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Nurses, Bedpans And X-Rated Hospital Gowns
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TITLE (EDIT)
Nurses, Bedpans And X-Rated Hospital Gowns
DESCRIPTION
Tuesday last I awoke from my nightly slumber with terrific pain in my chest, much like an elephant break-dancing on my chest. It was painful just to breathe, but like the trooper I am, I shrugged it off and set about my daily routine. Rather than improving, the pain intensified.

[923 words]
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor
AUTHOR
James Snyder
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living with his wife, Martha, in Ocala, Florida and can be contacted at jamessnyder2@att.net.
[October 2009]
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
jamessnyder2@att.net
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (15)
A Cup Of Joe Says A Lot About Us (Short Stories) This week I came face-to-face with a genuine dilemma. I had several meetings across town and for some reason I miscalculated and ended up with a 2-1/2 hour gap between meetings. I hate to waste time, ... [902 words]
A Page From Betty Crocker’S Cookbook (Essays) Recently, while sitting in my chair drinking the last of my breakfast coffee, a thought staggered into my mind. I must confess most thoughts are quite lonely once they enter my mind, but this one had ... [860 words] [Humor]
A Silent Night — Not At My House (Essays) People say, as they get older their hearing is not what it used to be. I have found this to be true for myself. The older I get, and I plan to get as old as I can, the more I hear noises in the middle... [895 words] [Humor]
Be Happy, Join The Wednesday Worry Club (Essays) Of all the people who know me, no one would say I am afflicted with worryitis. They may say other things about me, which may or may not be true, but that's another story. [918 words] [Humor]
Dead-To-The-World Man Walking (Essays) One morning this week, I woke up with a black eye. How I got it still baffles me. I have my suspicions, of course, but some things are better left to themselves no matter how lonely they may get. [891 words] [Humor]
How To Cash In On Your ‘Ailment Capital' (Essays) Right after the president won his re-election bid for the White House, he made an interesting comment. He said he was going to spend his "political capital" wisely. At first, I did not understand wha... [926 words] [Humor]
If All Things Are Possible,” Why Can't I Balance My Checkbook? (Short Stories) For me, the most terrible time of each month is the day our bank statement comes. We commonly call it BSS (Bank Statement Syndrome). I don't know why it is, but I have trouble getting the parsonage ch... [904 words] [Humor]
In My House, If It's Broken I Bought It (Essays) Often a store has a sign with the warning, "You break it, you bought it." This is to keep people from carelessly handling the merchandise. I'm thinking of another sign, which should be posted all thr... [907 words] [Humor]
Malice In “I Wonder Who I Am” Land (Essays) For many years I maintained confidence in my personal identity. I knew exactly who I was and was quite comfortable in my skin. Although, I must confess my skin used to fit me better than it does these... [885 words]
Now That I'm Older, I'm Still Not Wiser (Essays) Now that summer is over and the children are back in school I found myself indulging in a little bit of retrospective thinking. It took some doing but I was able to think all the back to when I was a ... [883 words] [Humor]
Old Phil Propagated A Good Old Hoax (Essays) It began as all things begin n a long period of boredom with nothing exciting to do. Whoever said, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop,” knew something of what they were speaking. [882 words]
The One Great Sermon That Got Away (Essays) Most people don't realize ministers are obligated to prepare and preach one great sermon in their career. In looking over my record of sermons, I noticed many "good" sermons, but an obvious lack in th... [886 words] [Humor]
Who Has The Greatest Job In The World? (Essays) I have, in my opinion, the world's perfect job. Just look at the evidence. I love people and I love God. I love talking to people about God and I love talking to God about people. Therefore, if you p... [963 words] [Humor]
‘And How Do We Feel This Morning?' (Essays) Without question, going to the hospital is teamwork from the time you arrive until you are wheeled out the front door. Everyone is working together for the common good of the patient, or at least a cr... [909 words] [Humor]
‘I'm Not A Christian, But I Play One On Sunday' (Essays) After more than three decades of church ministry, I have come to one unsettling conclusion. Actually, I've come to more than one conclusion, but this one is the most depressing. That conclusion is si... [890 words] [Humor]
Nurses, Bedpans And X-Rated Hospital Gowns
James Snyder

Tuesday last I awoke from my nightly slumber with terrific pain in my chest, much like an elephant break-dancing on my chest. It was painful just to breathe, but like the trooper I am, I shrugged it off and set about my daily routine. Rather than improving, the pain intensified.

