Secret Asian Man (1) EXT, The Grand National Bank of Switzerland, night. A figure lurks in the shadows. It is Diamonique a short man barely three feet tall. He wears a goggle-like apparatus that extends about three inches in front of his eyes, suspended by a single rod that is screwed into a chrome socket embedded in his forehead. He holds a joystick. A gleaming black limo is parked nearby. The rear passenger window descends open and a small levitating object appears and hovers momentarily. It is shaped like a silvery, flattened boomerang......a flying wing. Diamonique controls the wing with his joystick. As it passes in front of him, he turns and opens the oversized mail slot in the bank doors and the wing glides silently into the dark building. A minuscule camera mounted in the craft enables him to monitor its progress via his forehead mounted goggles. INT, Bank lobby, ( alternate w/Diamonique�s POV through goggles ), night. He guides it through the plush facility, past the security cameras and up a spiral staircase that encircles a fantastic, crystal chandelier. Once upstairs, the wing continues its progress until it finds its goal; a secret vault. The wing halts its advance and a small bay door opens. A retractable arm deploys a tiny steel straw that bellows out a tremendous smoke screen, revealing a lattice work of narrow, red, security beams. The craft retracts its arm and maneuvers through the web of beams to the vault door. It projects four tiny dots of blue light onto the door. Suddenly, the dots are joined together with thin blue rays forming a small rectangular pattern on the door. The blue rectangle intensifies to white and vaporizes a hole in the steel door. The wing deploys a tiny, bright spotlight and proceeds into the vault. It glides through the vault past numerous treasures of untold value, until it comes to a small wall safe at the far end. It vaporizes another smoldering hole in the wall safe and shines its light inside, revealing dozens of perfect, white diamonds scattered on a bed of black velvet and one enormous blue diamond on a display base that reads; The Alpine Azure. Using its robotic arm, the wing retrieves the Alpine Azure into its cargo bay, completely ignoring the other diamonds. It retraces its route back to the waiting Diamonique who gently catches it and tucks it under one arm. He walks to the limo, detaching his eyegear along the way. The rear passenger door opens and Diamonique hands the wing over to outstretched, gloved hands. Diamonique closes the door and goes around to the driver�s seat and gets in. They drive to the end of the curb and stop. The sun roof opens and deploys a large laser cannon. With one big, blue blast it disintegrates the entire front of the building in an explosion of blue sparks and smoke. The limo speeds off. EXT, town square - Venice/Italy, daybreak. Muffled sound of telephone ringing from inside a nearby apartment breaks the serenity. Pan up from a large upturned cannon in the square to a 3rd floor balcony. INT, studio apartment, daytime. Super sleuth, Alfredo Linguine awakens under a mountain of covers and pillows on a king size bed. Linguine ( w/thick Italian accent ) : Neeko! Answer the phone...........Neeko, my slovenly, slant eyed servant! Answer the phone. Must I do everything myself? An arm extends from under another pile of covers on the adjacent roll away bed and picks up the telephone receiver from the nightstand between the two. Neeko ( w/heavy Japanese accent ) : Helro.......Yes, this is residence of Rieutenant Arfredo Ruigi Ringuine.... Linguine : Of Interpol! Neeko : Whatever. What........headquarters?! Yes, he right here. It for you boss, headquarters. Linguine : Rome? Neeko: No Rondon. Linguine : London? Mama Mia, give me that phone idiot! ( taking phone ) Yes, it is I, Lieutenant Alfredo Luigi Linguine,at your service. Si.......but of course. Si, yes.........certainly. Someone is stealing rare blue diamonds from all over the world? Who would do such a thing............. Well he must be stopped, the vile mooncalf! .....Si, of course I will be proud to take the case. Carrier parrot? You are sending a large cache of rare blue diamonds to me for safekeeping by carrier parrot? You mean to say carrier pigeon, no? ....I see, the cache is too large for a pigeon, of course. I have just one question. What is a cache? Squawking noise rises from outside the balcony doors. Linguine : Momento, I hear a carrier parrot just now. ( opens the French door, steps to the balcony and looks up ) How clever, a blue parrot with a cache of blue diamonds. Suddenly, a small leather saddlebag hits him full in the face. Linguine : Mama Mia! Simpleton parrot! Linguine peels the small saddlebag from his face, looks up and shakes his fist as he swears at the unseen parrot. Bird droppings splatter Linguine�s face. The Parrot : Aaawk,...idiot. Linguine returns from the balcony and Neeko tries to wipe off the