferndale, WA. "You write well, but as S Kane said: get to the point. The story didn't pull me in from the beginning--reading about someone eating breakfast wouldn't interest most people. But, as I said, you write well. Hope that helps." -- Robert Bell. Tears Of Red. by Julissa Gayle Raven (3) "ANYTHING...I ACCEPT ALL CRITICISM AND PRAISE....PLEASE!" -- Julie, THE AUTHOR. "Hmm...after reading over a little bit of your novel, Constance and Flynn, let me just start out by saying that I have a sneaking suspicion that you're a lot better than this. The whole thing just seemed like it was rushed to me. I'm curious as to how long it took you to write it. And it wasn't scary at all, albeit a little grotesque. On the positive side, I did find that you were showing moreso than telling, something I--being 21--woefully underepresent in my own works. Anyway, you have plenty of time to hone your writing skills, and you most certainly have the gift, so keep writing." -- Michael. "First of allow me to say thank you for your criticism and praise...you know how to deal out the prunes with teh strawberries. But I know I have plenty of time, being thirteen. Actually Constance and Flynn took me teh course of a semester and a summer to write. It was a bit rushed, because i was becoming bored with it and I hate leaving things half done, don't you? Anyways this story was more showing than telling as you said, and I'm aware of the fact it was grotesque. But it was a school assignment that I wrote the night before, and it turned out a little better than I had hoped. It wasn't meant to be scary, but I hope it did send a delicious shudder down your back. Arigato Gozaimasu." -- Julie. My Summer Vacation by S Spencer (1) "my summer vacation eassy for nursery class 10 point. " -- anil, bhilai durg c.g., c.g,, india. My Inspiration by Amy Mondure Lioncourt (1) "It is beautiful Amy, but then again I would expect no less from such a genius." -- Julissa Gayle Raven, Benbrook, TX, USA. Just Me by Stormy (2) "I think this is a very well written story. (This is my first time to this site and I hope to come back and read some more.) I would definitely love to see this story continued though. There's so much that could be done with these characters. Why are the parents so angry with the little girl? Who was the little boy? (I thought maybe it was her twin brother??) Have you ever thought about continuing with this? I hope you do! " -- Jill. "I like this nice story,I want to translate it into chinese,can you send me an email to tell sth about the author?thanks." -- sun. Gulf by Ed Bruce (2) "What a delightful feel good story Ed! Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, I enjoyed reading this very much, thanks for posting it!!" -- Monte. "Thanks very much for your comments Monte. My problem with Gulf was that the plot is so cliche, but I felt moved to write it, because it happened (finding a message from U.S. in a bottle) to a neighbour of mine when I lived up North - although not the romantic ending I'm afraid! Nice to hear from you again. Ed." -- Ed Bruce, Essex, UK. Gamepoint - A Short Short by David B Doc Byron (1) "Doc, REALLY liked this one, you had me fooled until the end which is essential in a story with a twist ending !!!! Well done !!!" -- Judith. Day In The Life Of The Clinically Insane by Jessica Ann Zidik (5) "All I can say is Damn! that was really good!" -- Karen. "Hey, Jessica, I've just started the story, but like it so far. I'm going to print it off and read it at home (printed words read differently to those on screen, don't ask me why) and I'll post my review over the weekend. Be warned, though, I'm not a deep, insightful reader. I just want a good story. so far, so good..." -- robert Bell. "Well, Jessica, I've just finished it. First, let me start with the basics. I like your writing style. Your sentences flowed and had rhythm. But I noticed a few grammar errors...was that on purpose, or accidental? (I'm referring to the use of a comma and full stop after dialogue--then again, South African English is not the same as American.) Next, the story. I could lie to you and say that I got what you were trying to say, and that I found it deeply satisfying, but I didn't get the message. Don't worry, though: that has more to do with my lack of intelligence than it does your writing. I'm afraid I'm not a literary pundit. Sorry I can't comment on the story, but I'm sure there are others who can help out in that department. On the whole, I enjoyed your story, and as I've already said, your writing flowed nicely. Good work." -- Robert Bell. "Bravo! You have come a long way, Jess, and I still love you (and miss you even more). Your story seems surreal (indicative of the time I knew you in California living in the low-security prison which we called home, or the time I spent living in my own hell). Nevertheless, outstanding, as I can see us seated in "the circle" with you again (though clad in more than the gown showing your cute...never mind). Please let me know if you ever decide to expand upon this, as I have volumes of stories similar in style to this, some written, many in my head. Take care, continue to do well, and Salaam to you. " -- Old Friend. "very very