Terence And Abelardo--Set Four
Randall Barfield

 

"Handsome Is..."


(Someone at Abelardo’s parents’ house has hung the phone up on him 3 times. The 4th try, his mom answers.)


Mom
Hello?

Abelardo
Mom, it’s me. Abe.

Mom
(In a low voice) I can’t talk right now. Call back in about 10 minutes. Your father’s going out.

(10 minutes pass. Abelardo rings again.)

Mom
Hello?

Abelardo
Mom. Is the coast clear?

Mom
Yes, it is. What do you want?

Abelardo
(A bit startled) Well, I’d like to say hello, Mom.

Mom
Oh. Is that it?

Abelardo
What’s the problem, Mom? You forgetting you have a son?

Mom
Don’t be a wiseguy or I’ll hang up again.

Abelardo
Oh, it was you?

Mom
It was me once and him twice.

Abelardo
Again, Mom, what’s the problem?

Mom
I think the problem’s on that end. Not this one.

Abelardo
Meaning?

Mom
Meaning your father and I think you’ve become a prostitute.
Practically. (Her voice breaks)

Abelardo
A what? Mom, that’s so ridiculous. What century is this? What do…

Mom
And if you say a wife’s a prostitute, I’ll hang up! I’m taking no crap from one of my own!

Abelardo
(Tears welling in his eyes) I AM your son, Mom, and I always will be.

Mom
That’s true, but your father and I don’t have to smile and nod as if we agreed with every whim or urge that you come up with. You were raised decently, obeying the Lord; raised to be a decent adult I think you’ll recall.

Abelardo
The Lord is good, Mom.

Mom
Good? Yes son, the Lord IS good, but read the Old Testament a bit. When He gets angry, He can knock the living you-know-what out of us mortals. Don’t test Him. You’ll find that in the Scriptures.

Abelardo
I’m happy, Mom. I have to choose my own life.

Mom
Choose? I could’ve chosen to have affairs with 15 or 20 good-looking men along the way and have been happy. But happy for how long? I WAS pretty, you know. No, I had kids to consider. To be an example for.

Abelardo
You’re still pretty, Mom. You’ll never be ugly. If you live to be 90.

Mom
Pretty is as pretty does…Put handsome there instead of pretty in your case.

Abelardo
Mom, we’re not getting anywhere with this. Just be my mom, okay? Be there for me.

Mom
I’m here Abe, but don’t think I’m gonna be Miss Chatterbox on the phone with you. Not to mention that your father’s here most of the time.

Abelardo
(Slight edge in his voice) You’re not happy with dad and you know it. He’s practically always been an ogre.

Mom
You listen. I’m happy with the good Lord in my heart. Your father’s a God-fearing man, at least. That’s more than I can say for thousands of others. You might want to try being one yourself one of these days.

Abelardo
I hope I’m never like he is!

Mom
And don’t call me boo-hooing when that Godless foreigner knocks you clear across the room some day. We play with fire, we get burned.

Abelardo
He’s not Godless, for your information. Far from it.

Mom
You know something? I don’t give a toot or a poot who or what he is. Good-bye!

Abelardo
(Sighs) Bye Mom. (Both hang up)


THE END of "Handsome Is..."



The Contrary


(Lying in each other’s arms, Pecho and Boots relate experiences and soften the world.)


Abelardo
Then what happened?

Terence
She kicked him out on his ass. For good, finally.

Abelardo
You admire her a lot, don’t you?

Terence
Yes. To say the least. She was brave, and we kids didn’t grow up so needy. Things like that.

Abelardo
But it was before you were born.

Terence
Of course it was. But if she hadn’t left him, we three would have been born from HIM. Needy and all the roller-coaster rides that go with growing up in an alcoholic home. That’s the way I see it.

Abelardo
So, your dad is really your mom’s second husband.

Terence
Right-o.

Abelardo
My mom wouldn’t leave my old man if he beat her.

Terence
Oh God. Don’t say that.

Abelardo
I feel certain. Sometime I wish she had left him.

Terence
Is he that bad?

Abelardo
He’s an asshole. I mean, he can be nice—super nice—but he can be nasty, too. I never knew what it was to get a kiss or a hug from my dad. I needed that.

Terence
You and how many millions more?

Abelardo
I needed for my dad to tell me that I was okay. Like, that I was his…

Terence
(Laughs a little.) Meaning you snotty little unwanted jerk!

Abelardo
Meaning that I had some worth. Because I was his, if for no other reason.

(There is silence for a while.)

Then you tried it.

Terence
(His body tenses) Who told you that?

Abelardo
Why did you not?

Terence
How did you find that out? I’m asking.

Abelardo
Words travel Pecho. Like, you know, faster that the speed of light.

Terence
I would’ve told you eventually.

Abelardo
Sure.

Terence
I never found the right moment. What’s the big deal? It’s over.

Abelardo
We’re different. You have been a real husband. Sort of, I guess.

Terence
(Gasps) I want a medal! Soon!

Abelardo
Was it hard?

Terence
(Giggles) Was what hard?

Abelardo
The married. To have a married.

Terence
Oh, the marriage. MARRIAGE, Boots.

Abelardo
Okay, marriage.

Terence
Some days were hard and some weren’t. Like in any relationship.

Abelardo
Why did you get out? You could have lived a lie.

Terence
Yeah, I could have. But for how long?

(Another silence for a bit)

I didn’t know how it was going to be. Then there was the family pressure. On both sides. I learned something. I learned I was like Somerset Maugham. He once said he thought he was three-quarters normal and one-quarter queer. He found out later it was the contrary.

