The Princess And The Pea
ANNOUNCER:Hear ye, hear ye! (townspeople gather) Prince seeks a princess to call his own beloved! (gasps and murmurs from townspeople) All those interested in becoming the next queen, join in the competition! TOWNSPERSON: ooh! ooh! i want to be a princess! ANNOUNCER: besides you. it is of the utmost importance that the prince find a suitable wife---the king has fallen gravely ill! KING: i have laryngitis! ANNOUNCER: all princesses should find their way to the castle for the competition! (Set changes; more excitement from the townspeople as they exit; Big, obviously overdramatic, commotion begins within royals) LADY IN WAITING 1: oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my GOOOOOSSSHHHHH this is so exciting, like, i am FREAKING. OUT. LADY IN WAITING 2: I KNOW RIGHT. i'm getting so excited i don't know how to handle myself! (she begins taking large, comedically overdramatic gasps of air, coming to a point where she and LADY IN WAITING 1 both hold their breaths in anticipation. they then burst into laughter. More adlibbed excitement). LIMAYA: ladies, ladies, calm down! (the LADIES are quickly silenced, and stare at LIMAYA. When she turns away they begin to crazily, silently giggle, making funny/mocking gestures. As LIMAYA quickly looks back again, they assume their polite, silent stares once more, taking on the appearance of maturity and poise. LIMAYA again goes back to her business, and the LADIES give a nod, smile, etc. to one another) KING: yes, yes, everyone settle down please! now, as you all know, we are in for some delicious excitement! Why is that? WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHY. it's the HUNGER GAMES! (LADY IN WAITING 1 rushes up to him and whispers in his ear) KING: Princess challenge! (he mumbles "The first one sounded better") Now, we're trying to find a suitable girl for my son Harry here. (loudly whispers) as you know, he hasn't had the best luck with the ladies. SO, this competition will help us find a TRUE princess for our dearest prince. Through a series of tests and challenges, we can get that lovely lass! Everyone, make sure all affairs are in order! The princesses should be arriving soon! (All go about their business, arranging furniture, tidying up, etc.) KING: oh! I think I hear them now! (cheesy gameshow-esque music begins to play as the veiled princesses begin walking down the aisle) ANNOUNCER: our first princess comes from the quaint kingdom of Placebo home to the indigenous Hypochondriacs. She enjoys doctor visits, extreme hysteria, and the color pink! Please welcome Princess Worry! WHERIE: ACTUALLY, it�s pronounced �Whar-ie�! ANNOUNCER: Our next princess hails from the Kingdom of fruit, the Melon Colony! She enjoys darkness, hiding in closets, and makes a mean fruit salad! Please welcome Princess Pessimist! PESSIMIST: It really is not great to be here. ANNOUNCER: OK, now our next princess comes from the kingdom of Virile, she enjoys boxing, wrestling, hunting, fishing, biking, running, and brushing her hair! Please welcome Princess Butterfly! BUTTERFLY: sup The princesses start to surround Harry, He is scared QUEEN: what lovely girls! We certainly know our son! KING: Yes, why yes we do. HARRY: approaches parents and Edgar Are you sure that this is going to work? I don�t feel that any of these girls could be my princess! EDGAR: Yes, perhaps we could forget the whole� KING: BUT HARRY CAN NOT TAKE THE THRONE UNTIL HE FINDS A BRIDE! EDGAR: SLYLY Yes�..I know�.. QUEEN: Well! Princesses will meet at the castle for our first competition first thing in the morning! KING: AND TIME FOR DINNER! HARRY: I hear we are having split pea soup! EXEUNT���.EXCEPT EDGAR EDGAR: Another day further from the throne. WHY SHOULD HARRY GET ALL THE GLORY! Constantly ignored, always dejected, never loved�(weepy) they didn�t even like my poetry! (he sobs, crying overdramatically. He�s a really ugly crier.) BUT (his crying ABRUPTLY stops) At least I have my greatest and most loyal friend, Hannibal! Hannibal! (he calls to Hannibal, then proceeds to raise his hand from behind his back, revealing that Hannibal is a sock puppet. He literally speaks Hannibal�s lines.) HANNIBAL: yes my most dashing comrade! EDGAR: Oh you (blushes and playfully bats at his hand. Stops ABRUPTLY) But alas, this is no time for games, not when my brother is so near the throne. HANNIBAL: Well we could change that sire! EDGAR: But, what do you mean!? HANNIBAL: Well compadre, Harry can�t become the king if he cant find a suitable bride!. EDGAR: But he is my brother, would it be right to interfere? HANNIBAL: Do you remember all the years of being in the shadows? Do it for the throne! Do it for yourself! Your precious self! PRRREEEEAAACCCIIIOOOUUUSSS! EDGAR: You�re Right! If I cant have the throne! NO ONE CAN!!!!