good, the images of you in the ward were very crisp, i especially liked the ending, it was fantastic, especially given that in the intro you state that you talk to yourself. i haven't read a story this well, this deeply constructed in a long time. your emotions and personality came through crystal clear. errr, if you are really insane or depressed, i hope you get better/happier, but if being insane helps you write stories like this, maybe you should stay insane :)" -- sunny, dc, usa. Celebrating Life by Rowan Davies (3) "Very well written. Good distinctions between the changing perspectives. This is rather an exploration of how different people perceive the same events and act in situations, rather than having an important storyline or overall moral." -- Jack Brown. "Beautiful I almost cried for the death of Ted and his girlfriend. The old lady was sadly a wonderful elderly person." -- Julissa Gayle Raven. "That last one made no sense. I was basically saying that teh Old lady was a great person, and I hope she finds a reson to live, btw does she stay alive or lose her will to live?" -- Julissa Gayle Raven. Blood Is Thicker Than Water by David B Doc Byron (4) "Doc ... I am honored !!!!!! This was a great read, nice twist at the end, and you won't believe this, but I am diabetic which put a definite personal slant on it!!!!! Thank you for dedicating this to me (:o)" -- Judith. "Enjoyed this, Doc. Well written" -- Jack Brown. "Interesting. " -- R. Bennett Okerstrom. "Don't know how long this has been up but I'm just reading it for the first time. WOW! Its great! Wonderful frightening read!" -- Michelle. What Are You Thinking About? by Darcy K Metz (3) "This is good, it made me laugh. But I wonder - is there a touch of wishful thinking here? Either way it makes little difference, I read it from begining to end and enjoyed it, maybe it's 'cause I like those 1st person things. I'll probably read another one when I get time." -- Fergus O'Ferguson. "Darcy! Wow! For such a simple "man's man" you have a profound spirit. Great job with the story. It was thought provoking and well written." -- Karen. "good writing, slightly too long. i like it, but a little too sappy." -- sunny, DC, USA. Victory City by Matthew Little (1) "pretty cool and exciting." -- Joe. Treats From Heaven by Ashley Cook (3) "may i please have this story sent on my email add i really want to read it thanks" -- jasmin, casablanca, morocco. "PLease send me your e-mail address. Ash [email protected]" -- Ashley Cook. "I haven't finnished yet, but I love your story, Ashley. You have real talent in writing :)" -- Dennis Kanan. The Myriad Slip by Salai G Prit (1) "This is really ugly and really beuatiful. Fave line "The heavy scent of her hung like gloomy long thoughts across the bed" (EAM)I also like the philasophical musing at the end about describing something without using words because words don't mean anything. How would you describe a sunset without words? This piece has hidden depths. Could use a bit of an edit though :-) " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. The Mark Of Jack by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (7) "Interesting. Are you planning on continuing this?" -- Douglas Barre. "Must I assume your silence means no? If that is the case that is unfortunate, I would really look forward to seeing a completed version of this piece. It looks as if it could be written into a fine piece." -- Douglas Barre. "She may be gone from here Douglas. Many of the pieces on this site were put up a long time ago, and many of them left and forgotten about. In fact some of them were put up so long ago, that some of the email addresses that the authors have left don't work anymore, so you can't contact them." -- Gwen McHenry, Providence, RI. "Oh, stupid me, now that I think about it, those posts from that Douglas Barre could be equally old as the work they were placed under. He could have written that years ago for all I know, just the same as someone could be reading the words that I'm typing now a century or two after the fact." -- Gwen McHenry, Providence, RI. "Thankyou douglas and sorry for the delay. I've been very busy lately marketing my novel which came out recently. also I'm mad busy writting the next two books so little time these days for writing sites unfortunately. Yes I may do something with this in the fture but I think I've lost touch with it a bit. Thankyou for the interest. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. "Muzzle Flash�s Review: The Mark Of Jack Sue (Sooz) Simpson Jacki was in an apartment. ***This is not the most interesting opening line I�ve ever read. It doesn�t draw in the reader.*** An apartment overlooking the river. She was high up and the view from the big plate window was breathtaking. The apartment wasn�t so hot though. Clothes thrown over chair backs, overflowing ashtrays and ugh ***This is a non-standard word that doesn�t belong in exposition.*** a coffee cup that had decided to grow.***Growing cups???