Abelardo
Som…what?

Terence
Somerset. With that name…

Abelardo
Who is he?

Terence
He was an English writer. Dead now. Wrote a lot of short stories and stuff.

(Phone rings.)

Hell. (Moves to get up.)

Abelardo
Pecho?

Terence
Yeah.

Abelardo
I want to say—I’ll never forget today. These moments.

Terence
(Gives Boots a playful punch.) Thanks. I’m sure I never will either. (Goes to answer phone.)



THE END of “The Contrary”



   
"A Jerk’s A Jerk A Jerk"


(Marcia and Terence are having lunch outside the embassy compound at a nearby shopping mall.)


Marcia
How’s Abelard?

Terence
Oh, he’s fine. Working and gabbing as usual. Rather cut off from his parents, I understand.

Marcia
That’s too bad. Is it worth it?

Terence
(Brows go up)
Is what worth it?

Marcia
The lifestyle. Having his lifestyle at the expense of parental love and acceptance.

Terence
Love? Really, Marcia. Let me put it this way—Are you going through life at this moment obliging your parents every second?

Marcia
Me? I have only 1 parent and even though mom and I get on well now, she learned years ago I would live my life the way I wanted.

Terence
That’s exactly my point. Give your mom a kiss for me.

Marcia
Oh, she knows about you. Quite a lot. Says she likes you.

Terence
(Smiles)
We’d better start eating or these will be cold cuts.

Marcia
This steak is absolutely delicious! What do they call it?

Terence
"Churrasco". I guess it refers to the cut. It’s an Argentinian word, isn’t it?

Marcia
Hell if I know. Chur-ass… (Both laugh.) No, I can’t say it. It’s delicious, anyway.
(A minute or two of silence ensues)

Isn’t it terrible about that latest headline assassination?

Terence
It’s abhorrent. Nobody’s safe. I’m so sick of murders.

Marcia
Well, you’d better put in for a transfer. Switzerland maybe?

Terence
Look, the man’s been working half his life for better social conditions in his country and they go and kill his sister? So much for gratitude. She was brave to put up a fight, though.

Marcia
You’re right there. Then there’s Jesus. Only 1 ex blind-guy came back to thank Him for the healing. One out of ten. Maybe times change but some things don’t. The Dalai Lama’s visiting, by the way.

Terence
I know. He needs to be cloned and distributed round the world, starting right here. A few thousand, maybe?

Marcia
But if people don’t even listen to Jesus…or Allah, for that matter…

Terence
But you see, it’s the ones who DO…that’s a sort of clone situation or chain reaction right there. Whatever you wanna call it…

Marcia
Did you see that about the ex senator’s son? Says he’s gay and has a charity or some sort of entity.

Terence
I did. It’s a good move for tolerance, at least. They say those people are millionaires. Ex large land-owners or something. Perhaps it isn’t too hard to say such a thing if you’ve got a fat bank account to live on the rest of your life.

Marcia
I admire him, anyway. As I do you.

Terence
(Blushes)
Thanks. What if I didn’t live this way though? What if I had 2 cars in the garage, a conniving blonde bitch for a wife, and 3 kids?

Marcia
Wouldn’t make any difference. As long as it was your choice. And you were free to change it whenever.

Terence
Oh, Miss Flexible, is it?

Marcia
Not really. I just believe strongly in freedom. Gays often go and forget that here or there a gay might not wanna live as they do collectively. What’s a life without choices? I, for one, don’t want some hysterical dictator breathing down my neck…telling me what I can and cannot do all the time. Especially when he and his cronies then go and do just what they’re always prohibiting.

Terence
(Sighs)
I wish life were easier sometimes.

Marcia
Poor baby! Boo hoo.

Terence
(Laughs)

Marcia
Oh, while I remember. Old Norman hasn’t appeared anymore, has he?

Terence
He’d better not. The jerk.

Marcia
I remember he was bothering you. I seem to run into him at the water fountain every other day.

Terence
If he comes near my desk again, I’m giving it to him.

Marcia
Tell him you’ll request a meeting with his boss.

Terence
I’ll tell him that and follow through. His boss and MY boss. I don’t need his shit.

Marcia
(Shaking her head)
That guy’s got some kind of problem. Why can’t he live his own life and let others do likewise?

Terence
Because a jerk’s a jerk. They’re born that way!

(Both, laughing, start collecting their things to leave the restaurant.)


THE END of A Jerk’s A Jerk A Jerk




   
Touchy Touchy There


(Terence is busy at his desk when Norman Newell walks into the office.)


Norman
(Big smile)
Terence, my boy, how goes? How’s the love life?

Terence
(Startled at first)
Norm, you asshole. What do you want?

Norman
What is this—World War IV? I’m your buddy, Terence. Really, I mean that.

Terence
(Unconvinced)
I happen to know how much you mean it. If you’re bringing any work, there’s the in-box; otherwise, disappear quick-like!

Norman
Ooh, la la, he’s all angry. What have I ever done? Pats Terence’s shoulder.

Terence
Don’t touch me! I’m serious, Norm. We’re not friends. We’re not gonna be friends, so out now, please.

Norman
(Starts backing out, shaking his head)
Touchy touchy there! Sorry about the intrusion, sonny boy.
(Exits)



THE END of “Touchy Touchy There”






      
      
      
      
      
      

 

 

Copyright © 2006 Randall Barfield
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"