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On Turning Sixty Robert Levin
Although it�s brought me that much closer to transforming into worm food, I�ve found that turning sixty is not without its compensations.
While it�s true, for example, that my member isn�t getting a proper supply of blood anymore�and that I can no longer write my name in the sand and must settle for my initials�I can still have lots of fun with it. Thanks to an ever-enlarging prostate gland that�s threatening to devour my bladder, my urine stream now bifurcates at the exit point. This means that I can whiz into the toilet and the adjacent bathtub at the same time�which is a kick. My urologist says that while he can make no promises, there�s a good chance that in the not too distant future I�ll be capable of TRIfurcating. This will enable me to whiz into the toilet, the bathtub AND the laundry basket simultaneously.
I can�t wait.
And by making it possible to legitimately deflect questions that have always rankled the hell out of me (�Isn�t it time you threw out those Smurf jars with the petrified flecks of premixed peanut butter �n� jelly down toward the bottom?� is a persistent one that never fails to put me in a homicidal rage), my newly developed hearing loss has a terrific upside as well. Not, to be sure, that its downside isn�t just as major. I mean, how many invitations to lunch have I blown? How many people have said, �Let me buy you lunch,� and I�ve said in reply, �But we still don�t have bin Laden.�? (As thorny as this problem is, I�ve managed to ease it somewhat by saying, maybe a dozen times a morning to people who appear to be talking to me, �Thanks, I�d love to.� Though probably several hundred of them have walked away from me very quickly�and two, I guess they had their reasons, punched me in the stomach�I�ve gotten six lunches doing this that I would otherwise have missed out on. Not to mention a free ticket to a WAYNE NEWTON concert!)
But if the benefits and drawbacks of my hearing impairment more or less cancel out each other, the short-term memory loss that�s accompanied my sexagenarianism has a plus side that actually outweighs its minus side. I�m speaking, of course, of the guarantee it can afford me that a movie I�m going to will be a good one. I�ll notice, for instance, an ad for a movie and tell a friend about it. The friend will advise me that I saw the movie just a week ago. I�ll ask him if I liked it and if he says, �Yeah, you couldn�t stop talking about it,� I�ll think, hey, how often does a movie come with THAT kind of recommendation and I�ll go immediately to see it. I�m told that I�ve seen �Pearl Harbor� eight times now.
(I might add here that being strictly of the short-term variety, my memory loss in no way affects my ability to remember the last time I had sex.)
But of the many compensatory rewards that turning sixty provides (and you�ll agree they are not inconsiderable) there�s one that I value above all others. Although I can still croak at a relatively early age I�ve been spared the embarrassment of a TRAGICALLY early demise.
READER'S REVIEWS (2) DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoyed your essay. Write on." -- Cedric McClester.
"I agree with Cedric... But I am fifty-four... And I think I enjoyed it more... And I don't know this may start a fight between two old farts... You do know how two Old farts will fight about anything... Looking forward to turning sixty... By the way did I tell you... I agree with Cedric??? BrokenWordsPoet............. " -- James W. McRight Jr., Ruffin , SC, USA.
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