(He runs offstage with an evil snicker) ANNOUNER: (a horrible blare of the trumpet) all princess participants come to the dining hall for the first test! PRINCESSES line up as QUEEN, KING, EDGAR, and HARRY enter KING: It is now time for the most honored tradition in the kingdom (pause) SPEED DATING!!!!! QUEEN: Now each princess will have thirty seconds to explain why they are Harry�s true love! Who�s first! (he points to BUTTERFLY, who begrudgingly steps forward. EDGAR pulls out her chair and stands behind HARRY.) HARRY: So, tell me about yourself! BUTTERFLY: Well I like to�to---ah, dance, and i---(she is repeatedly distracted by EDGAR, who is making gestures behind HARRY�S back. He is attempting to sabatoge the date by feeding her horrible answers. (looks over at EDGAR WHO IS OBVIOUSLY FEEDING ANSWERS) i�love to�pick (she hesitates) daisies�(EDGAR shakes his head fiercely and pantomimes grooming a monkey head)�no! not daises�I like picking the bugs out of monkey hair! (with a grin, BUTTERFLY looks to EDGAR, reassured that she�s getting the answer gold mine. He nods and smiles back. HARRY looks horrified.) HARRY: that�s�.that�s nice�.how. erm. Why would you be a great�.wife? BUTTERFLY: i�.(she looks to EDGAR)�would love and support you�(EDGAR shakes his head again, pantomiming a couple yelling) and�..i�d��YELL AT YOU IF YOU EVER DID ANYTHING WRONG! (she excitedly stands up with a manly yell, knocking the table over and hi- fiving EDGAR. She then regains her composure and politely�with a suddenly very feminine voice�speaks.) Thank you for a LOVELY date! KING: WHAT A CATCH!!! HARRY: yeah�catch. QUEEN: Now! Who is next! (Blatantly points at WHERIE) SHE STEPS FORWARD, EDGAR PULLS OUT HER CHAIR AND OBVIOUSLY PUTS A WHOOPIE COUSHIN ON HER SEAT. SHE SITS DOWN AND A LOUD FART NOISE RINGS THROUGHOUT THE KINGDOM. WHERIE: (sits awkwardly still and slowly rises) Your Highness ( curtsies, puts her hand on her bum, and slowly waddles away whimpering) QUEEN: OH! She could hardly contain herself!!!! And now who is next!! (Points at PESSIMIST) EDGAR PULLS OUT HER CHAIR AND BEGINS TO STAND BEHIND HARRY HARRY: So, tell me about yourse----- PESSIMIST: (creepily) Have you ever seen a bird explode in mid-flight? HARRY: Well��.great to talk to you�.. KING: WELL LADIES!!!!! YOU ALL PERFORMED WONDERFULLY!!! BUT ALAS!! WE MUST CONTINUE THE COMPETITION TOMORROW DUE TO MY BAD CASE OF THE SWINE FLU� QUEEN: Laryngitis KING: LARYNGITIS!!! ALL EXIT (KING enters dramatically, wearing a large robe. He approaches center stage quite seriously.) KING: The next challenge is that of utmost importance, perhaps the most grueling test of all. It is the challenge of poise, of grace, of passion�it is�DANCE! ( THE KING THEN THROWS OFF HIS ROBE AND PROCEDES TO DANCE TO AN UPBEAT SONG OF YOUR CHOICE, THEN MUSIC AND DANCING SUDDENLY STOP. KING GIVES AN EXCITED SMILE TO THE PEOPLE BUT RECEIVES NO APPROVAL) . QUEEN: Anywho the challenge in this challenge, each of you will have the chance to dance with the prince and be sure to impress! So! Who is first! ( turns head and stares at BUTTERFLY) EDGAR: And now I can foil the dance as well! HANNIBAL: yes YES!!!! QUEEN: What is it other son? EDGAR: Nothing Mummy! ( he runs offstage) BUTTERFLY AND HARRY BEGIN TO DANCE, SHE IS QUITE GOOD, BUT A GIANT HOOK COMES FROM OFF STAGE WHICH CAUSES BUTTERFLY TO FALL THEN BEGIN TO CRY IN A SITTING POSITION. HARRY THEN GOES TO HELP HER BUT IS PULLED AWAY BY A FRANTIC WHERIE. THEY DANCE FOR A BIT BUT THEN EDGAR AGAIN TRIPS HER WITH THE HOOK AND SHE FALLS AND CRIES. HARRY GOES TO HELP HER BUT THE QUEEN BRINGS HIM TO PESSIMIST WHO THEN PROCEDES