bird droppings with a sheet from the bed coverings. Linguine : Enough! Prepare my morning coffee. Linguine sits on a stool at the kitchenette island and examines the contents of the saddlebag. He opens one side and finds a letter marked orders and a wanted poster of the arch villain Nemisis. After a brief look, he sets them aside. He opens the other side of the bags and dumps out the contents. Hundreds of loose blue diamonds spill out onto the counter next to the sink. Many come to rest on his orders and some even fall into his lap and folds of his pajamas and robe. Neeko hurriedly dresses and makes the coffee. Linguine : Neeko, prepare my clothes. Neeko : Right away boss. Neeko goes into the walk-in closet, pulls down a hide-away ironing board and begins ironing. Linguine opens a cupboard under the sink and retrieves a briefcase marked spy kit. He lays the kit on the counter and opens it. He pulls out a number of miscellaneous items before finding what he is looking for. Each item is tagged and he names each one as if taking inventory as he places them on the counter. Linguine : Stethoscope, gun, finger print ink........ah, the diamond loop. Lieutenant Linguine presses the monocle to his eye and squints to hold it in place. The tag marked diamond loop dangles down his cheek. He takes a pair of tweezers from the spy kit ( also tagged ) and picks up one of the blue diamonds and views it through the loop. Lord Wayneright ( Chief Administrator of Interpol, London ) ( Muffled V.O.. telephone / proper British accent ) : Linguine!...Linguine ,are you there, man! Linguine bumbles to pick up the phone while examining the diamond. He relaxes his squint on the diamond loop and it falls from his eye onto the fingerprint ink pad. Linguine : Si, si, I am here. Linguine places the diamond loop back on his eye and resumes his examination. He puts down the first diamond and ever so delicately tweezes a second. Lord Wayneright�s voice comes over the phone as they continue their conversation. Lord Wayneright/V.O. phone : Now Agent Linguine, in one side of the carrier parrot�s saddlebag, you will find your orders; instructions pertaining to this case, along with passwords and codes you will need to complete this mission. It is imperative that you memorize these passwords and codes and then destroy the letter..........Linguine? Linguine is engrossed with the diamonds. Lord Wayneright/V.O. phone : Linguine! Linguine : Si, yes, I am here! Lord Wayneright/V.O. phone : Lieutenant, do you understand? Linguine : Si, of course. Lord Wayneright/V.O. phone : Now then, in the other side of the saddlebag you will find a large cache of rare blue diamonds that we are entrusting to your guardianship. The arch villain, Nemisis is stealing all the known blue diamonds in the world. We don�t know why just yet. But, there can be no good end to it if Nemisis is involved. This then, is your mission: find Nemisis, determine what foul deeds he is up to, put an end to them and return the stolen diamonds to their rightful owners. Linguine : Of course, it will be my pleasure as a sworn agent of Interpol. Lord Wayneright/V.O. phone : Excellent. We are sending a crack team to collect you. They will be there shortly. Whatever you do, guard those diamonds with your life. They are nearly priceless. Some of them are worth over one million American dollars each. With that statement, the diamond that Linguine is examining pops out of the tweezers, bounces around the sink basin and falls down the drain. The diamond loop also falls, revealing a black circle of fingerprint ink around his eye. It comes to a rest on the orders. Lord Wayneright/V.O. phone : Linguine,........Linguine, is everything all right? The blundering Linguine tries to retrieve the diamond and gets his finger stuck in the drain. Lord Wayneright/V.O. phone : ..........Linguine?..........Linguine? Linguine struggles to pick up the receiver with his free hand. Linguine : Yes, I am here. Lieutenant Linguine tries to clinch the phone between his chin and shoulder while he struggles to free his finger. Clumsily, he drops the telephone and it bounces to the floor, out of reach. Lord Wayneright/V.O. phone : For heaven�s sake man, what�s happening? Linguine grunts as he tries to free himself from the drain. INT, Interpol command center/London, daytime. Lord Wayneright, Ms. Tittle, Professor Von Ludwig and a host of aides are assembled. Lieutenant Linguine�s grunts are transmitting over the speaker phone. Wayneright : Lieutenant, is everything all right? Have you encountered the enemy? INT, Linguine�s apartment, daytime. Linguine : Do not worry. I have everything under control! At this instant his orders start to smolder from a ray of light magnified through the diamond loop. They burst into flames! Linguine : ( gasps ) Help! Fire! Help! INT, Interpol command center, daytime. Linguine/V.O. speaker phone : Help! Help! Lord Wayneright : Linguine�s