Help Wanted Setting: A very expensive restaurant, with one table at the center of the stage. Characters: James Porter, executive, tall, dignified, distinguished, carefully combed hair, late thirties to early fifties, extremely well-dressed in a navy blue pinstriped business suit, yellow silk tie and pocket handkerchief, red suspenders, black dress shoes polished like mirrors, starched white shirt. He is the epitome of the successful businessman. At the beginning, he is the very model of the self-assured, slightly arrogant hotshot. Carl, the waiter, thirties to forties, thin and dressed in a waiter�s uniform, always smiling, speaks in a soft voice that never gets excited. Hank, the chef, fifties, dressed in a chef�s apron and hat, mustache. Mr. Everett, executive, similar to Porter. At the opening, Carl and Hank are taking down a large help-wanted sign from the window. Carl: Well, we might as well give up. I guess janitors are worth their weight in gold! Hank: Yeah...(leaves) Mr. Porter arrives. Carl: Still, there's still hope... Then Carl is showing Mr. Porter to the table, and hands him the menu. Carl: Here you are sir! And will sir be dining alone today? Mr. Porter: No I will be meeting two other people. I�m early� Carl: Alright, sir! I must say, that sir is an exceptionally well-dressed gentleman. It is a great pleasure to have a man of such obvious distinction in our restaurant! Mr. Porter: (confidently) Well, thank you, thank you! Things are going well in my career. (Carl leaves) Mr. Porter sits quietly for a moment, studying the menu. Carl then returns and walks up to the table: Carl: Sir, I� Mr. Porter: I think I�ll wait to order. Carl: It�s not that sir. I�m afraid I must inform you that�there seems to have been a complaint, in fact several complaints. They are in regards to yourself, sir! Mr. Porter: What? A complain? About ME? Carl: Well, sir, here at Chez Grand, we are very proud of our extremely quiet ambience. Mr. Porter: (sitting with his legs crossed and his right shoe clearly visible) Well? What has that go to do with me? Carl: Well, sir, it seems that you are disturbing the patrons with your�noise. It�s those�(he points to Mr. Porter�s shoes) Mr. Porter: My SHOES! Carl: Yes sir; I�m afraid that the squeaking is becoming intolerable. THERE�I just heard it again! We have had several complaints� Mr. Porter: (with irritation) My shoes do NOT squeak! These are five hundred dollar shoes handmade in London! Carl: Sir, please, I must ask you to maintain your composure. Mr. Porter: (calmly) Very well�what am I supposed to do about it? I can�t leave. This is the most important meeting of my professional career! My colleagues will be here shortly, and I can�t reach them� Carl: (shakes his head, clicking his tongue) It IS a shame to ask this of you, as you are such a well-dressed gentleman, but, sir, I am afraid I must insist that you take off your shoes. Mr. Porter: WHAT! Carl: Sir, I am aware that you are a man of great distinction. I have asked you not to get excited. I must insist� Mr. Porter: You expect me to sit here with my shoes off? In my BUSINESS SUIT? Carl: If you do not comply� Mr. Porter: You�ll WHAT?! Carl: Is sir threatening me? I may have to call the police. Mr. Porter: The police! But�no..no�it�s just that�surely you can�t expect me, a man in my position, to have his dignity� Carl: I must insist, sir. Mr. Porter: (angrily) ALRIGHT! (He unties his shoes and grudgingly pulls them off his feet.) Carl: (Picks up the shoes and holds them up) I will hold these for you. They certainly are a fine pair of shoes, sir! Sir has excellent taste! Mr. Porter: (irritably) Thanks! (Carl continues to stand there) Well? Carl: One more thing, sir� Mr. Porter: What? Carl: Sir is wearing business socks, I assume? Dress socks? Mr. Porter: Yes, of course! Carl: Well, sir, as you can see our floors are very well polished. We cannot take the slightest chance that sir might fall while walking. A law suit would ruin us! Mr. Porter: So? Carl: Well, sir, it IS the law, sir. I must have your socks as well� Mr. Porter: (starting to stand up in anger) MY SOCKS!!! Do you realize who I am?! I am James Porter, vice president of Cabot, Everett and Shlemon, one of the city�s largest investment firms! Carl: SIR! PLEASE! Everyone is looking! Please comply with our rules, sir. Mr. Porter: This is outrageous! I can�t sit here in my bare feet! I have an important meeting � VERY important! Carl: Sir, please, it is the LAW! Mr. Porter: (in exasperation) FINE! You want my socks? Here are my socks! (He reaches under his cuffs and pulls off his black socks) Now I�m barefoot! ME! Are you satisfied. Carl: (takes the socks) Armani, and silk! I should have known that a well-dressed gentleman like yourself would wear socks of such outstanding quality. Please understand