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An Intimate Conversation With The Powers That Be
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An Intimate Conversation With The Powers That Be
From the mind of the hopeless cynic, comes a very strange but brief look inside the male perspective, females should take a gander. Dedicated to Lea Van Cleef, and my sister Kriistal Tighe, who insipred this piece of prose.
Robert G Hagans
I used to be a hopless romantic, your average Lloyd Dobler. But at 19, I'm re-evaluating my life. I am becoming a realist, more like a Rob Gordon. Niether optimistic nor pessimistic (well, I'll try) but sensible. The cosmic connection that I've spent my entire life looking for is probably still out there, I'm just no longer obsessed with finding it. And I'm happy about that. For once in the last year and a half, I'm happy... sort of.
I'm a writer mainly (short stories/screenplays) and an aspiring film maker. I am currently directing a film that I wrote called How to Escape a Black Hole . It's all about the hassles of living in a small town and feeling trapped within. I like to meet other film makers out there doing the same things I'm doing, so drop me a line sometime, ya hear?
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (10)
Fade To Light: In The Light Of A Shadow (Short Stories) This is the final chapter of the series. It ties up all the loose ends...for now. It also features the climatic battle between Jessica and Skye. [2,450 words] [Action]
In The Light Of A Shadow (Short Stories) A professional killer tries to escape her violent past...no one said it would be easy. This is just part One. I will post part 2 if I get good feed-back. [3,952 words] [Action]
In The Light Of A Shadow: Showdown In The House Of God (Short Stories) This is the second chapter in the seris about a professional killer tries to escape her past...she doesn't get very far. It is now followed by Fade to Light, the final chapter. [2,561 words] [Action]
Lock-In: A Teen Dramedy (Screenplays) From the person known as The Hopless Cynic, comes a script with a unique take on teen life, more specifically, previous events in my life. I hoped to immortalize it on film, but it was not to be. Enjo... [18,379 words] [Teenage]
The Hopeless Cynic: All That Glitters... (Essays) The Robster on love and relationships...watch your step ladies and gents. Here's to you EC. [995 words] [Comedy]
The Hopeless Cynic: Believing In Believing (Essays) Seems like a good time to submit this. It's not as coherant as some of my other works, but it's my most upbeat. Dedicated to Cameron Crowe, Tom Cruise and Charlie Cotterman. [1,395 words] [Motivational]
The Hopeless Cynic: Let's Get Typical (Essays) It's been forever, but I thought it was time to make a comeback. My latest on the subject of women, love and relationships. Specifically, the first early warning system for guys to discover what type ... [2,288 words] [Comedy]
The Hopless Cynic: Masochistic Summer (Essays) The Robster takes a definitive stake forward in the ongoing battle of the sexes. Women beware, the Robster is on to your game. Dedicated to John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John, and the Happy Couple (you... [1,219 words] [Comedy]
The Hopless Cynic: The High School Experience (Essays) After a hiatus, the Robster is back, with a look back at High School. Dedicated to Charlie Cotterman, my beloved theatre class (plus Andy Stilling), J.D. Salinger, Zach Morris, and all the high school... [1,243 words] [Humor]
There Is Hope: The Hopeless Cynic (Essays) Here's a follow up to my last. Enjoy it. The Robster strikes again. Dedicated to Charlie Cotterman and the man formerly known as EC Allen. [985 words] [Comedy]
An Intimate Conversation With The Powers That Be
Robert G Hagans
"I think we should break up with this girl. Non-communication, broken dates, dysfunction, excessive fighting, etc., etc, this is just a bad situation to be in." says the Brain.
"I disagree," says the Heart, "I have strong feelings for her."
"And where else are you gonna get poontang from huh Mr. Smarty Pants? That kinda thing just don't happen every fucking day."
"While I don't agree with your reasoning, Penis, anything to keep you quiet is preferable." The Brain says. He continues, "As for you, Mr. Heart, your logic is constantly flawed by your confounded feelings and so you and I are at a constant impasse."
"Yes, it seems like we never agree," says the Heart with a smile."
"Maybe we should just get drunk for once and then get some new poontang and then see how we really feel, huh guys?! Who’s up for that shit?!"
"God if it weren't for my self preservation protocols, I might consider cutting him off." says the Brain tiredly.
“Oh fuck you Brain, if I wasn’t around to shut you up every once in a while, we’d go insane.”
“He’s right Brain.” Says the Heart.
“YOU’RE AGREEING WITH THE PENIS?”
“Fuck yeah, he is!”
“It’s just that you go on and on…sometimes it’s just incessant chatter. When Penis does his thing, everyone is happy and there is some peace and quiet for a change.”
“Why Mr. Heart, I had no idea you felt that way.”
“It’s not a feeling—”
“—it’s a fact motherfucker!”
“SHUT UP PENIS!”
“But he’s right!” insists the Heart. “It’s a plain simple fact.”
“What do YOU know of facts, Mr. Heart?
“Are you saying I am incapable of simple logic?”
“That’s EXACTLY what I’m saying.”
“How dare you!”
“No, how dare you speak to me of facts when your feelings render you incapable of logic of any kind!”
“You’ve got no proof!” says the Heart.
“Okay, who was the one who agreed with Penis to give our Ex (of all people) another chance after that incident Nathan’s party? Who was that? I’m curious.”
“Given her past behaviors and nature you could make a prediction, which I did, that it would become common place. But you disagreed, correct?”
The Heart sighs, “Correct.”