I went to my office and started the day's work only to find it almost impossible. Fortunately, my one daughter is a paramedic with the fire department and the other is an EMT with the county ambulance service. Sitting at my desk, I saw the vehicles pull into the church office parking lot.

Within a few minutes, my office was filled with EMTs and paramedics. (Someone and I'll mention no name, only to say this person who lives at the same address as I, squealed on me.) Their unified mission was convincing a rather stubborn preacher to go to the hospital. According to their examination, it was possible I was having a heart attack.

Who knew I even had a heart?

Each took turns persuading me that I needed to go to the hospital. Their strategy was to wear me down. To my credit, it took half a dozen to do the job. The ambulance was outside and in a few minutes, so they assured me, they could have me in the emergency room.

"What about it, Reverend," a good- looking paramedic said, "how about going to the hospital?"

"Okay," I finally agreed, "but I'm not going in the ambulance, I've already mortgaged my house."

I was escorted to my paramedic daughter's jeep and away we went to the ER.

When we arrived at the hospital, they rushed me into the emergency room and started working on me.

After a few hours, I came to myself (which is a shock in and of itself) and discovered my chest had been shaven. Now, what I need to know is, once shaved always shaved? Just a theological ruse.

In examining my chest, I discovered I had 17 nipples of which all but two were hooked up to some monitoring system. When a person, such as I, is in a dazed confused condition, this is enough to create a heart attack.

The medical staff put me through all the tests they had in their diagnostic arsenal. Evidently I had crammed the night before because I passed all the their tests with flying colors. Although I passed the tests the pain in my chest continued.

During my medical odyssey, I discovered three things.

The first has to do with nurses, which are the first line of defense in a medical situation. Sometimes n and I'm not complaining, just grateful n they are the only lines of defense. Certainly, they are the link to everything a person needs.

It is extremely important to keep on good terms with these angels of mercy. For one, they are the ones who wield the needles in the ER.

Nurses have two kinds of needles. One, they have the nice sharp pointy needles that pierce the epidermis with the greatest of ease causing the least amount of discomfort.

The second type is reserved for those certain patients, and you know who you are, that cross them. I'm referring to the square point needles that gouge the flesh. I'm proud to say I experienced the former.

The second has to do with hospital bedpans. What deranged person masterminded this dysfunctional appliance? Some research must be funded by the government to track this person or persons down and have them executed.

Normally I'm not a violent man. My philosophy is "live and let live." However, hospital bedpans are not normal and are deliberately designed to malfunction every time. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. If not executed, then they should be confined to a hospital bed for the rest of their life and I have just the bedpan for them.

The third thing I discovered in the hospital has to do with those x-rated hospital gowns. They come in one-size-fits-all. That's all right if you happen to be 3'6."

Unless a person is dyslexic, it takes no rocket scientist to see I am a bit larger than 3'6." I just happen to be 6'3" and have never been mistaken for a midget. I have no idea what these so-called gowns were designed for but it was not for modesty.

In fact, there is some evidence that patients in the psychiatric ward of the hospital designed the hospital gown as a group therapy project. It has absolutely no practical - or impractical for that matter - purpose in this life. The hospital gown could be classified as the cross-purpose-driven garment.

Several days have passed since leaving my hospital oasis, giving me some time for reflection. The hardest thing for a person like me is to wait. I have my agenda and I dare the person to stand in my way.

God, however, has devised marvelous ways of incorporating into our daily regime opportunities to practice this illusive virtue.

A passage from the Psalms keeps running through the back of my mind. "My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah." (Psalms 62:5-8 KJV.)

Nurses, bedpans and X-rated hospital gowns are not the real issues of a hospital stay. Trusting God in adversity is the most important.

 

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2005 James Snyder
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
March 2005
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
1373
 

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