*** She felt light-headed, almost as though she was floating. Where was she? How did she get here? There was a blue coat on the floor, was it her coat? She wasn�t sure, ***add �she�*** couldn�t seem to focus her thoughts into telling her if she owned a blue coat or not. And if she did possess a blue coat was it one with an ugly dark stain that looked horrendously like blood soaked into it? She followed the sound of running water. Her movements leaden and her brain slow and sluggish. Down a corridor. Such a long corridor in such a small apartment. �The water, must follow the water she thought.�***Why is this line offset in apostrophes?*** A man was showering. His slim body clearly visible through the opaque glass. He showered aggressively, scrubbing at himself with a sponge suds flying onto the glass and hanging for a moment before slipping in a foamy white trail down to the shower basin. �Who was this man? What was she doing in his apartment?� She asked herself again. Nothing seemed to make sense, she stared at the man, as she stood hesitantly on the threshold of his bathroom and she sunk frustratingly into her confusion. Movement. Frenzied movement. It was behind her. No not it HE. ***place �it� in italics or at the very least quotes, then add a dash to indicate a pause, then �he� in lower case also in italics.***He was behind her. She watched helpless as he stormed into the bathroom. �What the �� began the man, flinging open the shower door. Jacki saw his eyes. All she saw were his eyes. They were wide with fear, but more than that, something else. Just to the side of the pupils a red triangle seemed to blink for a second in the light. A red triangle �The Mark of Jack� she found herself thinking. There was no hope for him. Not since he was marked out. �Hey�� said the naked man, but that was as far as he got. HE ***If you want to address this other male character simply as �he� then use italics.*** began to slash at the man. White became red, and the red became a curtain, a thick velvet curtain that gradually came down over her vision. Leaving only the drowning darkness. �The mark� She screamed as she sat bolt upright in her bed. She was soaked in a sheen of perspiration. Another nightmare. Oh god when was it going to end? What did it all mean? She knew there would be no more sleep for her tonight so she padded into the kitchen to make a cup of hot milk for herself. Maybe she�d add a healthy slug of Brandy, just to steady her nerves. She tried to remember what the dream was about but it was gone. �The mark� she said to herself, but it meant nothing to her. Earlier in the day she had an awful experience when she�d walked out in front of a bus without looking. A big, burly man had pulled her back wrenching his shoulder and swearing profusely. It was all so unpleasant that she�d tried to put it behind her but perhaps the incident had leeched into her dreams and caused her the unsettled night. She took the mug out of the microwave and began to stir in the brandy. A flashback rocked a convulsion through her body. She felt as though a bolt of lightening had hit her. She was in a room, an untidy room. A Mug. ***This sentence is ill-placed, confusing, fragmented, and improperly capitalized.*** There was a coffee mug on the floor beside a dingy brown armchair. Mould, there was a skin of mould cultivating on the top of the mug. And then she was back in her kitchen. The more she tried to remember the nightmare the more it slipped from her grasp. She gave up and let it fall over the cliff of her subconscious. She turned the TV on, and sat on the edge of the sofa sipping her milk. Her body was taught and she couldn�t relax into the soft yielding cushions. A news report was just ending. Night Stalker would be on now. Sometimes it was good, ***What was good, her rest or the tv programming?*** and more and more often she had been awoken in the night lately. She was becoming night-time TV�s biggest fan. �Get on with it� she told the newscaster irritably. The warmth of the hot milk had eased the shivers, but she still felt het ***�het� is that some foreign word?*** up and hyper. The sleek newsman was as good a person as any to scream at. ��.This evening � One a.m. �murdered �.brutal attack �defenceless ***defenseless***� police �urging �with information�come forward� ***Perhaps you could explain why the newscaster�s message was broken in places. Nervous newscaster? Faulty reception? Distracted viewer?*** The young man in the photo looked pleasant. Woodward, aged twenty six ***twenty-six***. Jacki�s heart stopped beating for enough beats to remind her to breathe, or at least that�s the way it felt to her. A reporter with a big furry microphone was standing in front of the river looking up at the block of apartments as she picked up the phone. She rang nine one one ***Usually it is best to write numbers out in word form rather than in digits, but here is one case where digits would be appropriate. 911.*** as best she could with trembling hands. ***Slightly confusing setting jump.*** The phone was ringing. He reached one hand out from under the bedding and grabbed the handset, while simultaneously attempting the grand feat of opening one eye and checking the time. 4:03 am� �Jesus!� he muttered �Hello Mitch Robins. This�d better be good.� There was a woman on the phone rambling incoherently. �Hello who is this please? Are you alright miss.