Mcdaniel's INT. McDANIEL’S. MORNING CREW is sitting around for a meeting. MICKEY Well, as you all well know, we have a diversity quota to meet. Being as it is we are in a small Podunk town, it is difficult to find that diversity. However, I am pleased to announce that I have found the perfect employee to help us meet that quota. (stands) Now, don’t stare. Just act normal. BRANDY We’re not stupid. MICKEY goes off camera into another part of the restaurant, we hear a door open. MICKEY Okay, you can come in now, Clarissa. MICKEY comes back over to where the staff is sitting. We see him standing looking off to another part of the restaurant. MICKEY Come on over and meet the morning crew. LONG AWKWARD PAUSE. MICKEY They’re just right around this little wall, Clarissa. That’s a girl. AWKWARD PAUSE. CLARISSA comes around the corner; she is in an electrical wheelchair she controls with a small joystick. She speaks through an electrical voice box on her throat. MICKEY Everyone meet, Clarissa. CLARISSA Hello, I am Clarissa. WIDE-SHOT of MORNING CREW, THEY ALL STARE. CUT. OPENING CREDITS. EXT. McDANIEL’S, DAYTIME. CLARISSA VO Two Cokes, water and one sweetened ice tea. No lemon. INT. WAITRESS STATION. BRANDY is looking at CLARISSA who has a tray fixed to her wheelchair. BRANDY No, I can’t help you. I have my own tables to wait on. CLARISSA Two Cokes, water and one sweetened ice tea. No lemon. BRANDY I can’t. CLARISSA Please. BRANDY No. BRANDY walks off with some drinks for a table. CLARISSA Skank. INT. MICKEY’S OFFICE. NATALIE is speaking with MICKEY. NATALIE It’s so wrong. She can’t do anything except drive that stupid wheelchair and she’s even slow at that. MICKEY Gotta meet my quota, Natalie. NATALIE Fine, I know, but hire someone that can actually do something. MICKEY Aren’t you sounding a little prejudice, Natalie? NATALIE No, it’s not that. It’s just that you run a business; you can’t be hiring people that don’t do the work. MICKEY What do you care anyway? You’re a driver. FLASH. INT. DISHWASHING AREA. NATALIE has piles of dishes and is washing dishes like crazy. ENTER CLARISSA with a stack of dishes on her mounted tray, when she stops near the sinks all the dishes slide off and crash on the ground near NATALIE’S feet with the exception of one plate. CLARISSA I have dishes. NATALIE Yep. CLARISSA Take it. NATALIE What? CLARISSA Take the plate. NATALIE reluctantly removes the plate. CLARISSA turns and starts driving away; NATALIE leans over and starts picking up the mess. CLARISSA Dumb blonde. NATALIE I can hear you, you can’t whisper, ya know? CLARISSA Bite me. FLASH. INT. MICKEY’S OFFICE. NATALIE I have my reasons. Besides, all the other waiters and waitresses are having to pick up her slack. MICKEY Everyone always starts off slow. She’ll get into her groove. NATALIE Oh, suck it up, Clarissa is a horrible waitress. Just as NATALIE says this, CLARISSA enters the office. CLARISSA (crying) I am trying my best. I’m only human. I’m not in the shape I use to be, but I’m doing my best. MICKEY Natalie! Now, look at what you’ve done. MICKEY goes over and hugs, CLARISSA. MICKEY Shame on you. NATALIE How did you sneak up on me?! MICKEY Stop it, Natalie, just leave. Haven’t you done enough? NATALIE grunts and leaves the office. MICKEY It’s alright, Clarissa, don’t cry. She doesn’t understand what it’s like. I understand. CLARISSA How? MICKEY Well— CLARISSA Are you disabled, too? MICKEY No, no. Not exactly. I just… I just do. I feel as though we are kindred spirits you and I. I feel a bond. Don’t you feel it, Clarissa? CLARISSA I don’t feel anything, sir. All my nerves are dead. MICKEY Oh, right. Well, I feel it, Clarissa. I feel it. And, I’ll feel it for both of us, okay? CLARISSA Okay. MICKEY Right. INT. BREAK TABLE. NATALIE and BRANDY are taking a break. BRANDY The little tramp. NATALIE Yeah. BRANDY I mean she is just stupid. NATALIE Yeah. BRANDY She’s so stupid that I can’t even… she’s rude! She’s rude! She has no respect, she just bosses you