in distress! Get the team in there immediately! INT, Linguine�s apartment, daytime. Linguine frantically grabs up the flaming document and diamonds scatter. More fall into the sink. The flaming orders fall to the floor. He scoops up the remaining piles of stones and puts them into his robe pockets for safe keeping. He tries to stamp out the fire, but can�t reach it. He turns on the faucet with his free hand and tries to splash water onto the burning paper; no good. Linguine : Neeko, help! We are on fire! Neeko pokes his head out of the closet, sees the dilemma and rushes to his master�s aid. He calmly picks up the paper and holds it under the running faucet. Linguine : Don�t just stand there idiot, get me out of this sink! Neeko goes to work on the stuck finger. INT, hall outside Linguine�s apartment, daytime. The Interpol SWAT team is just arriving. 1st Team Member ( into walkie-talkie ) : A-squad....in position. Commence operation Rescue and Deliver. EXT, rooftop of Linguine�s apartment, daytime. There is a waiting helicopter in the background, rotor turning. Rooftop Team Member ( into walkie-talkie ) : Roger, commence operation. He tosses repel line over the edge of the roof and begins his descent. INT, Linguine�s apartment, daytime. Neeko is still struggling to free Alfredo Linguine from the sink drain. He puts him in a choke hold and tugs and pulls, nearly decapitating him in the process. As they tussle, more diamonds scatter. Some fall into the folds and cuffs of Neeko�s clothes. Linguine : Idiot mooncalf, are you trying to kill me?! Neeko : Don�t worry boss, I�ve got you. Suddenly, with a classic judo move, Neeko rolls backward to the floor, flipping Linguine over him. POP! Linguine�s finger pops free but the force of the flip sends him crashing through the French doors and over the balcony railing. Linguine : Neeko-o-o-o...... EXT, view from the square outside Linguine�s apartment, daytime. Linguine free falls to the square below and feet first into the muzzle of the large upturned cannon. Wedged in he can�t move or escape. Neeko runs to the railing and looks down. Neeko : Uh-oh. INT, Linguine�s apartment, daytime. Eyes wide, Neeko runs back inside and closes the doors behind him and leans back against them as if to protect himself from his fuming master. Neeko : Now I realry in trouble. EXT, Linguine�s apartment bldg., daytime. The team member repels down the building and swings toward the balcony. INT, Linguine�s apartment, daytime. The repelling team member crashes through the French doors knocking Neeko into the arms of the other team members who are simultaneously bursting through the front door. They grab Lieutenant Linguine�s trench coat and hat from the coat rack and put them on the stunned valet. 1st Team Member : Come with us. CU/Neeko ; his eyes widen. INT, a gleaming stainless steel corridor at Interpol Headquarters/London., daytime. The rescue team hurriedly escorts Neeko down the corridor. They pass an elderly janitor who is sweeping with a push broom and a stray, blue diamond falls from the folds of Neeko�s garments. Neeko and the team forge on in oblivion. The janitor picks it up. He just happens to have a diamond loop in his pocket, so he examines the stone. Janitor : ( clicking his heels ) Yahoo! INT, a lobby inside Interpol Headquarters, daytime. The glass double doors burst open and the rescue team hands Neeko over to two stone faced plain clothes agents. They are wearing dark suits, dark glasses and I.D. tags. Agent Becker : Agent Linguine? Neeko hesitates, shifting his eyes from agent to agent as if looking for the correct response in their faces. Becker and Nance exchange a curious look. Agent Nance : I get it. You�re incognito. Disguised as an Asian, right? Neeko : ( after a thoughtful pause ) Exactree, very observant of you. Obviousree you are wellr trained. Agents Becker and Nance each grab an arm and briskly lead Neeko through another door. Agent Nance : Not a bad disguise old chap. Accent needs work, though. Agent Becker : Say wouldn�t it be funny if this wasn�t really Linguine? Agent Nance : Not Linguine? ( They all laugh. ) We�d have to kill him you know. I don�t think that�s funny at all. How about you Lieutenant.... They come to a another closed door. Nance turns abruptly and faces Neeko nose to nose. Agent Nance : ( finishing his sentence ) ....do you find that amusing? Neeko : ( swallows hard ) No! That not funny! ( then addressing Agent Becker in the best Italian accent he can muster ) Mooncalf comedian! INT, high tech complex, daytime. Becker and Nance open the door and enter with Neeko. Technicians in lab coats are working on various projects and experiments. Lord Wayneright, Professor Von Ludwig and Ms. Tittle await the newcomers in the center of the complex. A cute, young, petite, oriental woman waits with them, Agent Asia. Becker and Nance march Neeko straight up to Lord Wayneright. Lord Wayneright : Well