It seems the tears will never stop.My mind and brow ache from sobs, my eyes are swollen and blurred.I see no beginning and no end, just the misery, the heart wrenching agony that not even my screams can silence.I can see myself like this forever, but forever will never be enough.
Gradually, uncontrollable grief turned to just grief.A facade of calmness .My eyes betray me though -there is nothing behind them.
I go through the motions of living: shopping, eating, going to bed at night, getting up in the morning, talking- but not smiling. I will never do that again.
I lie in bed not sleeping, like I do every night. I will never sleep again.I dream about her.Bad dreams. It is always the same.She is in the car.There is a van.Then pain and  terror.Over and over and over.Then I would wake up on her side of the bed, pillow clutched to my chest, sweat- slick ,my heart racing.
I will not sleep again.


          I lie now, on my side of our bed, the empty half taunting me. Her pillow useless, the sheets always cold.I lie listening to the tick of my alarm clock waiting for the dawn.
I look up and she is there! Standing by the door, half in shadow. My wife! Her hair is still curled , she is wearing her grey jumper.
But I know her grey jumper is in the drawer and my wife is in the ground.
The alarm beeps and she is gone.


         She appears every night, before dawn and before my alarm. She is always still, saying nothing, staring at me.Her blue eyes just staring.And I stare back. I am frozen. She stares at me and I stare back.
       Am I losing my mind?...She is alive...she is haunting me...I am dreaming...
I am losing my mind- that's what I think in the day light.I am losing my mind.
But in the night; alone in our empty dark house, in our empty dark room, in our empty dark bed, I know the truth. She is back. Back to haunt me.Back to watch me.Watching me in the shadows to the tick of the clock and the cars outside.
She watches me and I watch her.



I suppose I died. What else could of happened.This did not feel like life.Cloudy, unreal, hazy times.
I remember being here in this place.Being there, but not being there.
I see you on the street, no need to avoid the pedestrians:they're not where I am and I'm not with them.
I see you in the office, cold and suited, but you don't see me.
I see you in the car, I am there too, but you don't see me.
I see you in the kitchen not-reading the paper and chewing slowly, but you don't see me.
I see you in our bed, and you can see me!


You don't speak and I don't speak.I don't do that anymore.
Your face is sad, you have bags under your eyes, and your mouth turns down.
I want to tell you to smile, but I don't speak anymore.
I know you don't sleep and you cry in the cubicle at work.
I think you should smile, but you don't do that anymore.
I want to cry for you, but I don't cry any more.


There she is again!By the door.Staring at me with those accusing blue eyes.
What does she want?
WHAT DOES SHE WANT!
Let me be.Let me sleep!
I can feel her now.Everyday.
Everywhere I go her eyes are on me.I feel them in meetings, in the shop, in the car.
Leave me ALONE!
I hurl my mug at her, but she's still there.I can't leave the room, shes in the way.
I sit on our bed, clutching our duvet around me.
Clutching our duvet around me, waiting for the dawn.



You don't talk to our friends anymore.I saw Molly on the street, but you ignored her and walked away.
I wanted to tell her you were just sad, but I don't speak anymore.
Molly looked sad too.
I am here again.In our room.You are angry now, angry and awake.I try to tell you to smile, but I don't speak.
You came home early from work.I saw you quit.No one tried to stop you.
Molly called again, but you wouldn't talk.You hid in the kitchen.
I see you now.I don't want you to be alone.



Oh God!She knows.I know she knows.That's why shes haunting me.Shes punishing me.God is punishing me.I see her every night.Watching me.Accusing me with her cold blue eyes.
I can't take it.I can't TAKE IT!
It was an accident!We never meant for you to find out.We were so careful- you were supposed to be at work.
But I looked up and you were there.Staring at us.Staring at me in our bed with our friend.
You stared at us, and we stared back.
You ran.I tried to stop you, but you drove away.
             I was alone in our bed when I got the call.You were dead.You are dead and I am alone on our bed.
Stop watching me!STOP WATCHING ME!!!



You are sad.I want to tell you to smile, but I don't speak anymore.
Its okay.I wont leave you alone again.