around from that mobile throne of hers. I just, I… I just can’t… Argh, it’s sickening! I just—oh, I can’t stand it! NATALIE Okay… BRANDY That stupid… stupid… I wanna say so many things, but it would be so wrong. (beat) I wanna break it. I wanna break that little, electrical vocalizer thingy. I just wanna break it off and shove it down her throat! Then, I wanna tie her legs and arms in a knott! Then, just laugh. Just sit back and look at her and then laugh. Just laugh my head off. NATALIE Can you stop, please? You’re scaring me. BRANDY That little… that… stupid tramp! ARHGH! I’m saying it. I’m gonna say it. I am gonna say it. She’s retarded. She’s a retard. She, is a retard. NATALIE Oh, stop it. She’s not a retard and she’s not a tramp either. Take it easy. BRANDY You don’t have to work with her like I have to work with her. And, oh, do I work with her. No, wait, correction! FOR HER. I work for her. She tells me what to do and it just… it just… it’s too much. I can’t take it. (beat) Tramp. NATALIE We have got to get her fired. (beat) Okay, I have no clue how to get a disabled person fired. How does that work, exactly? BRANDY It doesn’t. You don’t. They just leave of their own free will. NATALIE Well, then that’s it. We’ll just annoy her so much that she’ll want to leave. BRANDY Yeah, right! She loves it here. NATALIE Why? BRANDY Because she does nothing and gets paid for it! Plus, there’s no threat of being fired. There’s no downside. Where else is she gonna find that? NATALIE It’s like… it’s like she’s management. BRANDY Oh, that’s sick. That is a sick thought. Shame on you for putting it in my head. NATALIE Sorry, that was bad. BRANDY Its okay, I’ll forgive you tomorrow. NATALIE There has to be something, though. Everybody has their limit. Everybody has their buttons. We just gotta find ‘em and push ‘em like crazy. BRANDY Yeah, well, mine are broken. INT. WAITRESS STATION. NATALIE walks up to CLARISSA. NATALIE So, Clarissa… what do you hate most in life? CLARISSA (without hesitation) Lesbians. RIDICULOUSLY LONG AND AWKWARD PAUSE. NATALIE bats her eyes during this, CLARISSA sits silent. NATALIE So… what else do you dislike? INT. BREAK TABLE. BRANDY and NATALIE are conspiring. NATALIE Crock pots and track meets and/or marathons. BRANDY That’s it? That’s nothing. How do you work with that? NATALIE Well, there’s one more thing. The big one. The one thing she hates most. BRANDY Come on, out with it. NATALIE Don’t—don’t say that. BRANDY Okay? What is it? NATALIE Lesbians. BRANDY Lesbians?! NATALIE Lesbians. BRANDY Lesbians? NATALIE Lesbians. BRANDY Lesbians. NATALIE (sighs) Lesbians. AWKWARD PAUSE. BRANDY and NATALIE both take sips of their sodas. BRANDY (long sigh) Lesbians. INT. COUNTER. BRANDY comes in the front doors with a gift, wrapped and everything. BRANDY Good morning, Clarissa! It’s a beautiful McDay, isn’t it Clarissa? (giggles) This sun is just shining and it’s just so beautiful, wouldn’t you say Clarissa? CLARISSA The sun irritates my skin. SLIGHT AWKWARDNESS. BRANDY Well, that’s jus too bad, ain’t it? I gotta surprise for you! Sets the gift on her tray. BRANDY Go on, open it! CLARISSA Idiot. BRANDY Oh, yeah, my bad! (giggles, the grabs gift) Let me get that for ya! (opens gift, it’s a crock pot) Ooh! A crock pot! I just love crock pots! And it’s all yours, Clarissa! From me to you! It sure is great having you here, Clarissa! CLARISSA Keep it. CLARISSA turns around and drives away. BRANDY is annoyed. INT. KITCHEN. NATALIE comes running in sweat, running shoes, running clothes, etc. NATALIE runs in place through majority of this scene. NATALIE Hey-ya, Clarissa! CLARISSA I hate you. NATALIE I’m getting ready to go run the marathon. Well, sorta, ya know to help find a cure for cancer! I’m pumped! During the following speech NATALIE’S face will slowly be overtaken with joyous glee. CLARISSA Why can’t they have a marathon for people like me? It irritates me to no end. I am so angry. I want to kill someone. You make me sick. I