that this is necessary, sir! Mr. Porter: (visibly embarrassed by the contrast between his suit and his bare feet, tries unsuccessfully to hide them) Just leave me alone. (Carl leaves and then returns thirty seconds later) Carl: Sir, I�there has been another complaint about you. Mr. Porter: (wearily) ANOTHER complaint. (more annoyed) Who are these people who are so irritated by me! (He suddenly puts his bare feet on the table) Are my feet squeaking now? (comes to his senses) What am I doing? (puts his feet down) Carl: (laughs artificially) On NO, sir! It�s your tie, your necktie, sir. Mr. Porter: What about my necktie? Carl: No fewer then three people have complained about it. The color, sir. They don�t like it. They will leave if you don�t� Mr. Porter: Don�t what? Why should I care if someone doesn�t like my necktie? Carl: Sir, these are regular customers�I MUST INSIST that your remove your necktie. It is�rather garish�and of course the matching pocket handkerchief as well� Mr. Porter: GARISH! This is a Hermes two hundred dollar tie!! It is yellow silk. It matches my suit and my red suspenders! I will NOT take it off! Carl: Sir, your belligerence is so extreme that I might easily have you arrested. And I was not aware that you were wearing suspenders, sir. I am afraid we have had very bad luck with them; they are strictly prohibited. Some diners have found their digestion impeded, and naturally we can�t have that. Mr. Porter: That is absolutely ridiculous. Who do you think you are?! Carl: (hands a written form to Mr. Porter) As you can see, sir� Mr. Porter: (shoulders sagging, stands up) My tie, my suspenders, my pocket handkerchief�(he unties his tie and tiepin and takes them off, takes out his pocket handkerchief, and reaches into his suit to unbutton his suspenders, which he pulls out from inside his suit). Carl: (taking all the items) THANK you, sir, for your cooperation! Mr. Porter: Please, please, just leave me alone. (His dignity and bearing are starting to disappear, as Carl leaves, only to return immediately. This time, Mr. Porter looks at him with real fear) Carl: Sir, I�this is a new regulation. No business suits without neckties. I�m very, very sorry, sir! Mr. Porter: (exhausted) What? WHAT? Carl: You are wearing a business suit, sir? Mr. Porter: OBVIOUSLY. Carl: Well, sir, neckties are ALWAYS required with business suits in our restaurant! ALWAYS! Mr. Porter: But you TOOK AWAY my NECKTIE! Carl: Sir, please. Mr. Porter: What am I supposed to do? I�m meeting my friends�Can I borrow a necktie from someone, ANYONE!!!! (He looks around) Carl: Sir, PLEASE! I simply CANNOT have you harassing the other customers! I DO have a solution! (He pulls out a large brown bag) Sir can trade his business suit for this! Mr. Porter: Trade my business suit! You mean TAKE OFF MY SUIT! (looks in the bag and slowly pulls out the contents) This�this looks like a jumpsuit! A�a janitor�s uniform!!!! I am wearing a three thousand dollar Armani suit! You expect me trade this expensive designer suit for THIS! Carl: Yes, sir! Isn�t it lucky that our janitor is not working today!! Mr. Porter: But�but..I have a meeting! It�s so important, I can�t possibly� Carl: It is OUR RULE, SIR! Mr. Porter: (gives up completely) Alright�(slowly, in shock, takes off his suit jacket, his cufflinks and his white shirt and Carl takes them) Carl: (holding up a tablecloth in front of the table) PLEASE be discreet, sir. Mr. Porter: (takes off his suit trousers) Here�( takes the janitor�s uniform) Carl: (placing the suit on a hanger) Armani! THANK you, sir! Oh, and here are flip-flops and the hat to go with it. (Carl starts to pull an orange cap on to Mr. Porter�s head) Mr. Porter: (dressed as a janitor, holding his head in his hands) Go�go away�NOW! No HAT!! (he struggles for a moment with Carl when Mr. Everett, Mister Porter�s CEO, walks in) Mr. Everett: James! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!!! Where are your clothes? Why are you doing this! Mr. Porter: My boss! Please, sir, it�s all a mistake! Tell him! (he looks pleadingly at the waiter) Carl: Sir was acting up, and we HAVE had a hard time� Mr. Everett: You are fired, James, and I can assure you that you will never work in this business again! (storms out) Mr. Porter: (utterly defeated) Why�why� Carl: (totally different tone) You�re out of a job, huh, pal? Well, it just so happens you�re in luck! We need a janitor and we need one bad! Now get those flip-flops on and we�ll hire you! Mr. Porter: A janitor! Me! Carl: Come on Jimmy! No more SIR for you! (Carl drags a bucket and a mop out from the side and Mr, Porter now Jimmy, is reconciled to his fate) Hank: (walks on) You DID it! (shakes his head) There�s gotta be an easier way to hire a janitor.
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