Victorian Summer (3) Then Teresa saw in a flash Aimee’s youthfulness. There was a certain immaturity about her, that young beauty, that beauty with youth still, that beauty with immaturity. And there was a certain lack of confidence in Aimee too. She had an obvious nubile beauty, yes and Teresa saw too that Aimee was conscious of her body, of her face. Despite Aimee’s aspiration to understand art, there was an eagerness to look good, to look like the artist she wanted to be as well as to be ‘in her mind’ that artist. ‘The architects..’, Teresa echoed softly. Aimee looked at her and said quickly: ‘I mean architects are designing new theatres..they’re so beautiful..but can you say that theatres.. I mean the theatre buildings are beautiful..with those gargoyles..those columns..that whole shape…’ They were quiet as Teresa was conscious of Denby sitting beside her. Aimee said: ‘I’d like of course to be a kind of artist…the theatre.. I love that… and I can say it this to you,…I like your plays, your acts in your theatre.. that comedy ..those acts…they are so earthy..yes earthy.. that’s a word I like..’ ‘It’s a job to me’, Teresa said and she tried to keep in eye contact with Aimee. ‘Will you show me your world…’ Aimee then said almost provocatively. Teresa glanced up at her. Aimee said quickly: ‘Yes I know you understand…I mean of course..that you are lucky to work where you do.’ ‘Not always…its sweaty…but the noise, the colours… the night..’ Teresa was conscious of her words but she saw that Aimee seemed to like to hear her words, those words, that way of speaking. ‘Yes’, Aimee replied. Then Aimee said looking at Denby: ‘You know I’m meeting friends but you stay here with Teresa..’ When Aimee left some minutes later, Teresa rose almost immediately to stand at the window and look outside. ‘I like looking outside these windows’, she said turning to Denby. Denby looked up at her and seemed surprised by her sudden movement as she rose from the sofa. Then Teresa looked down at him again and saw that Denby seemed to beckon her to sit beside him again which she did. She said softly: ‘Like lovers..she leaves us like lovers’ ‘We are that, aren’t we’, he said with confidence… ‘I can’t talk with Aimee about art and things but she doesn’t mind..’ ‘Of course, Teresa but she is not so educated…or she is just learning..Art is a world and she is just on the threshold and she has some friends, artists..and one day..she will run away with one.’ Teresa was quiet and Denby asked: ‘You don’t want to go out?’ Teresa didn’t answer this question immediately but then she answered: ‘No’ and she said quickly without thinking: ‘Funny how Aimee leaves us alone..and we just talk.’ Denby didn’t seem surprised by these words.. ‘You mean we don’t kiss?’ Teresa didn’t mean her words to be understood like this. She was really trying to say that Aimee should have stayed with them for she was beginning to be fascinated by Aimee. She wanted Aimee to tell her more about her world. Then Denby leaned over and tried to kiss her lips but Teresa’s face was turned and he kissed her cheek. ‘I like that’, Teresa tried to say in a soft way. She continued: ‘I just mean I hope Aimee doesn’t feel left out.. Does she have somewhere to go..’ ‘Of course..to her friends..’ Then Teresa put her hand on Denby’s knee and they sat quietly for a while before she rose. He looked up and he heard her saying: ‘We’re lovers now.. You know.. Aimee leaves us alone…we’re…’ He seemed surprised by these words…: He seemed to be thinking of what to say and she came back and stood above him. He said: ‘You’re beautiful, you’re spontaneous. You’re clever..’ She felt uncomfortable suddenly. There was that fear again as she said: ‘Don’t stop..’ Then he said: ‘You’re tired’ and she sat down and she put her head on his chest.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Teresa stood in the public house beside Antoinette. She felt drunk and was conscious of being slightly aggressive. Yesterday she had been with Denby and Aimee in Aimee’s rooms and the atmosphere in this pub jarred with her now. She had felt this as she entered with Antoinette. Jackson and Lionel were already there drinking. Still as she became more drunk, she became more aware of this atmosphere jarring at her. And there was some kind of strange anger and aggression in her and she was making an effort to control it in some way but she couldn’t. Then as she stood in the corner with Antoinette, she heard Jackson mention ‘Denby’ next to her. Where had he heard that name…she knew then Antoinette had mentioned it but she didn’t mind..maybe Jackson was just asking about this man ‘Denby’ but he was asking it in that rough way he did when he was drunk… Denby who is he to you..?’, Teresa asked sharply and quickly. She