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Dead-To-The-World Man Walking
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TITLE (EDIT)
Dead-To-The-World Man Walking
DESCRIPTION
One morning this week, I woke up with a black eye. How I got it still baffles me. I have my suspicions, of course, but some things are better left to themselves no matter how lonely they may get.

[891 words]
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor
AUTHOR
James Snyder
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living with his wife, Martha, in Ocala, Florida and can be contacted at jamessnyder2@att.net.
[October 2009]
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
jamessnyder2@att.net
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (15)
A Cup Of Joe Says A Lot About Us (Short Stories) This week I came face-to-face with a genuine dilemma. I had several meetings across town and for some reason I miscalculated and ended up with a 2-1/2 hour gap between meetings. I hate to waste time, ... [902 words]
A Page From Betty Crocker’S Cookbook (Essays) Recently, while sitting in my chair drinking the last of my breakfast coffee, a thought staggered into my mind. I must confess most thoughts are quite lonely once they enter my mind, but this one had ... [860 words] [Humor]
A Silent Night — Not At My House (Essays) People say, as they get older their hearing is not what it used to be. I have found this to be true for myself. The older I get, and I plan to get as old as I can, the more I hear noises in the middle... [895 words] [Humor]
Be Happy, Join The Wednesday Worry Club (Essays) Of all the people who know me, no one would say I am afflicted with worryitis. They may say other things about me, which may or may not be true, but that's another story. [918 words] [Humor]
How To Cash In On Your ‘Ailment Capital' (Essays) Right after the president won his re-election bid for the White House, he made an interesting comment. He said he was going to spend his "political capital" wisely. At first, I did not understand wha... [926 words] [Humor]
If All Things Are Possible,” Why Can't I Balance My Checkbook? (Short Stories) For me, the most terrible time of each month is the day our bank statement comes. We commonly call it BSS (Bank Statement Syndrome). I don't know why it is, but I have trouble getting the parsonage ch... [904 words] [Humor]
In My House, If It's Broken I Bought It (Essays) Often a store has a sign with the warning, "You break it, you bought it." This is to keep people from carelessly handling the merchandise. I'm thinking of another sign, which should be posted all thr... [907 words] [Humor]
Malice In “I Wonder Who I Am” Land (Essays) For many years I maintained confidence in my personal identity. I knew exactly who I was and was quite comfortable in my skin. Although, I must confess my skin used to fit me better than it does these... [885 words]
Now That I'm Older, I'm Still Not Wiser (Essays) Now that summer is over and the children are back in school I found myself indulging in a little bit of retrospective thinking. It took some doing but I was able to think all the back to when I was a ... [883 words] [Humor]
Nurses, Bedpans And X-Rated Hospital Gowns (Essays) Tuesday last I awoke from my nightly slumber with terrific pain in my chest, much like an elephant break-dancing on my chest. It was painful just to breathe, but like the trooper I am, I shrugged it o... [923 words] [Humor]
Old Phil Propagated A Good Old Hoax (Essays) It began as all things begin n a long period of boredom with nothing exciting to do. Whoever said, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop,” knew something of what they were speaking. [882 words]
The One Great Sermon That Got Away (Essays) Most people don't realize ministers are obligated to prepare and preach one great sermon in their career. In looking over my record of sermons, I noticed many "good" sermons, but an obvious lack in th... [886 words] [Humor]
Who Has The Greatest Job In The World? (Essays) I have, in my opinion, the world's perfect job. Just look at the evidence. I love people and I love God. I love talking to people about God and I love talking to God about people. Therefore, if you p... [963 words] [Humor]
‘And How Do We Feel This Morning?' (Essays) Without question, going to the hospital is teamwork from the time you arrive until you are wheeled out the front door. Everyone is working together for the common good of the patient, or at least a cr... [909 words] [Humor]
‘I'm Not A Christian, But I Play One On Sunday' (Essays) After more than three decades of church ministry, I have come to one unsettling conclusion. Actually, I've come to more than one conclusion, but this one is the most depressing. That conclusion is si... [890 words] [Humor]
Dead-To-The-World Man Walking
James Snyder

One morning this week, I woke up with a black eye. How I got it still baffles me. I have my suspicions, of course, but some things are better left to themselves no matter how lonely they may get.

