Heaven Or Hell
B C Mercer

 


The sun beats down on Chapel Hill, North Carolina, as the robins sing in the dogwood trees, the squirrels run rampant on the ground, and I drive my normal route down Main St. after dropping Sarah and Amy, my daughters, off at school. I make a quick stop at The Coffee Bean, where my order of a tall cup of java and cream cheese bagel awaits me.

My life has been built upon routine and it is that that keeps me going. I have always been accustomed to performing the same tasks the same way day after day; growing up in a military family, being a military man myself, and continuing the tradition with my family today.

I park my new minivan in the closest spot to the front door of Hartis Grove Baptist Church. This morning I will begin work on this upcoming Sunday�s sermon. I usually do not have any trouble developing a topic for my speeches, but today there is an unusual presence around me that is making me uneasy. I begin my way down the hall to my office where I see Julie, my secretary, sitting in the chair in front of my desk.

�Good morning, Julie. How was your weekend?� I ask.

�Oh fine Reverend Sands. It went well. My mother came to visit me, but all in all it was just fine,� Julie replies.

�Julie, how many times do I have to tell you? Call me Morris. There is no need to be so formal with me. I�m a normal person just like anyone else in this world.�

�Sorry Rever�. I mean Morris.�

�Are there any messages for me this morning?�

Julie looks uneasy for a moment and finally collects herself. �Morris, can I ask a favor of you?�

This puzzles me. Julie has never asked of anything from anyone before. �Anything, Julie, what is it?�

�I�ve been thinking a lot about this lately and I want to ask you� well� will you marry me?�

I am almost taken aback! I am actually shocked for the first time in years! I laugh hysterically as Julie drops her head.

�I�m sorry, Julie, I let that sink in the wrong way for a moment,� as I let out the last of my chuckles.

Julie regains her composure and begins to smile.

�So you�ll do it?�

�You and Greg have been dating for how long now, three or four years right? I see no reason why I should not give my blessing to you two, and I would be delighted to perform the ceremony on your very special day.�

�Thank you so much, Morris. You have no idea how much this means to me!�

Julie skips out of my office and down the hall to call Greg and fill him in on the good news. I sit in my chair and just smile. I never get used to the feeling that overcomes me when I am able to do something great for someone. I guess this day isn�t getting off on that bad vibe I was feeling just moments ago.

I decide that it is time to get to work so I roll my chair up to my desk where my leather Bible sits in anticipation for further interpretation. Its smell fills the air as I glance at the picture of my family, and I am reminded of the first time I held this Bible. My wife, Monica, gave it to me on our wedding day. I would never have expected such a gift from her. She has never been the church-going type, but I do not hold that against her. I love her for who she is, not her faith. I�m not a holy-roller, Jesus is the only way type of guy. I keep an open mind with the way people want to live their lives. I am in no position to judge. I have made my attempts at conversion with her, but she is stubborn and holds her ground well. That�s why I love her so much.

That�s it! I have found my topic for my sermon; fight for what you feel is right! It never ceases to amaze me at how such mundane aspects of your life can fill your soul with such inspiration. I have stumbled upon the perfect family! I feel confident in saying that.

Sometime around mid-morning, I notice that the sun is not as bright. I step outside the backdoor of my office and watch as clouds begin to fill the sky. The robins have long disappeared, and I can smell the rain approaching. I walk out to my minivan and roll the windows up in case rain comes before I leave for the day.

Returning to my office, I hear the phone ring down the hall in Julie�s office.

�Reverend�. I mean, Morris! Sarah�s school is on line one!� Julie yells down the hall.

�Thank you, Julie,� I reply.

�Yes this is Sarah Sands� father� She has done what... Yes, absolutely. I will be there right away.�

How can this be? What would possibly possess my Sarah, Daddy�s little princess, to push another girl down a flight of stairs? There has got to be a logical explanation for it all.

As I drive back down Main St. towards Sarah�s school, I notice a barrage of police and fire rescue cars parked in front of The Coffee Bean.