asking it without thinking. It was that drink, that aggression. ‘Who is this Denby to you?’, Jackson asked seeming not to have heard what Teresa said. He didn’t seem to grasp Teresa’s sharp tone. Maybe he was so tired and intoxicated. ‘Is he your lover..your damn lover, Teresa? Jackson’s quick remarks didn’t surprise Teresa. It just made her mind sharper. She knew Jackson didn’t really care about Denby and she felt that she shouldn’t have answered him so quickly and angrily. She knew he didn’t like being spoken to in this way when he was drunk. Antoinette seemed to be surprised too by Jackson’s sudden aggression and she tried to alleviate the situation. Then Teresa heard Antoinette asking in a playful but mocking way: What is he anyway, who is he Teresa, we want to know..it‘s natural….don‘t we Jackson? Teresa felt Jackson calm down beside her and she looked quickly at Jackson who was looking across at Antoinette. He seemed to be confused. Yes he didn’t care about Denby. He had just heard that Teresa was with a man. Then he said looking at Teresa: ‘I don’t care Teresa who you are with… alright’. Then he turned to face Teresa and said: ‘But why don’t you get some money…?’ ‘Wait, Jackson..what are you saying..?', Teresa said quickly. ‘Teresa, I know you need money.. I know.. So why don’t you ask from your lover…‘ Teresa listened or tried to listen to him. Then she said: ‘He’s not my lover..at all.. Jackson..’ ‘Alright, he’s not your lover, Teresa..but what ever he is….admirer..friend..why don’t you ask him to help you..’ ‘Help me?’ Teresa said softly in a confused kind of way. Antoinette then said: ‘He’s right..Jackson’s right..‘ Teresa said quickly: ‘Shut up Antoinette.. I mean when I’m with you now.. I’ feel I’m falling..So you‘re telling me to steal..’ ‘Don’t get angry..Teresa‘, Antoinette said before Jackson said: ‘I never said to steal..now you’re not making sense…I never said to steal.. Did I ..Antoinette.. Did I ?’, Jackson seemed to be getting more aggressive again and then Teresa saw Lionel walking towards them. She said quickly: ‘Alright, Jackson, is that all you wanted to say to me?' Then Jackson suddenly said ‘Go away Teresa, leave me, angry woman..’ He turned and walked away. Then, suddenly Teresa felt a man trying to put his arm around her. She turned quickly. It was Lionel who was looking into the distance hardly aware he was putting his arm around her. ‘What are you doing, Lionel…I don’t want..’, Teresa said turning to face Lionel.and she tried to push Lionel away. He stepped away confused and he seemed drunk too. ‘Leave me damn alone’ , Teresa said staring at him. Jackson was looking at them now and Teresa saw Lionel turning to him and saying: ‘She really is drunk, Jackson.she is mad..that woman..’ Lionel and Jackson then went to the bar together while Teresa stood by the door looking at them. She felt angry about something. Maybe it was the sudden realisation of how different the setting in Aimee’s rooms was to this dingy setting of a public house. Yes she would try and leave this setting..she couldn’t fall..she couldn’t let her life go to failure when she had a chance…this man Denby liked her…she had to take this opportunity and go where it led.. anyway..but she needed to change..she was so used to this life..this rut…she had to change herself ..and she knew she was angry..it was just something stirring within her making her angry and this anger mixed with drink…that made it worse…She wished she hadn’t been so harsh with Lionel but she just didn’t want Lionel to put his arm around her…No..it wasn’t right..yes it just wasn’t right… Then she saw that Jackson had turned and was walking towards her. Without thinking, she shouted: ‘Leave me damn…’Lionel turned and looked at her. It was that anger again..where did it come from? She heard Lionel saying in the distance: ‘She really is drunk…’ Then Jackson said looking directly at Teresa: ‘He wouldn’t like to see you like this, damn..Denby would he..would he marry you?.’ Antoinette turned to him and said: ‘Jackson leave her alone…’ Jackson didn’t seem to hear what Antoinette said and he continued: ‘You women..what ..but I’m not going to hit you’, Jackson said quickly. ‘You damn well aren’t’, Teresa shouted. Then she saw Jackson in the corner of her eye. He had turned away from her and had gone over to Antoinette beside her. She turned to look at them and saw Jackson looking directly at her and she said quickly: ‘I’ll marry if I damn want’, Teresa said without thinking but she knew she was drunk and she knew too Jackson was drunk and she vaguely felt it was wrong to agitate and stir him. Then she heard Jackson saying: ‘He will never ask you…be his wife… look at you..you truly are a wreck…and don’t talk to me like that..alright…the way you