“You were not able to spot a FACT when it came along because of what?”
“Oh fuck you Brain, don’t chastise me because you are devoid of anything but analytical jargon, but I do have some semblance of logic. How do you think I decide what love is?”
“I have never quite figured that out Heart, how (and with what flawed logic) do you decide what love is and what isn’t. I thought you just based it on what chemical reaction felt the most like an LSD trip.”
“Damn! Look at the ass on that little Philly. I’d like to tame that wild pony. You know what I’m saying boys?”
“I swear to Christ, Penis! Can’t you just be quiet while the Brain and I have this discussion?”
“Hells no! You wanna talk about love, then you got to involve me.”
“How do you figure, you sorry excuse for an appendage?!”
“Well, wrinkles, it’s like this. When we see a girl, square one, moment one, second one, she gotta catch my eye, y’know, right off the bat, so I can alert the two of you.
“You can’t tell if she’s capable of intelligent conversation, BRAIN, or someone you can fall in love with HEART, just by looking at her. But you can tell whether she’s good enough to get me stiff. It all goes from there baby!”
“Goddammit, I hate when he makes sense!” says the Brain.
“I know,” the Heart agrees. “He’s quite annoying when he does that.”
“See, I’m logical too,” says the Penis. “I got the best of all worlds.”
“Somehow I doubt that.”
“Oh yeah, Brain. Well when you get old, crazy and got Alzheimer’s, I’ll still be able to pop up occasionally to scare the ol’ grandkids. Heh heh.”
“Only if I remember to take my Viagra.”
“Oooh, nice comeback Brain!”
“Thank you, Mr. Heart.”
“But you still didn’t answer my question.” The Brain says.
“I will, as long as I’m NOT INTERUPTED AGAIN!”
“Hey man, I made my point, you two go ahead and do your thing. I’m gonna get so stiff this cutie next to us won’t be able to ignore the tent in my boy’s pants. Look at that rack!”
“Anyway, Mr. Heart, you were saying…”
The Heart ponders for a moment. “Love is…unity.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean between us. I mean yes there are emotions involved. Bliss, hope, wonder, contentment—”
“—You’re describing a state of euphoria.”
“Yes, but it comes from the unity.”
“Unity of what?”
“Of…us. The three of us content in our own specific ways with the being of our affection.”
“I noticed you used the word ‘being’ instead of ‘object’.”
“Women are not objects Brain.”
“I wish that this girl next to us would grab THIS OBJECT.”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, PENIS—”
“Don’t give into him Brain. You do that too much already. Don’t let him get the better of you.”
“I am better than him.”
“Shut up, Penis.”
“Heh heh.” The Penis laughs.
“You’re right Heart, I shouldn’t let the Penis rattle me so. And I think at this point, I agree with your “logic” on love. It seems truly sound. The unity of us all releases a feeling—a general state of Euphoria, causing what you call love.”
“Ha! Have you heard my new euphemism for it?”
“Ah yes, the ‘cosmic connection.’ And yes, I do grasp the possible humor there.”
“I don’t see what’s so fucking funny.”
“You wouldn’t, you ignorant reaction to hormones.”
“And proud of it.”
“Ugh. But that still doesn’t solve our problem gentlemen. Are we going to break up with this girl or not?”
“Well if we go on Heart’s definition, even though I likes to get my Willie whacked, we certainly aren’t ‘in sync’ with all that cosmic connection bullshit, if we’re doin’ all this bitchin’.”
“He has a point, Heart.”
“I know. It’s just I had become attached to this girl, because sometimes we were in sync, but it never lasts.”
“So she’s not The One,” says the Penis.
The Heart is taken aback. “What do you know of The One, Penis?”
The Penis is evasive. “I know enough.” Then he adds, “I know that when we find her, she’s gonna fit me like a glove. Oh yeah, baby!”
“Pity…I thought for a moment that there might be some hope left for The Penis.”
“Don’t count him out yet, Brain. He may just surprise you.”
“Can we just make the damn phone call and break up with this girl so we can drop this?!”
“By all means, Penis, by all means.” Says the Brain.
“Yes…lets.” The Heart sighs.
|READER'S REVIEWS (4)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"Much better" -- The Advisor.
"Rob, I'm certain that Lea would've appreciated your dedication to her if she were still with us. So I wish to thank you in her place." -- The Advisor.
"brilliant and funny. oh how you have expressed what the rest of us only mumble in our heads- hearts, dicks?... p.s who the hell is the advisor?" -- Jorge Freire.
"Well, since Rob never answered the question posed by this rather rude, Jorge Freire, I suppose I will. Quite simply I am the Advisor, and for better or worse I am the only advisor that the Storymania site has, though I work in an unofficial capacity. For your information Jorge, or for anyone else who ever reads this, and actually cares, I have followed Robert Hagan's work for quite some time now, because once long ago he asked me to, and I have kept that promise. Now and again, I re-read the work to see if I might be able to further my commentary in some constructive way, or just to see what other commentary has occurred to his work. Rob specifically mentioned dedicating this work to Lea VanCleef, who was an acquaintence of both of ours, and who has since tragically died due to a vehicular homicide. I had mentioned this to Rob in this very review column, to inform him that he was writing posthumous praise for her. When Rob made some corrections to this work, my other comments were deleted. The comments that I made afterward refer to that first review. That is who the hell the Advisor is.--The Advisor" -- JA St.George.
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© 2002 Robert G Hagans
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