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The Pratmeister gives you the lowdown on the worst country in the world.
The Pratmeister is coming to get you!
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (13)
Assholes (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister is in a mood. Again. [150 words] [Humor]
If You Like Me... (Poetry) A tone poem, thoughtfully composed by the Pratmeister in tranquil contemplation, whilst taking a dump this afternoon. [64 words] [Humor]
Lying Little Liars - In Other Words, Our Government And It's Party Political Propaganda Tool - The Media (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister is becoming political. [338 words]
Nicole Cornes Can Suck My Balls (Non-Fiction) The pratmeister gently points out to a "Sunday Mail" columnist where she is going wrong in life. [535 words] [Humor]
Oh Australia, How I Hate Thee (Non-Fiction) Let me count the ways... [505 words] [Humor]
Out With The Old, In With The Young (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives his overview of 2005, and what he expects for 2006. [525 words] [Humor]
Perverts (Non-Fiction) The world is going insane - but the pratmeister will reassure you you're not alone in thinking so. [322 words] [Humor]
Prudes (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister feels a rant coming on again. Oh dear. [355 words] [Humor]
Rant Of The Week (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister tells it like it is on the hot topics of the day. [796 words] [Humor]
Shame Para Hills High School, Shame! (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister has a gutless bunch of High School bureaucratic tosspots firmly in his sights this week. [191 words] [Humor]
The Aussie Media Are Full Of Shit (Short Stories) The Pratmeister has had enough of the bullshit foisted on the Aussie public as "news" and "current affairs". [510 words] [Humor]
The Pratmeister's Guide To Australia (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives you the unofficial history of the Aussies. [379 words] [Humor]
What The World Wide Web Thinks Of Aussies (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives you a look at what real people think of the worst country in the world. [2,053 words] [Humor]
The Pratmeister will tell the truth when others
RANT OF THE WEEK
Australians suck. Come on, you all know
it, including the Aussies reading this, if
there are any Aussies who can do things
like read, of course, which is open to
debate in and of itself.
Why do they suck?
Arrogance can be fun; I'd know. But
generally arrogance is only fun if the
person or persons being arrogant actually
has something to be arrogant ABOUT.
I, for instance, have my scintillating wit
and strong stelling skills to crow about.
The Aussies? Er...well, they're good at
sport. Allegedly. Actually the only sport
they're halfway competent at is fucking
cricket, a game so fucking boring even
the people who invented it could give a
fuck these days. Which is why the Aussies
win at it. Everyone else has got better
things to think about. Not the Aussies,
fuck no. But surely being competent at
one stupid game can't be the only thing
they're arrogant about? That level of
sheer obnoxiousness would need more
than that to sustain it, surely. Well fuck
me but I can't think of fuck all else they've
got any right to be arrogant about. How
stupid they are, perhaps? How utterly
incompetent they are at the simplest,
most menial tasks? Stuff you could train
a monkey do gives most Aussies a
serious migraine. This place has never
achieved anything. They couldn't even
get rid of the Aborigines.
2 The Rank Stupidity
"G'day cobber", "G'day sport", "let's
throw another shrimp on the barbie".
This is how Aussies really talk. Day in,
day out. The most common of them all
however - and easily the most irritating -
is "No worries". This famous retort is used
in any and all situations. Your Prime
Minister's a gutless wonder? No worries.
Your population is ageing and apethetic?
No worries. Noone bar rich bastards can
afford to go to Uni, meaning in a few years
they'll only be a few faggoty millionaire's
sons qualified to do fucking anything?
No worries, we're the clever country.
Like fuck you are.
3) The Unsociability
Australians have a reputation for
being one of the friendliest people in
No, they don't. This reputation comes
from a carefully orchestrated publicity
campaign devised by the Australian
Government - together with Paul
Hogan - in the 1980s. Like most things
from the 1980s, this is clearly bullshit
to anyone lucky enough not to BE
Australian, but unlucky enough to have
to had visited or God Forbid live in the
fucking dump. They really are the most
uncivilised, unfriendly, anti-social bastards
on the planet. Even Middle Eastern
religious fanatics will give you a warmer
welcome - usually with a bomb, it must
be admitted, but warmer nonetheless. At
least they actually CARE enough to want
to kill you quick. Australians kill you slowly
by simply refusing to acknowledge you
even fucking exist.
4 The Women
All Australian women are dykes. Or at
least working on it.
Disagree? You've obviously never met
one. Have penis? Won't talk to you.
Have vagina? Ooh, let me lick it for you.
The majority of them aren't even
attractive, the rest cease to be after the
age of about twenty-two due to the
increased ageing caused by the Aussie
sun. Their rank, sour personalities may
also contribute to this, though this has
yet to be scientifically determined.
5 You'll Never Leave
Once you've had the misfortune to
come to Australia, you're trapped, doomed
to a diet of witchety grubs and pie floaters
for the rest of your natural. Which won't
be long, don't fret, ten years is the most
non-Australians last before feeding
themselves to a crocodile. Which roam
the streets unchecked, by the way.
Why? Partly because the place is so
far away from fucking anywhere even
remotely civilised. Unless you want to
be surrounded by gobbledygook speaking
Asians day in, day out. And in that case
you may as well just go to University,
they're the only ones who can fucking
afford it nowadays.
And partly because the Aussie economy
is so shot to shit, the exchange rate to
try and go fucking anywhere is impossible.
Wanna go to Australia? Oh yeah, you'll
make a fortune. Wanna leave? Only
if you wanna be a fucking homeless
person the rest of your life. Which might
still be preferable to living in Australia.
If you want further proof of how dumb
Aussies really are, look at who they have
voted in as Prime Minister again and
again and afuckingain for the last nine
fucking years. How stupid can you get?
Ask an Aussie!
Fuck you and Goodnight!
|READER'S REVIEWS (23)
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"Crude but funny. And at times disturbingly accurate!" -- Kevin, Australia.
"Kind of lame and pathetic dribble that but like most things a Pom does (I'm guessing you're a Pom cause you sure as hell whinge like one) I give you 10/10 for effort. However actual output only gets a 2/10. Sorry. Please try harder next time." -- King Aussie.
"Ha ha, did I hit a nerve? The truth hurts, doesn't it? Just cause we beat you at Cricket, ha ha! Aussies are the biggest losers on the planet! You hear me - LOOOOOOOSEEEERRRRSSSSSS!" -- the pratmeister, Adelaide, SA, Australia.
"My mother fucking dog could write better than this, and i don't even have a dog, you fucking pom, suck my dick, you beat us once out of ??????? Well that's ok we'll beat you next time. Oh and i don't really think you pull females, rather cross dressers, but of course that would make sense as you probably haven't taken a bath in about six months, as well living in fucking Adelaide, Westie. Put that in your mouth Biatch." -- Hugh, Newcastle, NSW, Aussie.
"Hugh, buddy, don't stop, keep it up. Your reviews are so funny and are doing my job of exposing Aussies as dumb fucks far better than I ever could. You rule!" -- thePratmeister.
"The only thing funny is your pathetic attempts at Humour, once again, you cant seem to think of anything else than a "i know you are but what am i" type response, the only one doing any revealing about being a dumb fuck is really yourself, mate. You really must have no friends." -- Hugh.
"Hugh, you still need to learn your place in the feeding chain. The offer for the Jail party still stands. Guys like you need to be fucked...by other guys. Just to teach you a lesson, i will take one for the team. I live in Adelaide also, so come on down and we will show you what really goes down in the South parklands after dark. Put that in your asspipe and smoke it. " -- Jimmy.
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© 2005 Thepratmeister
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