� �I was there. I saw it. Saw the man getting murdered. Oh god send the police ***Use a comma right after �god� otherwise it looks like she�s asking god to send the police.*** I was there.� Mitch was alert. The voice sounded familiar, but he couldn�t quite place it. �Whoa who is this? What�s going on?� �This is Jacki Burgen. I need emergency services. Are you the police? I rang 911. I�ve just witnessed a murder.� �Jacki? Jacki who jumps out in front of busses? Well Hi there Jacki ,� He said sarcastically �I don�t mean to sound rude here, but What ***No reason to capitalize this.*** the hells ***hell�s*** going on and how did you get my number?� �I rang 911. I rang 911,� She kept repeating as tears streamed down her face. This must still be the nightmare. That was it she was still dreaming. �This isn�t real you know.� she said with a harsh hysterical laugh �Jacki, I don�t know what the hell is going on but give me your address and I�ll come right over.� ***Why would he do that if he really doesn�t know her? And is there more to this piece? I don�t see how it could end here. If it does you need to do a great deal more work on story conclusion. Don�t mean to sound insulting, but the reader needs to feel there is some sort of ending, even if it is a less than desirable one. Rarely can you leave the reader hanging, and usually that is a device used in horror and mystery, but that is always in the climax.*** " -- Cam Davis. "No it's not complete, as it says above it was the start of something bigger. Thanks and thanks to Cam. http://members.lycos.co.uk/suesimpson/ " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. The Jax (Episodes 1-5) by Matthew Little (1) "Is it just me or have I seen the first lines somewhere? ummm "24" maybe?" -- Dennis K, ., ., .. The Fear Within by Musau (1) "Why wasn't my response published? I find that quite interesting." -- Musau, Los Angeles, CA, USA. The Butterfield Stagecoach Mystery by D Donely (1) "OoO! Nice site! I juuust LOVE it! Found it rather interesting and useful, you know:) http://www.phentermine.grandsearch.net" -- Phentermine, ..., ..., .... Teeth by Fergus O'Ferguson (5) "Hunh?" -- KungFu Gibbon. "Okay so we all got the punchline half way through and the plot was a little bit weak, but it was still bloody funny and beautifully told. If I was going to change this at all, It would be to make it less apologetic, have faith in him being an obnoxious bastard and don't apologise for him "Shit what kind of man am I?" ect (EAM) Really got into this and can imagine that fiddle in full flight. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "thank you sooz. I wonder if KungFu will manage to articulate anything beyond a grunt in the near future? We all know about the monkeys and the typewriters tho so I suppose anything is possible..." -- Fergus O'Ferguson. "Dizzying and intelligently comic. I liked it...and found myself drawing an affection for its character. well done!!!" -- salai. "Thanks very much salai...interesting name...." -- Fergus O'Ferguson. Sleeping Silently by D Donely (3) "excellent story. a little work needs to be done on it but it can past." -- lori-ann. "I really enjoyed this story. It was written very well. I especially liked the ending. I don't know, just something about it I liked. I also enjoyed reading your poetry. Quite lovely. " -- WhiteWisp. "The writing was very good. it had a twist you could'nnt even imagine" -- Melanie. Pandora's Bottle by Judith Goff (4) "Interesting. I think I saw this on either Buffy The Vampire Slayer or Angel not too long ago. Do you think they borrowed your idea somehow?" -- R. Bennett Okerstrom. "That would surely suck, R. Bennett ..... " -- Judith. "WOW!! Clear discriptive language, realistic imagary...loved it!" -- Michelle. "Thank you, Michelle ... so glad you enjoyed this one!!!" -- Judith. One Night In Bangkok by A Johnson (1) "Gritty and hard hitting, but I'd have liked to feel more of the revulsion. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. Of Peppermints And White Knights by Stormy (2) "Stormy, your story was incredibly told, detailed and very realistic. I could see your pain. I'm having a tough time putting into words how it made me feel. I just wanted to take that little girl away and protect her forever. As a mother of two little girls I can say that I will never and have never ignored my children and I would never let them slip away from me like that. Stormy, you are a very talented writer and I am so impressed with your style, while simple, so profound and moving. You need to try to get this published. I am so looking forward to reading more from you. Please check out my work: search karen michelle robertson" -- Karen, USA. "Good job stormy. I am a young writer myself and always enjoy frank bare bones critisms. So here goes. The young girl in your story, after just taking the first sip of the first beer of her life proclaims that beer makes her pee a lot. How would she know about this aspect of the amber demon, if she had never before experienced it's charms? Too much use of the word "I" and not enough bold statement. I noticed that you did use bolder statements, but only at the end of the sections within your story and they worked well there. Finally the aspect and intentions