After stopping to assess the situation, I am notified that Mr. Hackney, the old man who has owned The Coffee Bean for over forty years, was unloading the usual weekly shipment of coffee this morning. As he pulled the final palette of his stock to the edge of the truck, he pulled too far and it fell on top of him. He was crushed by the weight of his own coffee. He is dead.

Wow! One minute it was a typical day. Now I feel like I am in a whole new world. Was my eerie presence a sort of premonition to a tragic day? I can only pray that this is the last of it.

As I enter the administrative office of Sarah�s school, I can see her sitting in a chair in front of the principal�s office. She hangs her head low, and does not even acknowledge my presence.

�Hi, princess,� I say as I enter Principal Moss� office.

�Good afternoon, Reverend Sands, please have a seat,� Principal Moss requests.

 Silence. No one knows exactly the right thing to say at a moment like this. The perfect family finally has a record in this town. Everyone remains speechless. I have to break the ice.

�How bad is it, Principal Moss?� I mutter.

�Pretty bad, Reverend. It seems that when Sarah pushed the girl down those stairs, it caused the girl to break both of her wrists, endure lacerations on her back, sustain a concussion, and intestinal bleeding on her left side. She was airlifted to Research Triangle Hospital and is in critical condition at this time.�

It was like a bomb was dropped right over my head. My own daughter caused so much damage to another human being. She had always been such a loving and caring girl. What was her reasoning behind this?

�Principal Moss, may we bring Sarah in here and ask her a few questions?�

�Sure. I would like to know why she did this. She has not spoken to anyone since it happened.�

As Sarah enters the room she begins to cry. It is not the loud cry that you would expect from a young girl, but a muffled sob as if she is embarrassed. It tears me up inside to see my daughter like this. All I want to do is pull her close and hug her forever. I want the pain to go away. I cannot do this though. As a parent I must hold myself together. I cannot allow the sweet face of my daughter to hinder my feelings on the actions that have recently taken place.

�Sarah, would you like to tell us what happened this morning?� Principal Moss asks.

Sarah looks up at me with a wince. She wants to say something, I know it, but she doesn�t know how. After a few minutes she works up her courage and begins to speak.

�I honestly don�t know what came over me. Kelly and I had gotten into an argument over something that happened last weekend. I did something that I know I shouldn�t have, and Kelly said that she was going to tell my parents.�

Sarah struggles to get her words out and begins to cry again. She reaches for me to hold her, and I want to, but I won�t.

�What is it that you did last weekend that you did not want your mother and me to know about, Sarah? It must have been pretty bad to shove your friend down a flight of stairs!� I say as anger begins to set in.

�Well, Daddy, me and Kelly snuck out of the house in the middle of the night to go to a party. People were drinking there and some of them were doing drugs.�

Oh my God! Please Lord, anything but this. Please help me. Tell me this is all a dream. My daughter would never touch drugs. I have raised her properly. She knows the consequences of drug-use, she knows the dangers, and she knows how it can affect her life.

�Ok, Sarah, what is it that you personally did, other than sneaking out of the house?� I say as my face turns red.

�I�m sorry, Dad. I don�t want to say anything about it because I wish it would all just go away, but there is no use in hiding anything from you. I�d rather you hear it from me than anyone else.�

Sarah looks deep into her father�s eyes and begins to speak.

�We were just having a good time talking to all of our friends, when this guy sat down beside us. He was an older kid, probably in college, and he asked us if we wanted a drink. We said �Sure, of course,� as we tried to blend in with the older kids from school. So, as we were talking, this guy kept bringing more drinks to us. This went on for a few hours until I could not see straight. I grabbed Kelly and I told her that we had to leave now. I felt really sick and all I wanted was to go home. Kelly refused to leave and just ignored my pleas. The guy with the drinks asked if I needed a ride home if Kelly was not going to leave with me. I told him yes, and we started walking to the door. I fell down in the hallway and I knew I was going to be sick. The guy carried me to the bathroom where I stayed for a little while.�

Sarah stops for a moment to fight her tears.