TO DO INTERPERATIVE DANCE OF WHICH HE TRIES TO MIMICK HER. BUT THEN SHE TWIRLS HARRY AROUNG FURIOUSLY UNTIL HE FALLS. ALL OTHERS STARE, PERPLEXED. OBLIVIOUS TO HER OWN ODDNESS, PESSIMIST CONTINUES TO INTERPRETIVE DANCE OFFSTAGE UNTIL SHE BUMPS INTO EDGAR.) EDGAR: (surprised, a bit taken with this suddenly appealing princess) Ah�um�.nice�dance moves�(blushing, he shuffles offstage after PESSIMIST. HARRY seems crushed by the disappointing results of the dance.) HARRY: (talking only to LIMAYA) this feels hopeless! I�m never going to find a bride! LIMAYA: Harry, be patient. I�m a fan of tradition, but if these tests aren�t doing enough for you, just listen to your heart! I�ve seen you grow up�I know there�s a strong king waiting for the right bride in you. I know there�s a handsome lady killer deep down in there. HARRY: thanks, Limay- LIMAYA: REALLY deep down. We may have to do some digging HARRY: yeah, okay, thank- LIMAYA: like, under a LOT of layers (KING approaches) HARRY: that�s�sweet�but i just don�t believe the right girl is out there. KING: WHY THAT�S RIDICULOUS! It can only get better from here! It promptly starts to rain. LILY begins to make her way down the aisle. HARRY: so you expect some wonderful girl---a wonderful girl who actually loves me�to just show up at my door? There is a knock at the door. Surprised, HARRY goes to answer it�and discovers the lovely and sopping wet LILY. They have an immediate connection. they both start to introduce themselves, overlapping and missing each others� names. LILY: I�m Lily. HARRY: Harry. Er�prince Harry. I mean�just�just HARRY, but I am a prince. Um, I�m prince. Harry. Prince harry. LILY: am I too late for the princess challenge? HARRY: (wide-eyed, he looks excitedly back at LIMAYA. As he turns back to LILY, he becomes as �smooth� and collected as an awkward but endearing prince can be.) hobbies? LILY: gardening. HARRY: job? LILY: waitress. HARRY: dreams? LILY: true love HARRY: Favorite sandwich? LILY: reuben. HARRY: can you dance? LILY: Yes. (they do a VERY quick waltz) HARRY: you didn�t step on my feet. LILY: I know. (HARRY coolly nods, keeping a straight face, and calmly walks over to LIMAYA. When he reaches her he bursts out in quiet excitement) HARRY: SHE�S PERFECT. LIMAYA: oh really? She�s certainly a cute one! (as she and HARRY begin to talk, Lily strikes up a conversation with someone) HARRY: there�s�.something WONDERFUL about her.... With a knowing smile, LIMAYA makes her way to LILY. LIMAYA: so, Lily�.what do you think of Harry over there? LILY: oh, he seems WONDERFUL! There�s something�about him��(she looks down, seeming a bit ashamed and stuttering slightly) But, i�I came in here soaking wet, and I�m nothing special, and i---gah. (she peeks shyly at HARRY and quickly looks away). LIMAYA: look, Lily, I have a letter for you, from Harry. ANNOUNCER: little did Lily know the letter was fake! (shocked, LIMAYA glares up above) LIMAYA: SHH! Don�t TELL her! (LILY, unaware, looks excitedly at the envelope. LIMAYA smoothly makes her way back to HARRY.) LIMAYA: hey, Harry? Now don�t get TOO excited but I ah�have a letter for you from LILY. HARRY: (his face lights up) YOU DO?? ANNOUNCER: little did he know, this letter was ALSO a fake! LIMAYA: (exasperated) IF YOU�(she clenches her skirt and walks off stage. LILY and HARRY open their letters in unison, unaware of each other despite meeting seconds ago.) HARRY/LILY: �Hi! I love you. Meet me center stage now. Lol.� (still unaware of each other, they excitedly�and relatively slowly�walk center stage, their eyes still on the letters. They bump into each other.) HARRY/LILY: OH! Sorry! (they giggle, and move Downstage right. A spotlight illuminates them as they begin to engage in sweet, cheerful conversation. As they AD LIB, PESSIMIST slowly wanders on to stage Left, oblivious to their conversation. Edgar coincidentally finds her there as HARRY AND LILY continue to pantomime a conversation) EDGAR: oh! Sorry, I�ll leave you to yourself. PESSIMIST: (wide-eyed as usual, staring out into the balcony. She speaks with a silky and bizarre, but apparently engaging voice). No, that�s quite alright. I love looking at the stars. EDGAR: but�.we�re inside�. Back to HARRY