The Many Aunties Of Jimmy Mcganty PRINCIPAL PETERS: Miss Demeanor, Jimmy McGanty--- my office--- now! JIMMY: Good morning, Principal Peters--- PRINCIPAL PETERS: ---I don’t like you, Jimmy. JIMMY: I know. PRINCIPAL PETERS: Miss Demeanor, send in Ms. McGanty, please. JIMMY: Hi, mom! MS. MCGANTY: That’s enough, Jimmy! What has he done this time? PRINCIPAL PETERS: I’m afraid that Jimmy pantsed the lunch lady, Ms. Salisbury. MS. MCGANTY: Again? JIMMY: It was not my fault!--- PRINCIPAL PETERS: ---You shut your sasshole! It’s clear to me that the only choice we have left is to expel your son. JIMMY: But it’s the last day of school! PRINCIPAL PETERS: That’s right! It is your last day! JIMMY: You can’t do that! PRINCIPAL PETERS: Yes--- I can….Expelled! MS. MCGANTY: I warned you, Jimmy ---another mess up like this and you were spending your summer with your Auntie in Idaho-- JIMMY: But Mom! MS. MCGANTY: Wait for me in the hallway. JIMMY: Hi, I’m Jimmy. Jimmy McGanty. I’m a good kid who’s always getting myself into trouble. I keep trying to explain, it’s not my fault. It’s because of my evil side--- JAMES: Grrr! JIMMY: That’s my evil side, James. JAMES: Grrr! I’m James! JIMMY: He’s always telling me to do bad things. JAMES: Kill the audience. JIMMY: James no! JAMES: Cleanse them with fire! JIMMY: Stop it, James! Thanks to you, we have to spend all summer in Idaho with my Auntie. JAMES: She’s crazy! JIMMY: No James, she used to be crazy. Mom said she takes pills now. JAMES: I call her--- Auntie Depressant. The Many Aunties of Jimmy McGanty An Original Performance JIMMY: (DING DONG - door creak SFX) Well, hello Auntie! AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: Oh, hello Jimmy! JIMMY: Hello, Auntie! It’s been a long time, you look--- JAMES: ---like a druggie. JIMMY: James! AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: I don’t like you, Jimmy. JIMMY: I know… AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: I was just finishing my after dinner pills. (pops pill) Want one? (hands JIMMY a bottle) JIMMY: (reading) Jeckyl-and-Hyde-acil for multiple personalities? JAMES: Don’t mind if I do. (pockets a pill) AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: Oops! Wrong one! (snatches pills back) Ah, it’s getting late. Time for my sleeping pills. Dose up and doze off. Oh I almost forgot--- your other Aunties room is down the hall; remember, SHE HATES PEOPLE! (smiles drowsily) Goodnight. (passes out - snores) JIMMY: Oh no! my other Auntie is staying here too? She hates people… JAMES: I call her--- Auntie Social. AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: (snoring) JIMMY: Wow, she’s out cold. JAMES: Let’s clip her toe-nails! JIMMY: Ew James, no! (picks up bottle - reading) Extra Strength Comadose; side effects include: explosive diarrhea, implosive diarrhea, and flashbacks to wars you were never in--- AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: (suddenly begins sleepwalking) ---WE GOT CHARLIE ALL OVER THE AREA! KILL HIM!--- JIMMY: AHHHH! (JIMMY escapes into AUNTIE SOCIAL’s room where it’s pitch black) I can’t see anything. (GASP) JAMES: Grrr It’s Auntie Social! AUNTIE SOCIAL: (hisses) JIMMY: Ah! It’s me, Jimmy! AUNTIE SOCIAL: Jimmy? I don’t like you, Jimmy! JIMMY: I know AUNTIE SOCIAL: What are you doing in my room?! (hiss) JIMMY: Auntie took her sleeping pills and now I think she is trying to kill me! AUNTIE SOCIAL: What war is she in? JIMMY: What?!? AUNTIE SOCIAL: (strangling JIMMY) What war is she in? JIMMY: (being strangled) I---DON’T---KNOW! (he’s released) She said something about a guy named Charlie. AUNTIE