�I thought that I was going to die. I had never felt like this before. When I was finished in the bathroom, the guy came back in and he said that I should lie down for a few minutes to let everything settle in my stomach. I thought it was a good idea. All this time I kept wondering why this guy was being so nice to me. So he stayed with me in one of the bedrooms in the house while I rested for a few minutes. As I felt ready to go home I leaned up and noticed that he was locking the bedroom door. I told him that I felt much better and we could leave now. He said he wasn�t ready to. We weren�t �finished� here. He got on top of me and started kissing my neck as I pushed him away. I told him to stop but he wouldn�t. He was too strong for me to get away from him. He just held me there. I tried to scream but he just covered my mouth. The music was too loud outside of the room for anyone to hear me anyways. The guy got mad all of a sudden and told me that if I didn�t shut up he was going to hurt me. I didn�t know what to do, so I just laid there as he ripped my shirt off. He lifted my skirt and I knew that I was not going to let it happen. When he pulled his pants down I kicked him as hard as I could. He squealed for a second and I thought I had a chance to escape. I was wrong. This only enraged him even more. He threw me back onto the bed and he punched me in my stomach. I couldn�t move at all, I felt paralyzed. He rolled me over to where my stomach was against the bed and he pushed on my back while he did it. I cried and cried. I must have cried so much that it consumed every bit of energy I had and I fell asleep right there. When I woke up, the guy was gone and the house was quiet. I tried to fix my shirt to where no one would notice. I walked out and saw no one in the house. I left and I started walking home. When I got home I climbed up the tree in our yard and back through my bedroom window. I lay in my bed for a while as I cried myself to sleep. When I saw Kelly at school this morning, I told her what happened to me and she went crazy. She asked if I had told my parents and I said no, and I didn�t plan on telling them. She immediately said that I had better tell them or she would do it herself. I got in her face and told her that she better stay away. She refused and said she would tell my parents the first chance she got. I could not let that happen so that is when I pushed her down the stairs. That is everything that happened.�

Why did Sarah not want to tell me about this? She has always been able to confide in me. Why would she try to go about her life as if nothing had happened? This boy should face criminal charges for the act that he committed against my daughter!

�Sarah, why didn�t you come to your mother and me and tell us about this?� I asked.

�Daddy, I didn�t want to make a big deal about it. I did something stupid and I paid the price. I just didn�t want you or Mom to think differently of me or think that I was bad kid.�

Principal Moss seemed astonished at what he had just heard. His mouth remained opened until I turned to him.

�Principal Moss, what action will be taken against my daughter for what has happened today?�

�Well I am deeply saddened to hear what has taken place recently, but I am also sorry that I must make the proper decision in disciplining your daughter. This school does not condone the type of behavior Sarah has displayed today and I must suspend her from school until further notice. I hope that she will be able to return to class soon enough, but it will depend on the health and condition of Kelly. I�m sorry Reverend Sands, and I am sorry, Sarah. I will contact you with further information. Thank you for coming down here today. You can take Sarah with you now,� Principal Moss responded.

As Sarah and I drove away from school, I began to think of what I have done to deserve this day. I have always lived my life for God and Jesus Christ. I have lived by the Bible and everything it stands for. Am I being punished? Why is this happening?

We drive to Amy�s school to pick her up as it is time for the younger children to be released from school for the day. The rain has begun falling and the sky is quickly darkening. As we drive back down Main St. towards our home, I see smoke filling the sky. I roll my window down a bit and the smell of the smoke consumes me. I quickly roll the window back up as Amy, in her car seat, says, �Hot dog, Daddy, hot dog.� �Yes, sweetheart, smells like hot dogs, doesn�t it?� I say as the concern of where the smoke is coming from sets in. I turn left onto Maple Dr. to see that my family�s home is engulfed in flames.

Why God!? What have I done to deserve this? I have not done anything wrong. I live for you, and this is how you repay me?

I immediately call 911 to alert the fire department and I am told that they are already responding. I look around for my wife�s car. A hole that has already burned through the garage door reveals that she is not at home. At least she is safe. All of our possessions are filling the sky with a hellish haze. The crackling of the burning walls and the hissing of the shingles on the roof leave a chilling effect on my body. The photos of family members, my work studying the Bible, my children�s toys, and everything else is gone.