In getting older, I have realized certain things are changing in my body. For example, I now find myself walking in my sleep. This is a new experience for me and I'm not sure what it means or what I should do about it.

On the positive side, walking in my sleep is about the only exercise I really get these days, so I should not complain too much. It is nice to know at my age some things are still working even if it is when I am unconscious. My problem has escalated to the point where I have begun wearing sneakers to bed. Of course, I don’t wear anything else and when I find myself three blocks down the street, my sneakers had better be PDF (pretty dashing fast).

Walking in my sleep is not that bad, except for my mysterious black eye.

Not only am I walking in my sleep, but also my wife has accused me of talking in my sleep. Actually, in my own defense, talking in my sleep is the only time I get a word in edgewise. I guess in the middle of the night I'm trying to make up for this lack during the day.

Lately, I have talked so much in my sleep I wake up a little horse, which just may explain why I have been eating like one lately.

Unfortunately, my talking during the night has kept my wife awake so much; she recently requested I start preaching in my sleep so she can get to sleep.

I used to have trouble falling asleep at night. I tried counting sheep but their bleating kept me awake. When I lay there wide-awake, I began worrying about those sheep. Did someone feed them? And, am I going to have to shear all those sheep myself?

Each night I try to get in 40 winks but by the time I reach number 33 I lose count and have to start all over again. The older I get the more my sleep resembles a salad – well tossed.

Actually, noises in the night upset me the most. Sleep has a way of bringing out the noise in our house, from a dripping faucet down the hall to a creaking window shutter in the living room. It's amazing how intelligent these noises in the night can be. They are quiet until I'm just about ready to drift off into la-la-land.

For example, as far as we know we have no mice in our house. We have never seen any evidence of such critters in our blessed domicile. Yet, in the middle of the night I hear these little critters gnawing the wall right by my head. How they know where I sleep and when I go to sleep is one of the mysteries of these diminutive night stalkers.

Through the years, I have tried many things to help me get to sleep at night. For some reason I have no trouble going to sleep during the daytime particularly in the afternoon. I call these “power naps,” the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage has another name for them, which I cannot repeat here for obvious reasons, my health being the primary one.

I’ve tried everything to help me fall asleep at night. Once I placed my shoes and socks right next to my bed before I go to sleep. Although it had its intended effect upon me, it also had an adverse effect upon the other occupant of my bed.

No matter when I go to bed nor how long I have slept, I always need just one minute more of sleep. Why is it I can hear the drip of a faucet down the hall but I can't hear the clanging alarm clock at my head? Eventually, when I do full asleep the crack of dawn awakens me.

My wife, trying to assist me in my nocturnal dilemma, suggested I try some hot cocoa right before going to sleep. For the most part, it does work. My only difficulty with hot cocoa is if I don't drink it quickly enough I begin nodding halfway through and spill it on my chest. I can assure you it's a real eye opener.

I am reminded of a verse of scripture that addresses this subject. David, the Psalmist observes, "It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep" (Psalms 127:2 KJV).

And then, who could overlook Psalms 121:3-4 (KJV), "He [God] will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep."

Now, back to my black eye. I really have no recollection of how this happened. My wife has tried explaining it to me by pointing out, most correctly, that lately I have been walking in my sleep. No argument from me. Then she explained while I was walking in my sleep the other night I walked into the bathroom door causing the black eye.

I'm not in any position to question her, but I noticed she was rubbing her right fist most tenderly.

 

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2006 James Snyder
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
April 2006
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
1205
 

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