and LILY. HARRY: so you never really had pets while growing up? LILY: No, my parents didn�t allow such �filthy creatures� HARRY: Well I have some pets. LILY: oh you�re so lucky! I always wanted a sweet cat, or a bird, or a dog�.or anything, really�it could get pretty lonely sometimes. HARRY: well�.you don�t need to feel lonely anymore! (they look into each others� eyes for a moment, then HARRY coughs awkwardly and looks away) i�I mean---because we have so many pets here! I�m sure you could have one! . Back to Edgar and Pessimist. EDGAR: Why on earth would your parents hate animals! PESSIMIST: Because I created them in a laboratory. EDGAR: ME TOO! They freeze, go to Harry and Lily LILY: And that�s why I quit the Russian Ballet company. HARRY: That�s amazing! Do you think that you can show me some of your dancing? LILY: Sure (They begin to dance) Back to Edgar and Pessimist EDGAR: And it�s beauty was shocked by the lightning of it�s greatest warrior, the chinchilla. PESSIMIST: That was a beautiful poem. EDGAR: I HAVE A WHOLE SERIES OF MY POEMS IN MY LIBRARY IF YOU WANT TO SEE! PESSIMIST: (genuinely interested) Sure The light on EDGAR and PESSIMIST fades out as they excitedly run offstage left, leaving the spotlight on HARRY and LILY dancing. Harry is a bad dancer. LILY: (laughing, trying to teach HARRY the steps.) oh! You�ve ALMOST got it! Aand�no, no (more laughter from both of them) wait, wait!...THERE you go, that�s it! (they finally have the step. And then LILY trips and falls, bringing HARRY with her. They burst into laughter on the floor, thoroughly amused by their shared lack of coordination. As their laughter settles, they look up again into each others� eyes. HARRY brushes back a strand of LILY�S hair and they slowly lean in�..only to be interrupted by the KING literally bursting through a painting to the Conga song from earlier.) KING: FINAL CHALLENGE!! (Everyone begins to file into the room.) HARRY: oh�.right�.there�s still a competition�. KING: and congratulations to our newest participant, Princess Lily! (crowd cheers, other princesses boo) and ah�.oh! I almost forgot! All princesses�there is an urgent�..thing�.. QUEEN: a message! KING: A MESSAGE for you�.over�..THEEEERE�..waay over there�. (the slightly confused princesses exit stage right) ANNOUNCER: little did they know, this announcement was fake! KING: (In a very loud whisper) now that the princesses are gone, it�s time to explain the third and final challenge! It is of the utmost importance the princesses not realize precisely what this test involves! QUEEN: this is a time-honored tradition, widely regarded as the best test of prncessy-ness! KING: the best way to find true love�.is with vegetables! (utter silence. The listeners, with good reason, are quite confused.) QUEEN: vegetables�.under MATTRESSES! (More silence. Then slowly a chorus of �vegetables?� is heard from various members of the crowd, ending with one last word from the KING.) KING: VEGETABLES!!!!!! (the crowd is still horribly confused.) LIMAYA: Hang on guys, allow me to explain; There�s an old tradition in this kingdom. It�s odd, but effective. A true princess will feel an item, particularly a vegetable, even under many layers of mattresses. KING: 100 mattresses! ( A huge bed full of mattresses roles out.) LIMAYA: �yes. Be it an onion, a squash, a carrot�.a true princess is sensitive enough to her surroundings, observant enough of her situation, and caring enough of each detail to feel a vegetable underneath her mattresses. These are the qualities we search for in a queen, and these are the qualities that must be displayed to win the competition. ALL: ohh�..