hate you. I hate all people like you. It vexes me. CLOSE-UP of NATALIE’S face. The “Hallelujah” song begins to play. NATALIE VOICE OVER There is a god. CLARISSA OFF-SCREEN Oh, well. MUSIC scratches and halts, NATALIE loses her concentration. NATALIE Huh? CUT to WIDE of the TWO. CLARISSA Win some. Lose some. CLARISSA drives off. NATALIE is let down. EXT. BRANDY AND NATALIE’S APARTMENT—NIGHT. NATALIE VO She’s so passive. INT. BRANDY AND NATALIE’S LIVING ROOM. NATALIE It makes me sick. BRANDY Stupid tramp! NATALIE Knock it off. BRANDY Sorry. PAUSE. NATALIE So… you with me on this or not? BRANDY (sighs) I guess. NATALIE You guess? BRANDY Has it come to this? NATALIE Yes, it has come to this. PAUSE. BRANDY (sighs) Retard. NATALIE Brandy— BRANDY Sorry. INT. WAITRESS STATION—NEXT MORNING. NATALIE and BRANDY walk up to CLARISSA. BRANDY Morning, Clarissa. CLARISSA Your mom sucks. NATALIE So, have we told you? CLARISSA Told me what? NATALIE turns and looks at BRANDY who then turns and looks at her. BRANDY looks absolutely disgusted, NATALIE looks absolutely scared. NATALIE reaches her arm around BRANDY’S shoulder, BRANDY looks away in disgust, she then slowly puts her arm around NATALIE’S side and pulls her a little bit closer, BUT they do NOT touch. THEY BOTH turn and look to CLARISSA. NATALIE starts convulsing. NATALIE We’re lesbians. (gasps, in a dry heave sounding way) CLARISSA You lie. BRANDY Nope. We’re lovers… aren’t we… honey? NATALIE gasps again and shivers. NATALIE Yeah, sure are… babe. (shivers) CLARISSA I don’t believe you. Prove it. BRANDY What? CLARISSA Prove it. NATALIE and BRANDY slowly turn and look at each other. BOTH Prove it? CLARISSA Kiss. CUT to CLOSE-UP of CLARISSA, in white letters it says “30 SECONDS LATER”. CLARISSA Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick. I quit. I can’t work with lesbians. Nasty. Sick. Shame on you. CLARISSA starts to driving OFF-CAMERA, but then stops and comes back. CLARISSA No. I think I’ll stay I like it here. Even if there are lesbians. CLARISSA then continues to drive off again. CUT to a wide shot of NATALIE and BRANDY. BRANDY is at the sinks washing out her mouth. NATALIE stares at CLARISSA as she has driven OFF-CAMERA. She is in awe and shock. NATALIE She’s casual, she’s cruel. She’s casually cruel. And what’s worse, I don’t think she even knows. BRANDY grunts and moans as she scrubs and spits. NATALIE walks off to the DRIVER’S WASH AREA. She walks up to her first sink which is full of soapy, hot water. She dips her head in and moves it around splashing water everywhere. Then, she pulls her head out, walks to the middle sink and rinses. Then, she goes to the last sink and sanitizes. She does all of this with a deadpan look on her face. INT. DINNING ROOM. CLOSE-UP of CLARISSA. CLARISSA And then he said, “I feel it, Clarissa. I feel it. And, I’ll feel it for both of us, okay?” CUT to a WIDE-SHOT, the CAMERA positioned behind CLARISSA, she speaks to a booth full of COPS. THE COPS are all staring at her in disbelief of what they just heard. CLARISSA What? Why are you staring at me like that? That is what he said. INT. RESTAURANT—MORNING. MICKEY comes in wearing a suit and walks to the BREAK TABLE. NATALIE and BRANDY are sitting at the table. NATALIE So, how did it go? MICKEY She was an entirely different person. You know you think you get to know someone, then this! She was rude, cruel— BRANDY Casual? MICKEY Very casual. (sighs) What a tramp. NATALIE AND BRANDY Amen. (clanking sodas) MICKEY Well, now I’ll be paying her way for the rest of my life. She’ll never have to work a day again in her life, that’s for sure. NATALIE and BRANDY glare at MICEKY. MICKEY What? NATALIE Never mind. MICKEY Well, I gotta put out the old ad. BRANDY What? MICKEY Gotta meet my quota. THE END. END CREDITS. “STAY WITH ME” by FACES plays during credits, starting here: “So, in the morning please don’t say you love me. ‘Cuz you know I’ll only kick you out the door.”
Copyright © 2006 Nathan Weaver |