SOCIAL: …Vietnam (turns around - SFX while she assembles tranquilizer gun) You’ll need this. (hands JIMMY gun) JIMMY: What is it? (takes gun) AUNTIE SOCIAL: The most dangerous tranquilizer dart gun on the market. (GASP - SNIFF - looks around) She’s coming AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: (kicks open door) I love the smell of napalm in the morning… JIMMY: Ahhh! (fires once) AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: (stops, pulls out dart from neck- sniffs it, then points at JIMMY) Viet cong! JIMMY: Shes still coming… JAMES: Shoot her again. JIMMY: that’s a bad idea, James. JAMES: I’m taking control! (JAMES takes control of the gun and shoots AUNTIE DEPRESSANT- a lot) JIMMY: (watches her go down) JAMES: She’ll be alright…(shoots her one more time for good measure) JIMMY: (to audience) But she was not alright. James put her in a coma. Mom won’t be happy. MISS MCGANTY: I am exasperated Jimmy! I’m sending you to stay with your Auntie in Wyoming. JIMMY: (Ding Dong - to audience) This is my Auntie’s house in Wyoming. She is a germaphobe so she’s always cleaning. JAMES: I call her Auntie Bacterial (door creaks open) AUNTIE BACTERIAL: (sneeze) Lets get you disinfected! (pulls out spray from holster like cowboy and sprays) JIMMY: (coughing) What was that?!? AUNTIE BACTERIAL: I call it, Dirty Girty all Carcass Cleaner. (spins on fingers and thrusts back into holster) JIMMY: (sniffing) Mmm… Its lemon scented. AUNTIE HISTAMINE: I love lemons, cleanest fruit on earth. JAMES: Besides the gays… JIMMY: James, that’s offensive! JAMES: What?!? They’re extremely hygienic. JIMMY: That’s true…. AUNTIE BACTERIAL: You’re going to help me disinfect this house. Anything you touch, spray it with Dirty Girty. Anything you breathe on, Dirty Girty. And anything you look at… JIMMY: Dirty Girty? AUNTIE BACTERIAL: Only if it’s a dirty look. (suddenly pointing out dirt) AHH! GERMS! JIMMY: (gasp - spray-spray - wipe SFX) AUNTIE BACTERIAL: Good. I think you’re ready for the attic. Lets go Jimmy. (reaches up for attic cord but doesnt find it on the first try - pulls cord and ladder drops down with THUD THUD THUD SFX) JIMMY:Oh my! is that a--- AUNTIE BACTERIAL: ---Hornets nest! Whatever you do, stay calm and don’t make them angry...Do something Jimmy! JIMMY: (buzzing sfx - swatting - spraying Dirty Girty - buzzing gets violent) I think made them angry! AUNTIE BACTERIAL: (surrounded) YEAH YOU DID! HELP, JIMMY! But don’t touch me, you’re filthy! JIMMY: What do I do? JAMES: Cleanse her with FIRE! JIMMY: No James bad idea! JAMES: Fine, I’ll do it. AUNTIE BACTERIAL (SLOW MO) Jimmy! NOOO! JIMMY: (following her flailing around) Quick! Stop, Drop, and Roll! (watches her stop, then drop- stares - panics) ...Why aren’t you rolling?! (begins stomping on her) Oh no. (kneels down to pick up AUNTIE HISTAMINE in his arms) AUNTIE BACTERIAL: I’m gonna die here in your arms, Jimmy... but first, there’s something I must tell you.. JIMMY: Yes, Auntie? AUNTIE BACTERIAL: I--- I--- JIMMY: Yes, Auntie? AUNTIE BACTERIAL: I don’t like you, Jimmy… JIMMY: I KNOOOOOOW! JAMES: Told you fire was a bad idea! JAMES: James! (to audience) Mom is going to be less than thrilled. MS. MCGANTY: Jimmy McGanty! I am infuriated right now! I’m sending you to stay with an Auntie who you can’t hospitalize, or even kill… because this one can’t die! JIMMY: Please, no--- MS. MCGANTY: ---Yes, Jim furious my. I am sending you to stay with your Auntie in Hell!!!