The firefighters distinguish the last of the flames as I watch my smoldering home continue to smoke. One of the police officers asks if I am able to drive down to the station to file reports and other paperwork. I oblige and my family leaves the site of yet another tragedy on this day.

But where is Monica? She is usually home finishing up the housework or painting in her art room. It is always very quiet at home, with me at work and the kids still in school. I always pick them up and we head home. She seldom leaves the house at this time of day.

As I drive back down Main St., once again, towards the police station, I happen to glance to my right at the Dixie Motel. As we stop at the stoplight and I am able to look a little closer as I see a woman walking out of room 18 with another man. I do a double-take on this woman and I realize that it is Monica! My wife of twenty-three years and the mother of my children is walking out of a motel room with another man! Impossible. There is no way that this can be happening to me!

I decide to prove myself wrong and I place a call to my wife on her cell phone. It rings twice as I watch this woman in the parking lot of the Dixie Motel answer her own cell phone.

�Hello?� my wife answers her phone.

�Hey, honey, where are you?� I ask.

�Oh I was just dropping by the supermarket to pick up a few things for supper tonight. Is everything ok?� she asks nonchalantly.

�Not exactly. You had better drive over to the police station and meet me and the girls there,� I tell her.

�Oh no, what has happened?� she asks.

�Just meet us at the station, dear.�

�Morris, what is going on?�

�Just meet us there. We�ll see you in a minute.�

�Ok, bye.�

Monica pulls up to the police station as the girls and I are getting out of the minivan. Monica runs up to me.

�Ok, now tell me what is going on, Morris!� she demands.

�Well, first off, I would like to know what is going on with you, Monica.� I reply.

�Why, I don�t know what you are talking about. Nothing is going on with me. All I was doing was picking up a few things before cooking supper tonight.�

�I didn�t know that the Dixie Motel sold groceries,� I say as a stern look comes over me.

Monica looks flabbergasted. I have uncovered her secret.

�How long has this been going on, Monica?�

�Morris, I can explain��

�Well it�s going to have to wait. As you were out frolicking with another man this afternoon, did you know that your daughter shoved a girl down a flight of stairs, nearly killing her? Did you also know that she was raped last weekend? How about the fact that our house has burnt to ashes? You are just going to have to wait your turn, Monica!�

I am absolutely furious! Why is my life turning into a living hell? God, what have I done to deserve this!? Just who are you?

I sit in the police station filling out paper after paper. My family has gone to the fire station where we will sleep for the night. They wanted to go to the church, but right now is no time for me to be in the �House of God.�

What is the value of the assets you held in your home? What is the value of your home? How do you think the accident happened? All of these questions are hindering my ability to properly function. I cannot do this. I tell the attending officer that the paperwork is going to have to wait until tomorrow. I drive to the fire station and meet my family, my so-called family.

I can�t look at my wife without feeling sick to my stomach, I have the feeling that Sarah does not trust her own father�s judgment, and all I have is my six year old, Amy, who has no idea what is going on right now. I watch her as she sleeps beside me and it puts me to sleep.

A new day, a new beginning.

This morning I let Monica drop the girls off at school. I do not make my way down Main St. as I have for many years. I decide to drive a different way. I turn right onto Potter Road and follow it through the forest that surrounds our area. The wet landscape and the dreary sky give this road a haunted element.

I have not seen this area of town in probably ten years. It definitely is a sight to see now. It is so beautiful, even with the sub-par weather. The over-hanging trees make me feel as if I am driving towards a castle entrance in the fifteenth century. I begin to think of how people back then lived their lives. Did they live them for God? Did they have terrible tragedies occur in their lives? Am I living my life properly? Should I be devoting myself to God? I need to seek out answers to my questions, and fast.

After my morning drive I head to the church. I do not park in my usual spot today; rather, I park near the backdoor to my office. As I enter I can hear Julie making a noise just outside my office door, which is shut. I open the door to reveal Julie standing there crying.

�What�s the matter Julie? Has something happened between you and Greg?� I ask her.