(they still don�t really get it) LIMAYA: (to audience) you guys get it, right? Well anyways, each princess has a vegetable hidden under her bed. If they toss and turn from feeling it, they�re in luck. But if they sleep like a baby�hasta la vista. HARRY: (genuinely worried. He desperately wants LILY to win.) Limaya, what is this? You told me to listen to my heart if the tests don�t work, and now you�re saying LIl�I mean, a princess, can�t marry me unless they win this last challenge? What if Lil�the princess�..the SPECIAL princess�.doesn�t win? LIMAYA: have faith, Harry. If she�s the one you�re meant to be with, she WILL win. Trust that she is a true princess. HARRY: I don�t care if she�s a true princess. I love her! LIMAYA: Harry, your heart� HARRY: (hilariously overdramatic) YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY HEART! (LIMAYA slaps his face) LIMAYA: better? HARRY: yeah, thanks. (LIMAYA exits, leaving the slightly consoled but still concerned HARRY to himself. The KING mumbles to himself, AD LIBBING his plan for where to put which vegetables. Edgar sneakily approaches downstage left, in his own world.) EDGAR: vegetables�veegggttaabbllesss�.so, this is what it boils down to. All that stands between Harry and pure�..HAPPINESS (his words drip with bitterness and disdain) is a measly vegetable� HANNIBAL: and he has his eye on that LILY girl! EDGAR: at least his eyes haven�t found Pessimist�.NOT THAT I CARE. HANNIBAL: yesssss the Lily girl�she is the true threat. (HANNIBAL sneezes) EDGAR: Bless you. HANNIBAL: But she can�t win if she can�t feel the vegetable. She can�t feel the vegetable if it�s�a PEA! EDGAR: yes�.yes, that�s brilliant Hannibal! A pea! She�ll NEVER feel a pea! No one could! (maniacal laughter) A pea! A pea! A kingdom for a pea! (laughing, he runs to the mattress. Brandishing a pea, he goes behind the mattress stack for a moment, devilishly emerging as his laughter is heard from up above. The lights fade and the bed is rolled offstage. A rooster crows, indicating morning. The lights come up and the ANNOUNCER comes onstage. ANNOUNCER: (bad trumpet playing) The morning is here would the princesses come to the royal dining room. All the princesses come in and line up in a single file, they all have blank expressions. KING: Now ladies congratulations on completing the competition! ( all of the princesses look confused) FOR YOUR SLUMBER WAS PART OF THE COMPETITION! QUEEN: The crazy king is right! For your ability to sleep has determined whether or not you are a real princess�.SO WHO IS UP FIRST! (points to Butterfly who reluctantly steps forward.) KING: THE REST OF YOU CLOSE YOUR EARS UNTIL YOUR TURN! SO TELL US PRINCESS BUTTERFLY! HOW WAS YOUR SLEEPY TIME! BUTTERFLY: I slept beautifully! No complaints! So does this mean I am a Princess? KING: NO!!!! FOR YOU MY CHILD FAILED TO FEEL THE MIGHTY ARTICHOKE UPON WHICH YOU LAID! QUEEN: Now who is next ( points at Wherie) WHERIE: (Frightened) I am, I guess. KING: AND HOW WAS YOUR NAPPY NAP!!! WHERIE: I slept like�.a princess? KING: POPPYCOCK!!!!! FOR IF YOU WERE A TRUE PRINCESS YOU WOULD HAVE FELT THE SLIPPERY MAJESTIC SKIN OF THE TO-MA-TO!!!! QUEEN: But dear , a tomato is a fruit! KING: SINCE WHEN!!??!?! QUEEN: since always KING: WELL THEN�.WHAT ABOUT A PUMPKIN! QUEEN: Pretty sure that�s a fruit. KING: a-vo-ca-do? QUEEN: Fruit. KING:�..WELL I PUT AN AVOCADO UNDER PESSIMISTS MATTRESSES SO I DON�T THINK SHE COUNTS! (walks up to Pessimist and she unplugs her ears)I AM SORRY BUT YOU DO NOT COUNT! (PESSIMIST shrugs and walks away) QUEEN: Now it is your turn Lily. KING: NOW , RANDOM GIRL WHO ENTERED THE COMPETITION MIDWAY. HOW WAS YOUR BEDDY BYE? LILY: (frightened) Well, I am truly sorry but, I hardly got a wink of sleep. Believe me I tried but it felt like I was laying on a sheet of rocks! SILENCE LILY: wh..what�s wrong? (Suddenly, the entire crowd wildly cheers and applauds. HARRY, unable to contain his joy, runs to LILY and embraces her.) HARRY: It means you�ve won! EDGAR: WHAT? It can�t be! I will not stand for this! (EDGAR and LILY have a really kickass fight scene with sock puppet swords and epic music and matrix references and stuff and it�s really awesome and LILY wins and everyone cheers again. The defeated EDGAR fumes and storms to the side, only to feel the hand of PESSIMIST on his shoulder.) LILY: (understandably out of breath) so...that means I�m yours? KING: better yet, it means I get to retire! (he rips of his robe�.again�revealing shorts, sandals, sunglasses, and a hawaiian shirt. ANNOUNCER: and they all�(the KING and QUEEN excitedly embrace and cheer for the joy of retirement ) lived happily�(EDGAR sweetly grasps PESSIMIST�S hand) ever�.(HARRY turns to LILY) �after. (HARRY and LILY finally have their kiss)
Copyright © 2012 Jennifer Leeson |