---- Michigan! Hell, Michigan. JIMMY: (Ding dong) I’ve never met this Auntie before, but rumor has it that she was the mastermind behind the Kennedy assassination and invented the swine flu, she’s been death row for a long time---They tried to put her in the gas chamber--- but it just gave her gas. She is currently finishing her life sentence here on house arrest. JAMES: I call her… Auntie Christ!!! JIMMY: (watches door creak open slowly and looks up) AUNTIE CHRIST: Hello, Jimmy! JIMMY: Hello… What a lovely home you have... AUNTIE CHRIST: No one likes you Jimmy! JIMMY: I know… AUNTIE CHRIST: You smell like poop. JIMMY: I kn-- Oh, that’s a new one. JAMES: Leave him alone, you old hag! AUNTIE CHRIST: Well hello, James. JIMMY: What?!? JAMES: How can she see me? JIMMY: I have no idea! AUNTIE CHRIST: You’re going to die today, Jimmy! JIMMY: What?!??! Look, I know I’m always getting into trouble but--- JAMES: Jimmy, no more nice kid stuff. You gotta fight fire with fire… JIMMY: No James! Enough with the fire! JAMES: Grrr, Jimmy. She’s evil, but so am I. I can take her. Give me full control. JIMMY: Maybe that’s not such a good idea--- JAMES: ---All I’ve ever tried to do is stick up for you. You gotta give me full control. JIMMY: Okay, James. Let’s do it! AUNTIE CHRIST: Are you done talking to yourself now? JIMMY: (JAMES begins to take over JIMMY’s body - blocking SFX - BACKFLIP - three point stance - heavy breathing - JAMES stands up now in full control) JAMES: HAHAHAHA!!! Taste my fire! (JAMES flamethrower) AUNTIE CHRIST: This calls for an exorcism ritual I learned from watching the MTV Video Music Awards--- it’s the only channel we got in prison… (AUNTIE CHRIST begins to dance and sing the ritual) La da di da diLa da di da di - Dancing with Auntie--- JAMES: NOOOOOO! AUNTIE CHRIST: This is my house, these are my rules JAMES: Please stop! AUNTIE CHRIST: And I stop… and I can’t stop. JAMES: Goodbye Jimmy! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (Gyrates and twerks into explosion) JIMMY: (Panting and exhausted) James? Where did you go? AUNTIE CHRIST: James is gone now. And soon, you will be too! (attacks) Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! JIMMY: (TIME FREEZES) and at that moment its like time froze. And I remembered… JIMMY: (reading) Jeckyl-and-Hyde-acil for multiple personalities? JAMES: Don’t mind if I do. (pockets a pill) JIMMY: Thank you James. I’m not sure if this will work, but its the only shot I’ve got. (throws pill) AUNTIE CHRIST: ahhhhhh. What happened? Where am I? JIMMY: Auntie Christ? AUNTIE CHRISTINE: No, I'm Auntie Christine. Oh my! My evil side must have taken full control. JIMMY: You had an evil side too? AUNTIE CHRISTINE: Oh yes. When I was a little girl, I didn’t have many friends… people were mean to me so I never knew how to be nice back. JIMMY: I know exactly what you mean…. James is the only one who’s ever stuck up for me.. and now, he’s gone and I’m all alone. AUNTIE CHRISTINE: You’re not alone Jimmy. You’ve got your mother and all of your other Aunties who love you dearly. JIMMY: That’s the problem, none of them like me. AUNTIE CHRISTINE: Ya know what, Jimmy…. (pause) I like you. JIMMY: You do? (long beat - to audience) So I finished out my summer with my Auntie Christine. Now it’s back to school, without James. PRINCIPAL PETER: Good morning, Jimmy. JIMMY: Good morning, Principal Peters. PRINCIPAL PETERS: You shut your sasshole! I hope you learned your lesson this summer. JIMMY: Yes sir. You won’t be seeing me in here anymore. PRINCIPLE PETERS: That’s the way I like it... JIMBO: Thats what she said! JIMMY: Wait no! Who are you? JIMBO: I’m Jimbo. Your sex drive. JIMMY: Oh no…
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