of an old drunk feeding beer to a little girl are obvious to me in my cynical mind, but opaque in your story. People care about what people think, it's the backbone of every story, especially in first person. However it should still come into the context of the tale instaed of the other way around. After you took a left turn away from Mr. Williams and spiraled into alchocolism you left me wondering what happened to him and why was there no conflict dealing with his child abuse. Just a couple comments to help if I can. Bodah - [email protected]" -- Ben . Ivan's Out Of This World Odyssey by Alex M Sam (1) "Great story, but it seemed to be abridged somehow. The story could be three sentences long (like your description), or a 7 installment book series. The way you wrote it was great, with good descriptions, but it seemed to skip around a little. When I was reading this, your narration sounded like you were in a hurry to tell this story. For your future stories, you may want to put a little more in between scenes to let the reader know about their progress (like when directors show characters walking, sweaty and exhausted, in movies when they've had to walk somewhere). Also, your characters need to be more human. I know, I know, they're elves, but they still weren't very believable at points. Most would argue a bit before agreeing to embark on a quest that could kill them. Also, you should give the characters some motivation to go into the portal. The unkown is always scary, so they might not have all followed a little dragon into the portal, especially since they'd only read about portals in stories. Kids don't walk into crack houses because they've heard about them on the news. The story would be a bit more believable (even with it's elves!) if you'd made the dragon snatch a necklace off Calera and told the reader that her grandmother had given it to her just before she died. Anything will do. Overall, especially, your story was good, even though I'm not really one for fantasy stories. One of the things I did really like was the fact that some of the characters died. Writers can be seperated into groups that aren't afraid to kill their characters (those are the good ones, like you) and those who are. This seperation is for the authors is as important as the groups fiction and nonfiction are to the books they write. The thing I liked most about your writing is that you hit the perfect spot between too much detail and not enough. You didn't take a whole paragraph to explain what people looked like, but you didn't leave the entirety of the character to my imagination. Some writers would just say that Ivan was an elf and was going to his friend's house. Others would give me his life story and then say he was going to his friend's house. If you just said elf, I could have pictured Will Farrel fighting a dragon, but no. Perfect description, and you didn't bog down any scenes of action with anything besides a play-by-play. " -- Jeff. Image by Beth Foley (1) "Nice little diary piece, I can almost smell that sunscreen. " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria. I Have A Problem by Christina Soderberg (2) "Huh! You're name sounds really familiar. Are you in the Mid-Ohio Valley area? No need to answer that if you want to keep private. Just curious if we might have met or anything. Just a friendly KungFu Gibbon (i.e. Monkey) from that area." -- KungFu Gibbon. "Fantastic story. You could put much more detail into it, but the idea is super. Great job " -- Laura Axinte. Girl Scout Adventures by Sarah (1) "My son has recently joined the scouts and loves it, despite being teased by the other schoolkids who'd rather be out shoplifting and causing trouble in the evenings. I watched him in his first parade this Sunday it was a proud moment especially as he got to lay the wreath, his mother on the other hand got kicked out of guides on her second day there because she didn't want to be there. Lovely piece, nicely told. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. Cape May by Bastiani (1) "You describe this time with fondness and it shows in the writing. I liked the bit about the visitors, it's great ot have them but greater when they leave again. Nice one. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. Agony 2 by Sue (Sooz) Simpson (5) "OOo OOo Ooo! Monkey like Aunt Nasty." -- KungFu Gibbon. "And Aunty likes monkeys too ..especially with their skull cap removed and a big spoon to get all the brain juice :-) Thank-you." -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria. "This was very different, but entertaining and funny too! Nice to have Aunt Nasty provide some comic relief around here Sooz!" -- Monte. " Ellie�s Review: Interesting advice...a little over-the-top to say the least, but interesting none-the-less...weird! " -- Cam Davis. "Thanks Ellie. She is over the top I kep her shackled in the cellar most of the time. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria. A True Best Friend by Colleen Klose (1) "amaizing article coll !" -- Chrissy, Springfield, PA, US. Go to page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 |
|||
| Copyright © 1998-2001 Storymania Technologies Limited. All Rights Reserved. |
||||