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Moses And The Parting Of The Red Sea
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Moses And The Parting Of The Red Sea
A story adapted from the greatest work of fiction ever written. I would seriously advise against any devout Christians actually reading this. That's not an apology, it's merely a warning.
I kick arse for the Lord.
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Moses And The Parting Of The Red Sea
‘Almighty God, once again the people of Israel and I, Moses, desire your divine intervention. We are trapped in front by the waves in our path and from behind by the Pharoah’s army as it closes in on us fast. Will you not help us once again in escaping this cursed land?’
There was hardly a second’s gap before the voice of the Almighty boomed down from the sky. The clouds that covered it seemed to billow and part with each word.
‘I will, good Moses. ’ And that was all that was said.
As the people waited by the shore, chattering amongst themselves in expectancy of what might have been about to happen, Moses found a small rock to sit on and took off his shoes. He himself was in much quieter anticipation, not because he wasn’t grateful for whatever spectacle his fabulous God was about to produce, it was just that he had seen a lot of it before and, above all, his feet were hurting like hell.
He rubbed them all the way to the toes and sighed.
‘How long do you think it’ll be before the army come?’ The voice came from an elderly fellow standing to the side of Moses. He was looking up at the sky with his hands clasped tightly in front of him.
‘It won’t be long.’ said Moses. ‘Have faith in your Creator, dear friend. We will be far across the sea by the time they reach this land.’
There was a pause whilst the man turned his gaze away from the clouds and towards Moses.
‘Look,’ he said, lowering his voice. ‘That’s all very well when you’re talking to the masses but it just won’t wash with me. Half of them over there are two locusts short of a plague if you ask me so please don’t insult my intelligence by spouting me that load of bull. Now, tell me – how long?’
‘Erm, about half an hour.’ said Moses, slightly taken aback.
‘Wonderful,’ said the man. ‘So it’s safe to say that there’s quite a large possibility that we’re all going to die?’
‘Well, yes, but I promise you, the –’
‘– Almighty will carry us through this, I know, I know. Jesus, what are you running on, Energizer? You’re like one of those sodding bunnies. On and on and on – you’ve been like it all day. Free this, plague that, curse the other – don’t you ever stop?’
‘I beg your pardon?’ Moses was starting to think the man’s tone rather rude. ‘Lest you forget, I’ve just liberated you and your people from the control of an extremely evil man. At least if you die now, you’ll die free.’
The man looked confused.
‘Yes –’ he said quizzically. ‘– but I’d be dead wouldn’t I?’
‘Well, look here,’ said Moses sternly. ‘It’s not all fun and games for me you know. My feet are bloody well throbbing, I’ve had far less than a good meal for almost a week now, the heat’s been doing God knows what for my complexion and I’ve had just about enough of shouting up into the sky like a raving lunatic.’
Moses’ last few words were drowned out by a thunderous sound coming from the ocean. The people on the shore froze in immediate silence as they looked towards waves that were now rolling and crashing together violently in the distance. Moses stood up from his rock and hurriedly brushed past the old man to the forefront of the group.
‘Our dear God,’ he shouted into the commotion. ‘We are most grateful for your devotion to our cause and, as I see the waves parting and a –’
Then there was nothing. The noise from the sea died down and the waves were relatively calm again. There was still no way to pass and Moses didn’t know what to do. It was unlike God to be so slapdash with his miracle giving.
‘He’s buggered off!’ shouted a voice from the back of the crowd. It was the old man again but Moses chose to ignore him.
‘Our dear God,’ he said into the sky once more, calmly this time. ‘Will you not continue to open a path as you see fit? The people of Israel and I are willing to worship you till the end of our days for the kindness you display now. Will you not –’ There was a skyward rumble as his words were cut short.
‘Will you just give me a second? ’ boomed the Almighty. ‘For Christ’s sake, Moses, it’s a bloody great ocean, not a fucking roller blind. ’
|READER'S REVIEWS (3)
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"Wow - you're going to get some nasty reviews i bet but this was a fun read and i've a hunch the guy upstairs has a pretty good sense of humor and is laughing a bit too." -- Just A Guy.
"This is good stuff,it reminds me of a review someone gave me on my piece called Iraq attack,when Noah was trying to build the ark,and couldnt get planning permission and stuff.Very similar .If it was thanks and if it wasnt good work.PS it was signed God." -- Stuart Eric Longridge, Belfast.
"No, I have to admit that it wasn't me, but i did read it and find it very amusing. Noah was going to be the focus of my next piece as well! Bugger." -- Rowan Davies (Author).
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© 2003 Rowan Davies
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