done gentlemen. That will be all. Becker and Nance make an about face and obediently make their exit. Agent Becker : Strange fellow, that Linguine. Agent Nance : Well he is Italian you know. Lord Wayneright : ( surprised to see a Japanese man before him ) Lieutenant Linguine? Neeko : Si, of course. I am Agent Rieutenant Arfredo Ruigi Ringuine. But then who else could I be. Nobody, this much is obvious. Mama Mia! Lord Wayneright : Sorry, I thought you were Italian. Professor Von Ludwig ( German accent ) : He talks Italian....sort of. Neeko : Of course I am Itarian. I am creveree disguise as Asian. Japanese to be precise. Lord Wayneright : Of course and a clever disguise it is. I commend you. Accent needs work though. At any rate, it is indeed an honor to finally meet you, sir. We�ve heard a lot about you from our Rome office..... ( clears throat ) Allow me to introduce myself. Lord Wayneright, Chief Administrative Officer of Interpol, Europe. Code name, #1. Neeko : ee-CHEE! ( number 1 ) Professor Ludwig : Gesundheit. Lord Wayneright : If we may continue. Inspector, it is my great pleasure to introduce you to one of the finest research and developmental minds in the business, Professor Hans Von Ludwig. Neeko : ( bowing ) Professor Rudewrig. Professor Ludwig : That�s Ludwig, good sir. Neeko : Rudewrig. Professor Ludwig: Ludwig! Ludwig! Neeko : That is what I say. ( then to Lord Wayneright ) I thought you say he have brilriant mind. Professor Ludwig rolls his eyes in surrender and Ms. Tittle smirks. Lord Wayneright : Indeed,...let me also introduce the lovely Asia. Asia is one of our brightest junior operatives. She will be assisting you on this case. Neeko�s eyes light up at the beautiful Asia. He bows. Neeko : Most preased to meet you, Asian Agent Asia. The demure Asia smiles and looks down, batting her eyelashes shyly. Asia : It�s an honor Lieutenant Linguine, I�ve heard and read so much about you. If I may say so, you are my idol, sir. Lord Wayneright : Follow me please, Lieutenant. We are somewhat pressed for time. They come to two technicians testing a car ejection seat. The first technician flips a toggle switch on his lap top keyboard and the roof pops off of a Mercedes. The second tech depresses a button on his panel and the driver�s seat ejects. Curious, Neeko stops to observe. Lord Wayneright beckons to him. Lord Wayneright : Come along Linguine. Time is of the essence you know. Next they pass three technicians working on a robotic mannequin. They are testing arm and hand movements with a remote control. Again, Neeko falls behind, intrigued by the robot. Resting his hands in the pockets of his trenchcoat he finds a magnifying glass. He takes it out and pretends to inspect the robot. Lord Wayneright : (thinking Neeko is still with the group ) ....and I think you�ll agree that our research and development center is the height of free world technology. But, do try to keep up...........Lieutenant? Professor Ludwig : Ah, there he is. Oh, but he does have an inquisitive mind. Very important virtue in an agent, I always say. He looks like a child in a candy store. Let him savor the moment. Lord Wayneright : ( going back for Neeko ) I�m afraid we�ve no time for savoring, Professor. Neeko is bending over, examining the control console. His back is turned to the robot. As his group arrives, he depresses a button on the console. Instantly the robot�s arm is activated. In a flash, it reaches between Neeko�s legs and latches onto his crotch from behind. From their POV Wayneright and the others can�t see exactly what is going on. Neeko squirms to wriggle free and grimacing, he bites his lip. Prancing in pain, Neeko turns to reveal his predicament. Wayneright�s eyes widen in surprise and then narrow together in a look of disdain. Ms. Tittle : ( to Ludwig ) That�s disgusting. Wayneright and Asia grapple with the robot in an effort to free Neeko. Professor Ludwig : I don�t know, speaking as a scientist, I find robotic relationships much less worrisome and complicated than human interconnection. Many is the time that I myself..........never mind. As Neeko is finally liberated, Ludwig leads the exodus in order to put some distance between Ms. Tittle and himself. Neeko holds his buttocks and gingerly limps along as everyone hurries to catch up to the professor. Neeko : Idiot robot. Professor Ludwig : It does my heart good, Lieutenant Linguine, to see a constable so interested in my inventions. So many of our own operatives ( looking at Wayneright ) take my work for granted. Wayneright rolls his eyes at Ms. Tittle. She smirks. They reach their destination, an area of the complex with a group of eager lab techs waiting to help Professor Ludwig demonstrate his latest creations. Professor Ludwig : I hope you will be pleased with the little gems I have produced for your mission. First is a little ditty I call Weld Tight. It looks like an ordinary lipstick but unscrew the