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Changing To Go Out
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TITLE (EDIT)
Changing To Go Out
DESCRIPTION
In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task.

[444 words]
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor
AUTHOR
Xoggoth
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
-
[March 2004]
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25)
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The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor]
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The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words]
The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor]
The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words]
The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor]
The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words]
The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony (Short Stories) Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance. [1,377 words]
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Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
Changing To Go Out
Xoggoth

We were going to the pictures and already a bit late but the wife was ages in the lavatory.

Sorry, she said, but I couldn't find my fanny, it's in the small of my back today and I had to use the shaving mirror to locate it.

Ever since the Iranians dropped the genetic accelerator bomb on the UK we have had problems like this. We mutate so rapidly it's hard to keep up.

Driving to the cinema took longer than I expected too, it's hard enough when the foot you usually operate the accelerator pedal with is protruding from your midriff, but even worse when it is equipped with a huge mouth that keeps involuntarily biting the dashboard. None of my five eyes were optimally positioned for driving that evening either. So we were late for the main feature and then I tripped over somebody's tentacles getting to our seats.

I sucked on my orange Fanta, slowly moving the straw lower and lower to keep up with the only mouth that was connected to my oesophagus, and which had (by complete coincidence) been almost normally positioned earlier. Now it was migrating south. I had to stop drinking for a while until it reappeared below my jumper and by then my drink was warm.

Still, it was nice to watch the film and remember how we used to be once, two arms, two legs, a face with eyes, nose and mouth and everything so symmetrical. The love scenes made us even more nostalgic. Like most couples we had long since given up any thought of lovemaking. The long search for the necessary parts and the off-putting things like external gall bladders were bad enough but one never knew what might have become equipped with poison barbs or fangs.

The film ended. My eyes were moist, which was annoying, I hate having damp socks. No sign of the wife. After everyone else had managed to leave I found her spread out under several seats. That was quite unusual, losing all one's bones in 90 minutes, but I daresay she would have some tomorrow or a suitable substitute. I rolled her up and put her in the boot of the car.

It took me nearly an hour to drive the ten miles home as by then I had thirteen arms and seven legs and they protruded from a huge lump at the opposite end of my body (?) to my eyes. It was very confusing.

I unrolled the wife and put her to bed. Maybe we could go to that craft show tomorrow dear if you feel up to it?

The two halves of her swiftly developing shell clicked together in the affirmative.

 

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Xoggoth
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
February 2004
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
1387
 

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