�Oh Reverend Sands, no. It�s not Greg. Come please.� Julie mutters as she grabs my arm and leads me to the door of the sanctuary.

As I open the door I am presented with the sight of vandalism, theft, and total inconsideration. Someone broke into the church during the night and spray painted obscenities on the walls, shattered the stained glass windows, chopped up every pew as if it were firewood, and stole the sanctuary�s Bible. What heartless individuals would do such a thing as to deface a church?

I turn to Julie and tell her to contact the police. She leaves me alone in the sanctuary. I sit on the steps in front of my podium and face the area of where my congregation sits every Sunday morning. I envision the faces of my fellow Christians, both young and old, and I begin to wonder if I have done my duties to these people. I feel I have fulfilled my duty to God, but what about my people here on earth? Am I fulfilling my obligations as a Reverend in the Baptist church, or am I on the wrong career path altogether? I always felt that I was chosen by God to fill the souls on earth with the knowledge of God. Has my reign as spiritual guide come to an end, or should it never have begun in the first place. Do I really believe in God now? Why should I after all that has occurred in the last twenty-four hours?

�Thank you for your help, once again, officers. I hope this will be the last I will see of you for quite sometime. Thank you again.� I say to the same officers that responded to the fire alarm at my home yesterday.

I walk back inside the church and enter my office. I sit at my desk as I did the day before and I stare at the portrait of my family again. Five minutes, then ten minutes go by and I reach my decision. I turn the photograph face down on my desk, close the blinds on the window behind my desk, and throw my Bible into the wastebasket beside my desk. I walk out the backdoor to my office without letting Julie know that I am leaving, and I lock the door. I turn and walk towards my minivan. Before getting in, I turn around once more and throw my church keys into the pond that sits nearby. I never want to enter this, or any other, church again, and I never want to hear the word God either!

I spent my morning sitting in my minivan contemplating the decision I have just made and what it will hold for me in the future. I start to feel that it will be good for me to be away from the church. I will have more time to spend with my daughters. I may even be able to find out why my wife has cheated on me. Maybe everything will work out with my marriage. Yes, this is a brilliant decision. God is not providing me with any help these days, so why must I continue to go on preaching? It is time I lived for Morris Sands, not God!

I have a few hours before Amy gets out of school so I go to the mall and shop for some new clothes. I need a new style. I�m a new man today! I buy more clothes today than I have in the past five years. Now my family needs a place to live. We cannot sleep in the fire station forever, and the church is out of the question now. I�ve got it! I know just the place.

I�ve spent my time with myself, and now it is time to pick my daughters up from school and fill them in on today�s news.

After picking Amy up, we sit in the long line of parents waiting to pick their children up at the high school. Thirty minutes has already expired by the time every car has exited the parking lot. I did not even remember that my daughter is not allowed on the premises of her high school. How stupid can you be, Morris? Monica must have Sarah with her or she is still at the fire station. Amy and I drive to the fire station to check it out.

I find Sarah lying on her cot reading the Bible. I walk straight over to her and grab the book out of her hand and slide it under the cot.

�What did you do that for, Dad? Every time we do something you wrong, you always tell us to look to the Bible and God for the answers,� She says.

�I know, baby girl, but no more. You won�t find anything worth reading there. It�s full of lies and deceit,� I say feeling better than ever.

�What are you talking about, Dad? You�re starting to scare me. Why would a Reverend say such a thing about God and the Bible?�

�Sarah, a Reverend wouldn�t say any such thing about God and the Bible, but you know what? I left the church this morning. I guess that doesn�t make me a Reverend anymore, now does it?�

�But, Daddy, what are you talking about? You can�t just walk out on the church and God like that.�

�Oh I�m not walking out on the church or God. God walked out on me. I have analyzed the past couple of days and I have come to the realization that being in the church is just not for me. I felt I had always lived my life for God, and you know that firsthand. But your incidents, the house burning down, and your mother�s actions have not been the best of gifts from Him. Also, I didn�t tell you that Hartis Grove was broken into and vandalized last night, did I? I think He is making his message very clear to me that I have either completed my tenure with the church or I am not doing my job the way He wants me to.�

�Wow, that�s pretty intense, Dad. But what are we going to do? We don�t have a home, clothes, food, or even a mother. She told me to tell you good-bye and she left. She didn�t say where she was going, but that she would be in contact with us in due time, whatever that means.�

�Don�t worry, sweetheart. We�ll be just fine. I found us a new home. It�s not much, but it will be fine for a while. We are living in the Garden Apartments on the other side of town for a little while. I figured you would like it better there because all of your friends live on that side of town. So gather your things and let�s get going.�

�Hey, Dad? Thanks.�

I wink at Sarah and I know she knows that I don�t think any differently of her after what she has done and endured. I feel like I love my daughter more than ever, and it feels great!

We get �moved� into our new home in apartment 1013 just before dark. I order a pizza for the girls and I sit on the porch looking up into the sky. The skies are finally becoming clearer and I can see a few stars and the beaming moon. Lightning still flashes in the distance, but I don�t think it will come towards us any longer, although it did get cold very fast out here.

Here I am a single father of two girls with no job. Oh how great it feels to actually be living for once in my life!

I put Amy to sleep on the floor in her bedroom wrapped up in blankets to soften the hard floor. Sarah and I sit in the living room together before we both decide it is time to get some sleep.

�It�s been a pretty hectic couple of days, eh, Dad?� Sarah says as she yawns and lies down on the floor.

�You bet, princess, you bet. Good night.� I say as I close my eyes.

In the morning I wake up to see Amy standing by the sliding glass door. She sees that I am awake and runs and jumps on top of me.

�Hey little one. Did you sleep well?�

�Uh huh. But Daddy, what happened to all the other big houses that we saw when we came here last night?�

�What are you talking about honey?�

�Come look, Daddy. They�re all gone.�

As I walk towards the sliding glass door I can see that every other building in this apartment complex has been destroyed. What could possibly be going on? I put my shoes on and I walk outside where I see yet another police officer and a fire rescue team. They immediately run my way.

�Hey, buddy, where�d you come from,� the officer said to me.

�My girls and I just moved into an apartment in this building,� I replied.

�Did you not hear it coming?�

�Hear what coming? We all just woke up.�

�The twister that ripped everything to shreds last night.�

�A tornado came through here?�

�You got it, buddy. Tore the whole town apart pretty much.�

�Oh my. Did anyone get hurt?�

�Look around you, man. I don�t think there could be a single survivor in this whole place. Hundreds of people have been reported dead or missing and I don�t think we�re going to find many. It was the strongest twister to ever come through here, and it sure shows. You and your girls sure are lucky. You�re the first survivors I�ve seen all morning.�

I can hardly breathe, let alone speak now. Hundreds of people died last night but my family was saved. After everything I have said about God why would he spare my life? I would have thought that I would be the only casualty.

�You�d better go get your girls and come down to the shelter. They don�t need to see anything that one of my guys might pull out of one of these places,� The officer requested.

�Sure thing, officer. Just give us a few minutes to gather everything up,� I said and walked back to the apartment.

As we sat in the shelter in the gym of Sarah�s school, I could see many people that were hurt from the storm last night. I have known these people for what seems like my whole life. They have come to me and the church in their times of need, and I have always provided them with anything they needed. Right now, I feel as if there is nothing that I can do for them.

Or is there? I suddenly remember a dream that I had last night. I was sitting on the steps in front of my podium in the sanctuary of Hartis Grove, just as I had yesterday. Everything in the church looked like it always had. There was no vandalism and the pews were in perfect condition. My congregation sat waiting for me to begin my sermon for that week. I never stood up and I never spoke, but I heard a voice. All that the voice said was, �Be ready.�

Was this God actually speaking directly to me? Was he telling me that my days as a Reverend were not numbered? Am I supposed to go on preaching His word? If I am to continue my spiritual practice, why did he plague me with so many hardships these last few days? Preparation is all that comes to mind. God sure does work in mysterious ways.

I gather everyone in the gym and we make a circle. We bow our heads, and we pray.

 

 

Copyright © 2003 B C Mercer
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"