do…’ She felt Jackson looking at her but then he turned away. She felt confused and tired. She didn’t want to reply but then she felt Antoinette looking at her and in a flash she thought carefully about what Jackson had said. She furrowed her eyes and seemed to think. It was the words that she was not good enough or something for Denby, that she might not be able to marry anyone ; That made her think. Still she was not angry at Jackson actually. She didn’t mind him saying this that Denby would not marry her ’looking like this’. It was perhaps the truth and it made her ‘certainly’ reflect. Yes in a way she was thankful that Jackson had said something realistic and true. Still the words jarred at her. She didn‘t want to talk anymore and she felt she couldn‘t say anything. She felt like she had been so obsessed or something with Denby and now Jackson had brought her down to earth but she felt angry. Or maybe it wasn’t anger. Maybe it was confusion or some kind of sadness. Then she heard Lionel shouting to Jackson: ‘Leave her alone, Jackson..’ Then she felt Jackson beside her again and there wasAntoinette on the other side of her. ‘Look I’ll get you a drink, women’, Jackson said addressing the two women together. Then Jackson tried to turn to Teresa and face her. Maybe he felt embarrassed by what he had said but he really just wanted to see whether he had hurt her. He didn’t know whether he had said anything wrong and he actually really doubted whether he hurt her. It was difficult to hurt Teresa. He knew this but he felt instinctively he shouldn’t have said what he did. ‘Sorry Teresa’, Jackson muttered. ‘That’s alright..‘, Teresa said suddenly in a strange moment of clarity. Then she heard Jackson shouting for some drinks. Antoinette said beside her: ‘Are you going to dress up, buy a new dress for him..’ Antoinette stopped suddenly. Teresa was turning to look at her directly. She knew Antoinette was not mocking her but to ask a question indirectly about Denby just after what Jackson had said surprised Teresa. Antoinette seemed to understand what she said: ‘I didn’t mean it like that…don’t listen to Jackson…no I was thinking Teresa..I need a lover..I’d like an admirer too…’ Then Teresa said suddenly: ‘I’ll wash my face,..my body.. If it makes me feel better…he dares to look at me..doesn’t he…Denby ..he’s a friend, he might be a lover..he might marry me … mightn't he…’ Antoinette knew Teresa was drunk. She looked carefully at Teresa in profile. Yes she’d better be careful what she said. Antoinette herself hadn’t drunk as much as Teresa this night. She looked at Teresa almost kindly and she said: ‘But is he good for you Teresa, that’s all..?’ Teresa turned immediately to Antoinette and replied: ‘Of course he is Antoinette…you’re not talking sense…who do you think he is..have you seen him..damn you..Anette’s jealous too..damn her..’ ‘I’m not jealous..Teresa..I’m just asking…’ ‘Alright, sorry, Antoinette…’ Teresa looked ahead of her at the counter. She saw Jackson talking to Lionel. Then she heard Antoinette asking: ‘And you’re not going to steal from him, Teresa ?’ Teresa felt unable to turn her head to look at Antoinette and she spoke quickly looking ahead of her: ‘Are you a friend…Antoinette…stealing, thieving..why..you are not good for me.. you all..you think I will steal from him..ruin it all…I am a good…you really think I’m bad …bad stuff.. don’t you…’ ‘You said you had no money’, Antoinette said looking at her. Then Antoinette continued to speak: ‘You said you were bad off…you couldn’t pay your rent…Teresa.’ Teresa said: ‘No Antoinette..I’m above that..I don’t want…I’m above that…stealing..and thieving ..it just doesn’t make sense…why would I steal from him…no..no.. you’re not making sense..’ Then she felt Jackson beside her. He put a glass in her hand. Then he said repeating Antoinette's final words: ‘You‘re not making sense, Teresa…’ Antoinette looked carefully at Teresa, saying: ‘You’re here with friends…you can talk to us..to me.. Teresa'. Then Teresa said almost automatically: ‘But Jackson wants me to steal..’ Jackson said quickly: ‘I don’t want you to steal…I said…what did I say..Antoinette..that she could..that he..this man could help her with her rent..and all…’ Then Teresa turned suddenly to face him: ‘You made me steal, you make me steal.. you all..it’s not good for me’ ‘Here we go again...’, Jackson said looking at her but she was looking away now. In her drunken state, she was not able to look at Jackson directly in the face. Then Teresa was quiet as she felt Antoinette’s hand on her shoulder trying to calm her. She heard Jackson say: ‘You would have stolen anyway, come on..there’s your drinks, anyway women…Antoinette, Teresa…I don’t want a fight, Teresa..and Teresa...can I say.. I hate my life..Teresa.... I don’t want to steal...anything.. I’m not bad stuff either..so just..’ Jackson was quiet again and she felt Jackson looking at her. He said almost kindly: ‘Come on Teresa, this man..your admirer ..he doesn’t mean nothing to you..‘ ‘Then why do you care, Jackson? ’, Teresa answered looking straight ahead. She turned to Antoinette and said: ‘Then why does he care..?’ Antoinette didn’t answer and Teresa continued: ‘He sees all this as an opportunity for himself....I think..it’s an opportunity for me too..’ Then she heard Jackson say: ‘Take some money from him…get something..and just leave him…even run away..Antoinette is thinking of going to the country to get work…he’s nothing…’ ‘I know Jackson, you’re a friend..I’m just…’ They were quiet as Teresa said suddenly: ‘Jackson, you made me damn steal that time months back… didn’t you..I don’t want it and you think I will steal from this man..’ ‘Come on Teresa, I didn’t force you..’ They were quiet again. They seemed to have these sudden bouts of words, then silence. It was like staccato talk. Then she heard Antoinette saying: ‘Alright…and this girl he’s with…’. Teresa looked ahead: ‘Alright, I don’t want to think of him, of them..I‘m tired….Antoinette, I’ve told you..that’s his cousin..’ Then Teresa turned to Jackson and said: ‘I might be just a girl to him..but I might have a chance with him… .but I’m tired…so tired..’ He replied: ‘Teresa…and why don’t you take whatever you damn can and just finish with him…he‘s a chance.. an opportunity… you said that word…yourself.’ ‘Jackson…. .but he’s all I have…I mean isn’t he..please…he’s my escape from this life..’ ‘What are you escaping from, Teresa?’, Jackson asked. She was quiet. What was she saying. She didn’t know herself what she was saying. Then she heard Lionel shout ‘I saw Nelly outside just now’. Nelly was the woman Jackson lived with. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A week later they stood together in the public house again. This time Antoinette was drunk. She had told Teresa that she might go to the country to work in a factory. Yes she had work now but she wanted to go to the country to work. Teresa had just come into the public house. She hadn’t drunk any alcohol and she stood fresh-faced from the evening air outside, her hair tousled too from the wind. She noticed too that Jackson had just entered and he too was fresh faced. He was sitting with Nelly in the corner and she saw Nelly rise and leave the public house by the other door. She stood by the door and then Antoinette moved beside her. Antoinette said almost speaking into Teresa’s left ear. ‘You still have your worries..you can hardly pay your rent and you won’t take money from your admirer, Teresa, dear…will you’. Teresa turned quickly to look at Antoinette. Antoinette had been at the theatre some hours previously. They had talked of money and all that. Teresa thought quickly that Antoinette must have come here immediately after they had parted. Antoinette had told her that she had decided to move to the country to get work. She had only casual work in the city and she wanted to move. ‘Please don’t talk about this, Antoinette…I don’t want to talk about this..with Jackson.’, Teresa said replying to Antoinette's question about Denby. ‘Why would Jackson give you money ..if you can get it from your lover..Teresa..’, Antoinette said then. Teresa muttered: ‘He’s not a lover, Antoinette…I told you…’ Then Teresa turned quickly and saw Jackson coming towards them. Antoinette spoke again: ‘Teresa needs money, Jackson..and yet she has the theatre..her admirer…why don‘t you put your hands into those coats……’ Teresa felt tired and didn’t want to reply to her. Jackson said quickly: ‘You’re a fool, Teresa’, Jackson said. She turned to face him. He was looking directly at her. He was not at all drunk.. He had a fresh face from the air outside. Teresa turned away as Jackson continued: ‘Teresa, I don’t want to talk about this man..this admirer…I have no interest..alright..but don’t come to me looking for money…I’d help you..but you have him…you can seduce him ..can’t you…’ ‘Of course..’, Teresa said softly, ‘I’m not asking you for anything, Jackson.’ Then she heard Antoinette say beside her: ‘The little one won’t take money from her admirer…Teresa, dear.. I’ ve never known you like this..Teresa’. Antoinette stopped and then she continued: ‘But she has stolen from the theatre…Jackson.’ ‘Stop, Antoinette..’, Teresa muttered. ‘Oh now you’re guilty..Teresa..she’s guilty, Jackson.’ ‘Be quiet, Antoinette..you’re drunk..’ Teresa said softly. Then Teresa heard Jackson saying beside her: ‘You women..why so guilty…I don’t care a whit what you girls do…’ They were quiet and Teresa said suddenly:
Copyright © 2008 Joel Ficelle |