bottom to reveal the tiny dropper. One drop of this incredible liquid will bond any two metals together, quite instantly and quite permanently. Here, see for yourself. Ludwig hands the tube of Weld Tight to Neeko. One of the technicians, seated at a stainless steel work bench holds two metal plates. Neeko : Ingenious. Neeko aims the tube over one of the metal plates. Nothing happens. He squeezes gently. Still nothing. Squeezing harder, he lightly shakes the tube. Nothing. Professor Ludwig : Here, allow me. Neeko : No, prease. Not necessary. Finally Neeko gives the Weld Tight one great shake and squeeze. At the same time he slaps it with the palm of his hand sending a big blob of the stuff all over the lab tech�s hand. With a puff of smoke the poor man�s hand is instantly attached to the metal plate via his wedding band. Trying to help out, Neeko only makes things worse. He knocks the other metal plate onto the mess making a metal sandwich with the technicians hand in the middle. Finally, the whole conglomeration is welded to the steel lab bench. Lord Wayneright takes the tube of Weld Tight out of Neeko�s hand and gives it to Asia. Lord Wayneright : Perhaps it would be best if Agent Asia carries the Weld Tight. Neeko : Of course....after allr, how would it rook for a macho man as myself to be seen with ripstick. The other technicians come to their cohort�s aid. Lord Wayneright : Ludwig, do you have the solvent? Professor Ludwig : There is none. We�ll have to cut him loose. It should prove to be quite delicate. Neeko : Maybe I can helrp. Lord Wayneright : You�ve done enough already, Linguine. That is to say, we have more important things for you to concern yourself with. Professor Ludwig : Yes, our staff is quite capable of cleaning up this little accident. I hope. Professor Ludwig : ( leading them to the next station ) The next item in our little shop of horrors is the secret pen. Neeko : Secret pen? Professor Ludwig : Yes, you see, it looks like any ordinary ball point pen. But, depress the clicker and vio�la, out pops the hidden hypodermic needle. It is filled with sleeping serum. ( Ludwig disarms the pen and hands it to Neeko ) One quick jab and you have effectively disabled your adversary for up to eight hours. At any rate, be quite certain of your target before you strike. ( as Neeko reaches inside his trench coat and secures the pen in his shirt pocket ) Reaction to the serum is instantaneous. Neeko winks and pats his shirt pocket in a gesture of confidence. CLICK! Neeko�s knees buckle under him and he falls in a heap! Asia : Oh, dear. Tittle can�t contain herself. She bursts into a fit of laughter plopping down on a lab stool. Professor Ludwig : Antidote. Lab Assistant : ( slapping a syringe into Ludwig�s hand in operating room fashion ) Antidote! The professor revives Neeko with an injection of antidote but he is still groggy and has severe double vision. Wayneright and Asia help Neeko to his feet. From Neeko�s POV there are two of everyone. Asia : Are you okay, Lieutenant Linguine? Neeko : Hey, that pretty coolr, NEE ee-CHEE. ( two #1�s ) Neeko reaches for Lord Wayneright�s face, misses and falls flat on his face. Ms. Tittle breaks into another round of laughter. Lord Wayneright : Tittle! Contain yourself. Again, Lord Wayneright and Asia help Neeko to his feet. They dislodge the histerical Ms. Tittle from her stool and help Neeko sit. Ms. Tittle puts her hand over her mouth as if that will somehow contain her involuntary giggling. Lord Wayneright : Ms. Tittle! Ms. Tittle : ( between laughs ) Sorry, I�m sorry. Lord Wayneright : You there, bring the lieutenant some coffee, the blacker the better. One of the technicians gets a carafe from a nearby break area and pours the coffee into a paper cup. He hands it to Asia, who in turn gives it to Neeko. Neeko chugs it down and tosses the paper cup over his shoulder and onto the floor. The technician pours a second cup and Neeko drinks it down as well. Professor Ludwig : Now then Agent Linguine, if you are ready to proceed, the next device I have conceived for you is a tube of lip balm. Like chapstick, but filled with the same potent sleeping serum. Ludwig hands the small tube to Neeko. It is identical to a chapstick, complete with logo and everything. Neeko examines it through blurred vision. Professor Ludwig : Just the thing for those pesky, female operatives who will no doubt throw themselves at you in an effort to coherse information. Simply apply it to your lips, ( Neeko does so ) and with one kiss you instantly quell the harlot�s advances. Tight shot of Ludwig leaves Neeko out of the frame. Professor Ludwig : Of course whatever you do, don�t lick your li.... BLAM! Ludwig whinces and turns around to find Neeko passed out on the floor once more. Neeko�s tongue is protruding from his mouth, frozen in a licking motion.
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Copyright © 1999 Tony Mossor |